AIBU: Is it unreasonable to consider another child when the first is autistic?

[SameIssue]

Would one be unreasonable to want another child if the first born is autistic? Not complex needs autistic but still largely non-verbal (singular words based communication) requiring extra support. Both parents in a stable long term relationship with decent financial condition to support two kids.

(Bearing in mind there being no history of neurodivergence on either side of the family)

I wouldnt.

If the child is NT they'll end up having to help their sibling in life and I dont think thats fair at all.

I know a few families who had another neurodiverse child after trying again. One now has 5, yes 5, neurodiverse children who will never have a good life and unbeliveably they're trying again.

I have two Autistic children and although some days are hard, on balance I'm very glad I have them both and that they have each other. If anything, for us, both kids being Autistic is easier than if one of them were NT because when DC2 came along we were already very accustomed to parenting in an Autism-friendly way. I'm not sure how well I'd cope with parenting an NT child tbh as I've never known any different! They are very different characters with different interests, but both being Autistic has definitely given them a shared understanding and a bond that they both benefit from hugely. Ours do have similar support needs though, which is by no means guaranteed.

I think it's always wise to think carefully about how adding another child will impact your existing child and the family as a whole. It really depends so much on your individual circumstances and I recognise I'm in a fortunate position compared to many people. I have a DH who does more than his fair share around the house and our relationship is solid. My DP's are local and great with the kids. Both our jobs are flexible enough that we can take time off for medical appointments and school meetings, and I work TTO so we don't have to worry about finding SEND-friendly holiday childcare. We are also very comfortable financially- do not underestimate the significance of this when parenting children with SEND. We've been able to afford a big enough house to give everyone their own space, private OT and SALT rather than waiting years for NHS support, and when it became apparent that DD couldn't cope in mainstream but would not meet the criteria for specialist we were able to move her to a small independent school. If I was struggling financially, my marriage wasn't great and I had no family support I don't think I'd have coped well at all.

Not at all. If there's no nd in the family the chances are slim. My siblings first is autistic and there second child is not.mybson is nd and he's a lovely boy.

Jesus, wow!!!

Thanks for all these very helpful pointers, and glad to hear it’s all working well for you!!

I had 3 more. When I had my daughter when my autistic son was 7 she didn't show any signs and I had 0 concerns for her. I had my 3rd child when she was 5. I stupidly assumed he wouldn't be autistic. 5 years down the line he was obviously autistic and got diagnosed at 7, my daughter was diagnosed a year later at age 13. My 4th child was unplanned and I expect him to also be autistic

Another thing to think about is caregiving across the lifespan. And what happens when the parents who you may have relied on to help with your DC need extensive support and caregiving themselves. And your caregiving workload expands exponentially while your support system disappears.

@ storiesaboutautism on IG has talked a lot about being a carer for both of his parents with dementia as a single dad to his 2 high needs non verbal autistic teenage sons. Dealing with putting his mother into a nursing home, and losing his father, and dealing with all of the grief and work while still having to provide consistent 24/7 nervous system scaffolding and keep routines as consistent as possible or the shit hits the fan.

I’m just coming out of 2 years where I was caring for my autistic DC as well as my mother with heart failure and cognitive decline - all while trying to keep working.

It feels like there is no me left at all.

Well, the parents have donated the Embryo for adoption because they want it to be born. Catholic countries dont approve of donating embryos to medical science. My friend has done this route and is delighted with her daughter. Lesbian couple.

Imgaine growing up and seeing a bunch of mums talk about how they arnt sure if they would have wanted you if you were autistic 😂 good luck with your relatiomship with your children as they age, im sure they will sense this

Or not in the case of the siblings I know, neither has any awareness of the other or their parents, and both will need care for their entire lives.

This is quite a common ND thing, I find.

Keeping having DC because pregnancy and babies are a special interest, or because you’d always assumed you’d have a large family (and if life doesn’t go according to your assumptions and expectations you are overwhelmed with confusion and anxiety because it’s not possible to imagine what happens next), or because you’d always planned to have a boy and it feels like you have literally no choice but to keep trying until you can tick that off the list and fulfil the plan.

Add to that aphantasia & an inability to imagine into the future / inability to recognise others’ needs if they’re different from yours / inability to consider context / inability to recognise one’s own limitations / black & white thinking that results in a belief that having a baby is a universally positive thing all the time no matter what…

I know quite a few very impoverished, very functionally overwhelmed larger ND families, sometimes living in unsafe conditions, where the parents simply can’t see what a stressful and traumatic situation they are all in as they’re living in their own internal worlds, doggedly following plans or hyperfocus activities.

My oldest DC is autistic but just about managed to cope in mainstream school to give you an idea of his level of need. My other three DCs are not autistic. If you want another child, I would say go for it but be prepared that you may have another autistic child, it’s about a 10-20% risk. One thing I would add is that my second DC got less attention than he would have done with a NT big brother. I was lucky that he’s an easy going and relaxed person although I don’t know whether that nature or because he had a big brother with some behavioural challenges.

First is ASD, second is not but had a different set of issues. Not risking a 3rd 😂 but wouldn’t change either of them.

Yes, I know large ND families like this. I could never really understand why they’d keep having children (no religious background) but you’ve explained it perfectly. Not all the kids have ND or bad outcomes but it does seem to take more of a toll on the parents, the marriage, and on the more able siblings because no matter what you do or say as a parent, they will always feel responsible for their sibling (or the other extreme is they go no contact as they’re overwhelmed by it).

I think we need more honest conversations around parenthood generally.

Lots of posters have admitted on MN that they wouldn't have children if they had their time again. This doesn't mean that they don't love their kids or have a crap relationship with them. It's just a very normal and human reaction to having such an overwhelming and life changing responsibility as having a child. One you can't really understand or fully imagine until the child is here. It's super important we acknowledge and manage these feelings to avoid resentment building and to accept that it is a pretty rational response. It's also important that as we get older we acknowledge that our parents are just humans too doing life for the first time. They maybe wouldn't have chosen the particular form of parenthood they got but that doesn't detract from their love and dedication towards us as children. In fact in many ways it speaks of enormous dedication and selflessness to hang on on there and parent as best as you can despite this being the life you wouldn't choose for yourself.

I also think these conversations help inform people that are undecided about having children. It can be unbelievably difficult and some people do regret it. More people than ever are opting out of having children. There is a growing realisation that having children doesn't have to be the default and actually it involves huge sacrifices and hard work. Add to this something like Autism and it's all amplified. It shouldn't be taboo for people to acknowledge that they wouldn't want to parent multiple children with special needs. They would of course almost certainly step up and ultimately cope if they had to but very few people would actively choose this life.

I think what most people here are saying is that parenting is not just about love. Love is the easy part!

The rest of it is about hard work, and logistics, and skill-building, and decision-making, and budgeting physical and emotional resources to make sure everyone has what they need.

It’s like saying, I have a full time job that I am so lucky to have and I really love. It is a calling, and a vocation. But it’s not quite like most people’s jobs - it involves working long hours, and I’m on-call every night and weekend and all of Christmas and all the other holidays, and it’s a role where there is a ton of responsibility and constant crises and not much opportunity to delegate, and I can’t ever resign or take a sabbatical or take a sick day or annual leave.

Given how meaningful that job is to me, though, should I maybe take on a second, full-time job, at the same time? And hope that, I dunno, it’ll be a bit easier? Or somehow there will be energetic economies of scale from having 2 jobs?

OP may wish to prioritise her existing child she does have, given that it’s unclear exactly what his needs will be, and they may be complex.

Adding a whole other dependent person (of any neurotype) to the family system will necessarily mean she has less time, attention, energy, money, patience etc to go around.

And when your DC has significant differences and challenges, you need do all you can to help them navigate the world. You can’t just halve the your resources without thinking carefully about the consequences.

Should a second child also have additional needs, the chances are greater that the whole family will be stressed and under-resourced.

(And bear in mind that it’s statistically likely that one or both parents have some health or functional challenges themselves - whether that’s anxiety or OCD or EDS or fibro or chronic fatigue or Chiari or any of the other things else loosely correlated with autism - so they be already be operating from a place of depletion)

It’s about trying to make sure everyone has enough of what they need. Not whether a person is loved or wanted.

You do realise for the most severely autistic children there would be absolutely no understanding of that, right? Which is the entire point.

Are you comfortable if you had another high needs child?

we have 5. 4 diagnosed autistic with various needs. youngest is only a baby though.

our 3rd child was the first child we suspected. But 4th was first to be diagnosed (completely non verbal. Is 6 but developmental age is 3)

our older 2 are not high needs in comparison to the middle 2. However had we ever suspected our 3rd child we would never of had the 4th. And definitely not the 5th.

we had our youngest knowing that we could possibly have another high needs child. But he also could be completely neurotypical.

It’s hard, it can be limiting but really we don’t know anything else. But we make it work and all our children get to have a childhood. It just might look very different for each of them.

Or one autistic one and another whose childhood is dominated by their sibling’s needs.

The financial impact of autistic children can be enormous. I am now a single parent, and can only work part time because one of my children hasn't been able to attend school for a long time. The waiting lists for almost any service runs into years so getting proper support is costly. My whole life has been entirly changed due to having to lose my career. Let alone the basics of things like sleep 🤣

But all kids are different...

My concern about people with severely autistic children choosing to have another child is the safety of the younger one. Someone I know had two autistic children when she decided to have another child. I could not understand why she would choose to do that when the behaviour she described of her oldest was so difficult to manage. A couple of years after the third child was born the oldest one tried to kill him. Thank goodness he pulled through but he was very ill in intensive care for a few days.

And what if the second one is more severely autistic?

Not sure how to post a link, but there is a thread this morning on AIBU “how do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public” an insight in to the life of a family with a NT and ND child…

I have one autistic child who is a boy and a girl who isn't. We are debating another one. Yes it is more likely to be autistic but not guaranteed like some say. It is up to you. My autistic child is the younger one.