AIBU for finding my sister’s excitement about my baby girl too much ?

[Lavenderslooming]

Growing up my sister was a massive girly-girl whereas I was a tomboy to the point we used to say I was the son my Dad didn’t have.

My sister has 2 boys who are the most stereotypical boisterous boys and whilst she is a great mum, I know she was always really desperate for a girl.

I have just found out I’m having a girl which I’m absolutely thrilled about but I’m finding my sister’s reaction to be a bit much.

She’s constantly telling me how lucky I am, sending me photos of really frilly girly clothes and going on about all the girly activities I’ll be able to do with my daughter like spa days, wedding dress shopping etc.

She also saved quite a lot of clothes and designer bags from her teenage years / early 20’s and is saying she’ll give it all to my daughter seeing as she never had one to pass it all on too.

I know she means well but I’m just finding it all too much and I feel quite defensive that it’s my daughter not hers. Also I hate things like spa days and it’s not something I have any interest in doing with my daughter !! I did tell her that we won’t be dressing my daughter in really girly or pink clothes and her face fell and she went really quiet which then made me feel bad.

AIBU for finding her quite irritating? I’m just finding it all quite intense and then i feel guilty that I’m having the girl she’s always wanted but have no interest in doing the typical girly things.

To be fair to my sister she has never been negative about having boys especially around them and she has embraced all their football etc despite hating it and the mud it comes with. But she’s just become very vocal to me about how much nicer girls clothes / toys / party themes are !

I’m not brave enough to say that lol

That must be really annoying and overbearing. I’m presuming this is your first child, and you want to enjoy it and navigate it how you want to, without being told what to do. I think you are going to have to have words, and say you’re appreciate she’s excited, but say that going forward, you want yo search stuff yourself etc.

or tell her that the hospital got it wrong and it’s a boy!

I’m you and my daughter enjoys her spa days and girlie stuff with her aunt. I’ve softened. It’s really quite sweet to see the two of them enjoying shoes so much

Fair enough! But you might remind yourself silently that this is her problem not yours . It will be a long time before your baby needs z wedding dress or even a spa day.

If you don't want to do girly things with your DD then she'll have a doto g Aunty who can do it with her. I'd encourage a close relationship between your DC and her Aunt. She might offer to go to a lot of trouble doing girly themed party decorations for your DD.

@Lavenderslooming Well she's completely wrong about birthdays.
Girls birthdays suck.
They tend to be more frilly and pink with party dresses and ballerinas and disappointingly, fewer cars, less lego and no dinosaurs.😞
(Or maybe that was just me) 😁

Anyway, when your baby arrives, she will happily choose her own path eventually and until she does she can have dinosaur wall paper and a spiderman birthday cake.

She is being negative about having boys without realising it though, with her wild excitement about YOUR daughter. This would really piss me off if it was me. Make sure she doesn't try and take over. I have seen this kind of thing happen before.

Agree with PP, at least she is trying to embrace it and not gone the other way and is full of resentment. Especially since your mum is also giddy over a granddaughter.

How old are her boys that they can't keep still for a few minutes though? And where's their dad, if on the rare occasion you see her it sounds like she has to have them with her and doesn't get to catch up with you properly?

Sounds like maybe she's wistful for a bit of peace too! I must admit I'd be fucking shattered if I had 2 charging and roughousing all the time.

Think I’d be gentle with her but firm ‘This is my baby and I’ll be buying what I a
want for her, not impractical, scratchy baby stuff’. In a nice way, obviously, you know her, not us!

Haha I know what you mean but everything you just described is exactly what she would love

Her boys are 4 and nearly 2 - they just have endless amounts of energy and even when she organised a picnic they just kept running off to the park so we never actually got to chat properly. Her husband works away a lot so she’s on her own most of the time.

Yes I think she does yearn for quiet times and she’s very creative so would love her boys to sit down to arts and crafts but they just aren’t interested

Frim what i recall when my boys were thst young non of the girls of the same wanted to sit quietly doing arts and crafts either .

Well I don't know, I mean yes over the top but she's embracing being an auntie to her new niece.

TBH my niece was was born 13yrs after the last baby in our immediate family and she's literally the centre of attention for everyone. I would just let the pictures go and see her a bit less if you need a break.

You may welcome her
girliness when your daughter is 5

Honestly just stop thinking about it, be glad you have a sister who is so excited for you and who obviously has a sort of void from not having a daughter herself.
If it bothers you that much just have the conversation with her but otherwise I think you are being a bit insensitive and I can't see what the big deal is? She just wants to give your daughter designer handbags etc. in the future...

It sounds to me as if the reason you're uncomfortable is that you've decided your daughter is going to be just like you, and you are subconsciously really worried that she's going to grow up 'girly' like your sister and that you won't have much in common with her as she grows up.

I think if you take some deep breaths and remind yourself that a) kids have to be able to decide for themselves who they are, and that sometimes that's not what their parents expected/wanted for them and b) that being a 'girly girl' wouldn't make your daughter inferior to, or weaker, or less interesting than a 'tomboy', you'll start to feel a bit less paranoid about this.

I wasn't a 'girly girl' at all when I was a kid, but I don't see why being one is a problem. My adult friendships with other women haven't been thus far affected by the fact that they played with Barbies as five-year-olds while I preferred Action Man.

It did sound like she was dealing with them on her own with not much of a break, and I'm guessing if they have boundless energy and don't stop, wider family aren't keen on babysitting.

Also sounds quite lonely if her husband is away and she can't spend any quality time maintaining relationships with family or friends because of the kids. No wonder there's a lot of wistful "what ifs" going on.

Your sister sounds like a right pain in the arse. Tell her to back off.

Girls birthdays suck.They tend to be more frilly and pink with party dresses and ballerinas and disappointingly, fewer cars, less lego and no dinosaurs.😞

Speaking as a girl who was into Lego and dinosaurs... this sort of thing ^^ where anything traditionally 'feminine' is dismissed as silly and boring and shallow, just sounds like good old internalised misogyny to me.

It's also perfectly possible to like party dresses AND cars, you know.

Yabu .Hopefully she'll end up doing all the "girly fun stuff" with her that you dont want to do. Win, win.

Sad isn't it. I have four DSs and they're all brilliant.

OP your DSis should cherish her boys.

I really think you are being unreasonable. I’m guessing that she initially felt a little envious but she is turning this around to show how excited and enthusiastic she is. When my mum had me her sister-in-law refused to congratulate her see me for ages. She had 2 boys and made no secret that she was desperate for a girl. Believe me your sister’s enthusiasm is lovely.

Sexist and sad.
We'd go mad if a boy told a girl she couldn't work in certain types of jobs/should make herself pretty in a pink dress and bake him some cakes.
I make sure my son and daughter do the same activities and have the same chances as much as I can. If, when they're older teenagers, they decide together that she'll do the "female stereotype" chores while he does the "male" ones, and he picks stereotypically male courses/activities and vv, fine. But they're having the same chances and expectations from us now. the very first thing my friend said to me (we had our first pregnancies at the exact same time) when she found hers was a girl is "not too much pink, and we talk about her brain not being pretty!"

YANBU. My mum was like this over my daughter (the first girl after a flock of (gorgeous!) grandsons). Even when she was a baby my mum would gush about how she was obsessed with jewelry and lipstick (as if all babies aren't interested in shiny chains and bright colours...). Anyway she's now five and she very firmly likes marine biology and cycling, and while happy to wear dresses is certainly not obsessed with them. My mum's obsession with her "girliness" has died down and she now loves and appreciates my daughter for who she is, which is great. Hopefully your sister will be the same - because it is irritating to have something as exciting and wonderful as a new baby boxed into reductive stereotypes about wedding dresses and frilly pants.