Christmas plans with newborn

[Firstone12]

Know this is entirely the wrong time of year to be thinking about this but am starting to stress.

Me and my partner alternate christmases with our families. This year is his families turn. His family live in another part of the uk that is a short flight away (approx 45 mins).
we are due our first child mid November and have both said we would like a quiet first Christmas. Don’t know how we will be getting on at that point and baby may still be very little.
Problem is his mum is very intense about Christmas and will not be accepting of this. It will likely cause a big family row if we don’t attend. reasons for not wanting to go is I have no idea how I will feel after birth and if I will feel up to it while still trying to get to grips with breastfeeding.
I also dont have the best relationship with in laws (better when fil sober but hasn’t been nice when drunk and rarely doesn’t drink) also big issues with overstepping boundaries.
don’t really want to take a potentially very tiny baby on a flight in winter resp virus season.

am I massively overthinking things or is it reasonable to plan to stay home and do Christmas another time?

This is the best time to start your own traditions. I agreed with stay with my mum on my baby’s first Christmas as per tradition and I regret that now. We now stay at home Christmas Eve/morn and travel after or host.

Whatever happened to 'We'll see, nearer the time,?

Its fricking AUGUST.

YANBU but I will say, we did Christmas alone when our babies were newborns and it was boring as hell. No other adults in the house just meant it was the same as every other day, but with the expectation of "better" food.

If I were you, I'd invite them to me (because as others mention, you may well still be sore from the birth and baby won't have had vaccinations) but of course you can do whatever you want.

Honestly, put your foot down and have the row. Christmas at your PILs sounds horrendous even if you didn't have a new-born baby. It will be a total nightmare with a baby.

Is your MIL that sort of person that will have very strong (probably negative) views about breastfeeding? If she disapproves and makes you feel uncomfortable, this could actually make it very difficult for you to breastfeed. You need to feel relaxed and comfortable which you certainly won't be in their house.

Will your partner back you up or will he expect you to suck it up and spend Christmas with them?

If you want t9 stay at home, which I think is absolute normal with a newborn, then do it. No way would I be getting on a plane with a tiny baby, especially a short flight, when I understand ears are more affected than on a long flight (at least for me).

YANBU even slightly. And it's not too early in this instance. Let a row happen, but hopefully DP will shield you from it. There are too many reasons for you not to go. I wouldn't fly with a baby that young. I had an emergency c-section and sitting on a plane would be unthinkable.

It will do his parents good to learn that things will have to change from now on and they need to get used to it.

Stand your ground and get DP to sort things out, you don't need to be worrying about their nonsense.

Just don't bother! If MIL wants to start a big family row then she's playing with fire when it comes down to easy accessible contact with her grandchild going forward.
I'm due in a few months and I've already made it clear we won't be going anywhere. My own mum only bothers when she needs a favour or her dog looking after so I won't be making the 40 min drive to hers xmas. And my PILs haven't spent a single xmas with my partner as long as we've been together. They always choose the 8 hour drive to spend it with their other son. So this year they can all sod off with their offers of suddenly wanting to spend xmas with us just because we will have a baby.
Stay home and enjoy your first xmas with your baby, zero guilt!

This is your ideal year to break the cycle and start your own traditions. We did and had the best Christmas, enjoyed cooking for ourselves and doing things at our own pace! Stick to your guns and break the cycle!

Let it cause a row. They’re being ridiculous. Stand your ground and say you’re not discussing this further, keep shutting it down.

We are also due November - first baby, and planning a quiet Christmas with no travel. Thankfully my in laws are lovely reasonable people.

I’d say this is for your husband to discuss with them. You don’t need the stress. But stick to your guns, and congratulations

Absolutely do not back down on what you want. YANBU to want a quiet Christmas.

When I had my first child I told everyone that all Christmases would now be me and him, I have occasionally had family over to mine, but I wouldnt be getting caught up in alternate Christmases now.

I'll be a grandma for the first time before Christmas this year and have told my dc that I have zero expectations and to do what's right by them and the baby and we can meet up at any other time and have a gift exchange and meal if they want.

In a couple of years time do you really want to be carting presents around the country and back again.

You need to have this conversation with your husband sooner rather than later and ensure you are on the same page. It would then be best if he talks or messages them. Something like "We wanted to let you know that we've been thinking a lot about Christmas. As much as we'd love to celebrate with everyone, we've decided that we won't be travelling this year. With the baby only being six weeks old, we really feel it's important to stay home, keep things calm, and give ourselves time to settle into life as a family.

We know you'll probably be disappointed, and we hope you understand that this decision is simply about doing what feels right for us and the baby during those very early weeks. We love you all and hope you have a wonderful Christmas. We'll be looking forward to celebrating together another time when things are a little less hectic and the baby is a bit older".

Do not dream of entertaining this.
So what if she's upset.
So your FIL is an unpleasant alcoholic?
Why are you going there at all?

Put your foot down now or this will be a recurring theme.

New family, new traditions.

You will bitterly regret being post partum in such a toxic environment and stuck.

Not a chance I would entertain it.
Tell your husband you are not going and thats it.

You have a long miserable road ahead of you if you start putting inlaws like this ahead of what you want.

She's had her time with her kids at Xmas, so you need to establish your own traditions now. Having a newborn is beat reason to stay home for Christmas but you shouldn't have to have an excuse, it's time for the next era and if mil can't deal with it rationally then tough.

She's had her time with her kids at Xmas, so you need to establish your own traditions now. Having a newborn is best reason to stay home for Christmas but you shouldn't have to have an excuse, it's time for the next era and if mil can't deal with it rationally then tough.

Time to start your own traditions and stop enabling others.

NO WAY. YANBU.

You will be a mother. Perfect time to learn to stand up for yourself and break this stupid cycle of expectations. You will HATE your life if you don't. It will be a life of misery if you try to pander to unreasonable in laws.

And the only mummy your husband should care about is you tbh especially postpartum, he'll be a father now not just a son.

First baby I would have been able to manage a trip like this and probably would have enjoyed it but with my second a baby (born late November) absolutely not. I had a c section, we both in/out of hospital for various reasons including on Christmas Eve and baby caught a cold and ended up hospitalised. Everybody is different but I would agree with your plan to stay home and enjoy a quiet first Christmas, could you go to them next year instead or just start your own traditions?

Nobody on their right mind would think you're unreasonable, and it sounds like your partner is in agreement. Set your boundaries with the inlaws now!

I had a November baby. At Christmas he only slept for 90 minutes at a time and I had to eat my Christmas dinner one-handed. I would advise you to skip travel for both this and next at the very least.

Definitely stay home. At best you’ll be very tired and stressed packing stuff up to take with you. At worst you’ll be utterly exhausted, still recovering from the birth and your in-laws will push you over the edge mentally. And I completely agree with you wanting to protect your baby from viruses when they’re so tiny.

I’d put my foot down and be prepared for the row. Don’t forget you kind of hold all the cards here: they’ll no doubt want to see the baby and bond with the baby. They can’t do that and be moody arseholes.

no reasonable person would expect a new mother and baby to travel like that so soon.
100% lay down the law here and say you will be in your own home for the entire Christmas period recovering and getting to know your baby.

You don’t know how you will feel at all! With my first I wasn’t even allowed to go and get a shower with out someone with me for 4 weeks (my husband was granted extended paternity) because of how ill I was! So I wouldn’t have been going anywhere! With my second, I was in asda doing a weekly shop 24 hours after given birth so I would have gone to a family Christmas. I would just say listen we are not booking anything and we will need to let you know nearer the time depending on how it all goes