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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: Is it unreasonable to consider another child when the first is autistic?

124 replies

SameIssue · 06/08/2026 16:36

Would one be unreasonable to want another child if the first born is autistic? Not complex needs autistic but still largely non-verbal (singular words based communication) requiring extra support. Both parents in a stable long term relationship with decent financial condition to support two kids.

(Bearing in mind there being no history of neurodivergence on either side of the family)

OP posts:
likeitshard · Yesterday 06:36

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 20:58

Warning: long post incoming!

I have one autistic child, nearly secondary age. Low support needs, high masking, hyperlexic, high IQ, able to attend school (but only just). He has ARFID and PDA and can’t tie his shoes or dress himself or wipe his own bum or sleep in his own bed or be left in the care of anyone but me and DH.

Things are hard. Really, really fucking hard, a lot of the time. Particularly as he gets bigger and stronger - it can be scary when he lashes out. My life would not be manageable at all if I had a younger child to take care of at the same time.

YMMV of course - every child is different, every family is different. I do know larger ND families where things are just fine - but they generally all have low support needs & decent adaptive function. The sort of cluster of ASD traits where maybe you don’t like crowds or wool jumpers or loud noises but you are uncommonly emotionally stable and can manage perfectly well as long as you’re left alone to enjoy a quiet orderly life with very few other people around.

Having plenty of money and support is certainly a lot better than having neither - but so much depends on what support the child will tolerate, or can be helped by.

And never underestimate how much it costs to raise a child with even a ‘mild’ disability, starting with the almost inevitable, in my experience, loss of one parental income as the child’s needs become more complex. You can’t assume things will get easier when they go to school, or when they become teenagers, like parents of NT kids can. They don’t need you less - their needs often become much more complicated and expensive and mentally and logistically taxing, and involve so much exhausting high-stakes decision-making.

Most families I know with any autistic children have all autistic children - or at least all ND - often with needs that are in direct opposition to one another, and being the main caregiver in that situation is way more than a full-time job, with no respite and no meaningful support (and often a heap of judgement from teachers and professionals, and sometimes your own friends and family).

I went through a broody phase when DC was young, and I am glad I was already too old for more babies by that point. A lot of it was just hormonal, biological broodiness, but I think I was also hoping that if I had another child it might be a redemptive experience where I got to feel (and be treated by others) like an effective parent and a competent human being, able to comfort my child in the usual ways most children can be comforted, and teach them basic life skills and manners in the usual ways and on the usual timescales. And I wouldn’t have to feel like such a puzzling failure all the time.

And in a way, sticking with one has meant that I have had just enough headspace to work through all of that and toughen up and believe in my own competence and accept the reality of our lives, and find a sense of humour about it all - rather than dumping a lot of my own unprocessed shame on my autistic DC in an attempt to avoid having to feel it and sort it out.

That’s just my experience. And I’m not trying to be a downer. But sticking with one has worked best for our family.

The phrase puzzling failure really resonates with me ❤️

SameIssue · Yesterday 07:11

NattyKnitter116 · 06/08/2026 23:26

I started trying for number two just before a HV suggested getting DC assessed for autism. I immediately stopped trying and thank god that I didn’t get pregnant in the 3 months I was trying.
I wasn’t able to work more than very part time until son could travel independently at 15, and after his father left, I relied on top up benefits for many years as zero access to affordable childcare.

as it was, I think I did a decent job if parenting him and ensuring our life was balanced and rich in experience if not material things.
I don’t think I would have managed all that as well if I’d had another to deal with and in fact there is no way I could have safely achieved that.

also ‘no history of ND in the family’. There usually is, it just may not look like your son’s version! You may start seeing it in wider family or even yourselves as he gets older, it’s a very common experience!
unless you are really prepared to deal with two on the spectrum and in a position to give up work if you have to (and accept you are 80% more likely to divorce) and could end up home educating, then id give it a swerve. If you want a companion for your son get a dog.

The last sentence…

OP posts:
SameIssue · Yesterday 07:45

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

The people who have asked me why another child? It’s to do with wanting to experience some “normal” parenthood and having a “companion” for my existing DC. I am absolutely not saying that these are adequate reasons, just answering the question.

The people who have shared their experience of getting genetic testing done, which provider did they go for and how much did it cost? Please only answer if you are based in the UK.

Is autism always genetic? Yes in a significant majority of cases but in certain tail scenarios, it “could” also be driven by traumatic labour, neonatal infections, a de novo mutation etc. That is a side remark and absolutely not a way of saying “our DC’s case is not genetic”.

Thanks again all, and lots of hugs and best wishes to some of the people in this thread who are very much in the thick of some rather challenging parenting journeys.

OP posts:
lifehappens12 · Yesterday 07:51

My eldest is autistic and was largely single word talker until school. He is a loving happy child. We decided to have another child so my eldest isn’t alone. We don’t expect the younger one to be a carer. They sleep in the same room, they play together they have a lovely relationship. Youngest is probably adhd - but we are all happy and wouldn’t be without the youngest.

Itchthescratch · Yesterday 07:52

ItsFreakingHot · 06/08/2026 16:50

No not unreasonable, it depends on how well you are coping with the first dc with autism and how stretched your resources are.
I don't think people with disabilities are any less worthy of life.. Also autism is a spectrum so even if one child is non verbal, the next might be high functioning and only have minor difficulties.

I don't think many people believe disabled people are less worthy of life. It isn't about that. It's about the practicalities and realities of caring for a disabled child, how this would impact a sibling and the risk that you could end up with two children with high potentially competing care needs. Not everyone wants this kind of life for themselves or their children.

We know that SEN services are struggling and in many cases failing. We know that we don't have the money as a country to fix this. We know that SEN parents often feel unsupported and overwhelmed. There are countless threads on this forum that prove this and some posters are in very desperate situations with their disabled children.

So it's not about ideology. It's about reality. No child asks to be born and you can't believe you are denying a non existent child life if you choose to stick with one child. I think OP would be taking a huge and unnecessary risk to have another child.

ManyGigglingSquids · Yesterday 08:12

I am a NT younger sibling of an ASD child. Please don’t underestimate how hard it will be for them, even if they are NT.

I had so much of my life taken over by my siblings needs, and I spent a huge amount of time as a teenager with very unhealthy coping mechanisms over asking my parents for help because I didn’t want to be another worry for them.

I fully understand it wasn’t my siblings fault, my parents tried their best in a very challenging situation, and they also did all the things people say to do like spending time with me one-on-one - but as a NT child I was able to see the strain on them any time I spoke to them about an issue (like a normal teenager falling out with friends). Also compared to my sibling, I understand my ‘issues’ were very small and were the last thing my parents needed to think about.

In truth, I spent most of my teenager years wishing I hadn’t been born as I felt all I did was cause problems my parents didn’t have time to deal with. Things are better now I’m an adult and moved out, but it has stayed with me all my life. If I could push a button to allow my sibling to be an only child, which would give them the full and best attention from my parents, then I would in an instant.

Mumofmarauders · Yesterday 09:02

We had no idea that my DS14 was autistic, let alone that it would turn out to be profound non-verbal autism when I got pregnant with DD11 (he was diagnosed a few months before she was born when he was only 2), and if I’d known no way would we have had her.
So I’m so glad we didn’t know! Life is extremely challenging with my DS14 but they love one another (we have always been very clear that it’s not her job to look after him and divided and conquered massively to ensure that she gets a huge amount of our attention too and our house is often full of her friends/ she spends lots of time at friends’ houses to make sure she gets loads of typical play/hanging out, too. Making friends with only children, of whom there happen to be loads in her class, has really helped here!). DD11 says she wants to have four children and when I asked what about if one of them is profoundly autistic like her brother she said she would probably not have more than three in that case to make sure she had enough energy, but that that certainly wouldn’t stop her. I think she must not realise the massive toll that her brother’s needs have taken on us in some ways (which is good!) and she probably will as she gets older but I find it reassuring that she hasn’t had a negative experience of being a sibling to a disabled child, if you see what I mean.
Looking back, I don’t know what I would have done without her. But I also don’t know how I would have coped with a second child with needs on the scale of my DS14’s. Plenty of people say they couldn’t have coped with one child like DS14, though, so I’m sure I’d have adjusted and managed!

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 09:03

I work as a TA in a mainstream school. We have a high number of children in KS1 who have yet to tick the boxes for a sen school but mainstream is really not suitable for them. As others have said you will need to be prepared for the rights of your child.
Some of our children like your son are non verbal. They do not join in the class activities as they cannot access the provision (they are mentally the same age as toddlers). They also do not interact with other children, they do their own thing. Instead they often require 1:1 care and eyes on them constantly (some will put things in their mouth, so even outdoor play can be hard if they pick up leaves or stones). They cannot say when they need the toilet and are still in nappies. They cannot dress themselves or communicate to say they are too hot/too cold. Everything is managed by the adults. As some of these children are getting older they are getting bigger and stronger, which is hard for staff to manage when these children cannot clearly communicate their needs (and also don't want to do the routine that's expected of them).
Obviously this might be different to your son and maybe he is developmentally on target apart from communication.

The saddest thing to add, is that amongst these children are brothers. They do not recognise each other (or their parents for that matter). So while you might hope for a playmate for your son this might not happen, plus also as in this case a second child has not led to the parents having a 'normal' parenting experience and instead they now have two children with very high needs and who they are going to need to fight to get into a specialist school (ideally sooner rather than later for the eldest of the two who is outgrowing all that can be offered in mainstream).

TadpolesInPool · Yesterday 09:18

I totally resonate with the PP who said she wanted another DC in order to have a chance to "do it right" and not be a puzzling failure.

I have 2 DC who were both high needs as babies and toddlers - diagnosed with adhd when they were 9 and 7 respectively.

For years we debated having a 3rd with DH really pushing for it. I was at my absolute limit with my 2 non sleeping DC but still day dreamed about a 3rd. Until I realised that in my daydream i was getting everything right and had a magical baby who slept and ate and was easy. I felt like all the struggles i had had with my 2 DC were because I was doing it wrong. I didn't yet know about their ADHD.

I am so so glad I didn't have a 3rd. DS1 went through a VERY difficult phase age 6-10. Then DS2 was particularly challenging from 7-11. We are currently in a nice lull where they are both pretty wonderful and I do occasionally think about that hypothetical 3rd....but then i remind myself that my dS2 was still waking me every night when he was 10...

ExplodingSmittens · Yesterday 09:18

Another saying I wouldn’t. My DC with AuDHD was fairly easy until puberty and then really not.

Lots of School refusal, both having to work part time, very nearly splitting up more than once.

Both DC have ADHD so there was a lot of dopamine seeking by winding each other up which was very hard to deal with, especially of you were alone all day with both of them.

If I knew my first had ASD there is no way I would have had a second. As another poster says, just because they are manageable now doesn’t mean that it’s going to continue.

sunshine244 · Yesterday 09:21

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/08/2026 22:56

‘There will be undiagnosed autism in the families somewhere. We often don't see it because it's all normal to us.’

This x 100. If I had a penny for every baffled SEN parent I’ve met saying ‘we don’t know where it came from - there’s no autism in our families, we’re all physicists and engineers’

This is so my family. Engineering and scientists on both sides. Some very successful but quirky. Some with very bad social anxiety or similar.

It wasn't until my first child was diagnosed age 7 that I realised we are probably all ND.

These days things are so much worse for ND kids though. There's more academic pressure, more constant input from social media, screens everywhere, the world has got far more complicated and intense. My younger son is very like I was as a child but I did ok partly because scholl was much more hands on then.

PeanutCat1 · Yesterday 09:28

Of course not, so long as you’re prepared for your second to possibly also be ND and with more significant needs. We had a second and he is now 3, we believe he is neurotypical and it was definitely the right decision for our family, it’s done DS1 the world of good having a sibling and they have a beautiful relationship and I love having two kids. Would’ve liked a 3rd but we felt that that would be too high a risk and we’d struggle to give everyone the attention they need.

sunshine244 · Yesterday 09:35

Also though I'd add that i was absolutely certain my younger child was NT for years. He was far more social, slept well, seemed more laid back, no meltdowns etc. But got to age 6 and it all gradually changed as the social and academic demands increased. Now things are really hard and he's developed selective mutism and really struggling with school anxiety. AuDHD but different to his older sibling. So its not always possible to tell early on.

BLASTofff · Yesterday 09:40

If you want another child and have the resources for one then yes absolutely go for it. It will be lovely for your existing child to have a sibling and someone to love them after you’re gone too

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 09:41

BLASTofff · Yesterday 09:40

If you want another child and have the resources for one then yes absolutely go for it. It will be lovely for your existing child to have a sibling and someone to love them after you’re gone too

It really isn’t as simple as that

Peonies12 · Yesterday 09:42

Ukholidaysaregreat · 06/08/2026 16:39

I would have another if I wanted one. I wouldn't over think it.

having a child is literally the thing you should over think the most.

OP I wouldn't. Consider the worst case scenario. I don't think it's fair on the first to loose out.

user90756423298 · Yesterday 09:42

I would add to my previous post - my friend thought she had a reasonable relationship, but her DH scuttles off to work as early as he dare and disappears doing a hobby at the weekend because he finds the situation so difficult with two. She’s essentially left to it, with him as emergency care. He will take the older one on their own, but I don't think I’ve ever seen him alone with the younger one.
She had to give up working because once they were school age, it’d get to about 9.30 and the school were on the phone wanting the eldest collecting. Also a lot of appointments with various agencies.
Once the second was old enough for school, they already seen that kicking up a fuss got them sent home so I don’t think they ever did a whole day at primary school. It’s much better now they are at at specialist schools that can cope with their behaviour but it was a big struggle to get them places and they are only till 11, so I’m not sure if there is a similar local-ish provision for secondary school.

Morepositivemum · Yesterday 09:43

Sorry op but financially doesn’t matter, do you have time and energy for the second if they have the same level of needs as the first? We have autism in our family, lower end of the spectrum but nicely spread out between all of us!! Only diagnosed later in childhood so I don’t know what mum would have done

user90756423298 · Yesterday 09:47

BLASTofff · Yesterday 09:40

If you want another child and have the resources for one then yes absolutely go for it. It will be lovely for your existing child to have a sibling and someone to love them after you’re gone too

This isn't true even if they are NT!
My DH is one of three and there is always a bitter argument going on between a pair of them. It’s exhausting!
Having a child because siblings will be besties is a dangerous gamble - in fact I think I know more people who are non or low contact with siblings than I do who are on friendly terms!

Dmsandfloatydress · Yesterday 10:14

In your position I would wait a few years until you have all the provision and support you need for your child in place. Then, I would adopt an embryo from Spain. These come with a full health history of both parents and are screened for genetic abnormalities. This would mean that you are far more likely to give birth to a NT child that you would enjoy parenting. I know that sounds callous but I couldn't take the risk of having another autistic child.

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 11:14

Dmsandfloatydress · Yesterday 10:14

In your position I would wait a few years until you have all the provision and support you need for your child in place. Then, I would adopt an embryo from Spain. These come with a full health history of both parents and are screened for genetic abnormalities. This would mean that you are far more likely to give birth to a NT child that you would enjoy parenting. I know that sounds callous but I couldn't take the risk of having another autistic child.

That's not exactly thinking about how the child from the embryo will feel. Children are not commodities

Peonies12 · Yesterday 11:39

BLASTofff · Yesterday 09:40

If you want another child and have the resources for one then yes absolutely go for it. It will be lovely for your existing child to have a sibling and someone to love them after you’re gone too

This is absolutely not guaranteed.

Newsenmum · Yesterday 11:40

Nope! Highly likely itll happen again but personally the bond for life is incredible. Would never regret my two. I personally think the second has helped the first tremendously.

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 12:17

Newsenmum · Yesterday 11:40

Nope! Highly likely itll happen again but personally the bond for life is incredible. Would never regret my two. I personally think the second has helped the first tremendously.

But in other circumstances the second sibling could cause issues with the first or the first could hugely impact the second. See it all the time on here, parents trying to protect the younger siblings from the behaviour of the older ND teen

Imaginingdragonsagain · Yesterday 12:19

CharSiu · 06/08/2026 16:50

I think if you had another child and that child was not ND as long as there was zero expectation to have that child look after their older sibling when you have died then that is fine. It’s not just the consideration of another child being ND in circumstances like this

I agree with this. Plus how much DC2’s life might be affected if you’d always have to put DC1 first.

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