Christmas plans with newborn

[Firstone12]

Know this is entirely the wrong time of year to be thinking about this but am starting to stress.

Me and my partner alternate christmases with our families. This year is his families turn. His family live in another part of the uk that is a short flight away (approx 45 mins).
we are due our first child mid November and have both said we would like a quiet first Christmas. Don’t know how we will be getting on at that point and baby may still be very little.
Problem is his mum is very intense about Christmas and will not be accepting of this. It will likely cause a big family row if we don’t attend. reasons for not wanting to go is I have no idea how I will feel after birth and if I will feel up to it while still trying to get to grips with breastfeeding.
I also dont have the best relationship with in laws (better when fil sober but hasn’t been nice when drunk and rarely doesn’t drink) also big issues with overstepping boundaries.
don’t really want to take a potentially very tiny baby on a flight in winter resp virus season.

am I massively overthinking things or is it reasonable to plan to stay home and do Christmas another time?

No one rational could blame new parents for wanting Christmas at home with their tiny baby rather than a plane ride. And you don’t need to pander to irrational people. Talk to your partner and get them to explain to the in laws - and enjoy the best excuse you will ever have for staying home (not that you need an excuse. It’s your Christmas too)

I’d absolutely be having a quiet first Christmas with your baby at home. It might be different if they just lived around the corner but they don’t. I’d ignore any fallout and just do what you want!

If I were you, I absolutely would not be planning to travel abroad 6 weeks after due date, for any reason whatsoever. Stand your ground on this one!

I would let everyone know you intend on having christmas at home. I would say that if she want to come and visit you around Christmas then they are welcome to and arrange a day but let everyone know you will not be hosting and do not want any overnight guests.

I agree.

I wouldn’t have been well enough six weeks after due date.

let the family row happen. It won’t be pleasant.

It’s not too early to be putting a plan together with your partner. Tell him exactly what you’ve said here and tell him that’s why you won’t be seeing in laws at Christmas. It’s a good opportunity to put your foot down and make it clear to the in laws that you won’t be bullied. As compromise, you could suggest a summer get together instead. You’re totally right to get your partner onside now and make sure he doesn’t capitulate if his parents spit their dummy out. If his parents are as awful as you say, you’ll probably have plenty of opportunities to practise reinforcing your boundaries when baby arrives so this is a good early one to set the standard.
Good luck OP. Don’t take any shit.

I think it would be really selfish of them expecting you to travel far with a newborn. I would make it clear now you won’t be doing it.

This is entirely reasonable and noone could argue otherwise. “We want our first family Christmas on our own with our new baby” and hold firm. Partner needs to hold firm.

This will be watershed for the rest of your marriage, because once a parent realises they don’t control you, things change.

No way would I be going on a flight with such a young baby. If the baby is late they might only be 4 weeks old!

There is also you to consider, I wouldn't have been ready. I was still bleeding 4 weeks postpartum, wouldn't want to do that in in-laws house.

With my second baby we had to go for weekly blood tests with her, I am not saying that is likely for you but something like that could happen.

Match her style of mothering… this is your brand new family and time to start new traditions. My children (all older teens now) have had every Christmas at home bar one. In fact my youngest has never had Christmas away from home!

Stay put and have a wonderful time with your brand new baby.

I wouldn't want a little baby anywhere near someone whose been drinking too much.
You should definitely stay at home, tough luck to your in laws. You've been amazing going every other year given what you've said about them.

This is an ideal opportunity to break the cycle of alternating Christmases, not just for this year but for good.

Absolutely stick to your guns this Christmas. My DD was born in mid-November too so we made it clear we wouldn't be travelling anywhere. Family came to visit us and see DD beforehand and DH delivered all the presents ahead of time. Then we had a lovely quiet Christmas just the three of us. I think I ate my Christmas dinner (which DH had cooked) with DD in the sling against my chest as she wouldn't settle anywhere else!

Actually since then we have never had a Christmas away from home. Family were welcome to come and stay if they liked, and they often did, but we were adamant about not travelling.

You have no idea how you’ll feel 6 weeks PP. I lost 4 pints of blood during one delivery and despite 2 blood transfusions, still felt like a ghost two months later. It can really rip you apart. Plus you’ll both be shattered as all new parents are. There’s no way I’d be on a plane with a newborn baby.

It will likely cause a big family row if we don’t attend.

Tough. Don't let them bully you into going.

Your partner needs to tell them not to guilt trip you into visiting.

Your reasons for wanting to stay home are all very strong and sensible reasons. If your partner's mum kicks off just mute the chat and ignore.

I was overdue, had an EMCS and lost a lot of blood. Came home from the hospital on day 4 and we were pretty much immediately back to the hospital due to issues with Ds which were not realised until we were home. We had medical appointments, consultants etc. It was rush here there and everywhere.

My breasts were pouring milk, yes pouring. I had to get out of the shower and put my boobs over the sink so I could dry my body, Dh had to help me into a bra with milk collectors inside. This lasted for a few months until the breastfeeding settled down.

I was bleeding heavily, in massive knickers but also in lovely comfy pyjama bottoms and no I did not want visitors all the time. I did not want to go out much because my body had been through hell and I needed to rest.

Just because it will upset your MIL doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Sometimes you just have to let WW3 play out and be totally unmoved by all the drama. You are staying home, no discussion to be had. This is the point where you decide what you want to do, not just this Christmas but any Christmas going forward. Just because you have always done something doesn't mean you have to continue.

You should obviously do what you feel best for your new family- and staying at home sounds by far and away the best move for all the reasons that other posters have explained.

Regarding the potential ‘big row’:

Firstly ask your husband to handle his family and not even tell you what they say;

Secondly, if they contact you directly just refuse to get drawn into any sort of argument. Hang up the phone if necessary. Just be clear that you’ve made your decision and won’t be discussing it any further.

importantly, relax and enjoy these last few months of pregnancy and then the time with your new baby. Don’t even give headspace to the views of others if you don’t agree with them.

Things change once you have a family of your own and priorities.

Now could be a good time to make changes to your Christmas plans and also I wouldn’t want to be around anyone drunk and unpleasant at anytime let alone with a newborn.

Time for a re-set. They have had a long time to be doing things the way that suit them, now you get to do things the way that suits you.

They choose their own behaviour, none of it makes any difference to you so let them get on with it.

Christ no. I had to travel 2 hours and stay overnight for the wedding of a very close family member at 5 weeks post-partum and post c section, and that was bad enough. Hell would freeze before I’d be going anywhere for Christmas in your position.

Now is the time to make your own family unit decisions and traditions.

They were lucky you alternated before but also that's been a bad precedent to set. DH and I always refused to get into any kind of alternating pattern pre DC, sometimes one family or the other, sometimes the 2 of us, sometimes with friends. When DC arrived we have had either Christmas at home or in the Canaries for a bit of sunshine.

It doesn't matter if anyone doesn't like it, they don't have to, they are not in charge of you.

Edited to add, when I did see drunken family members at a wedding when DC1 was very young I kept my baby in a carrier. We had flown to attend and people felt like they were owed a turn at pass the parcel. A few miffed that they couldn't give a bottle and why couldn't I just express some milk and plenty of other comments, I do have empathy for tricky family situations.

Honestly you have to think of yourselves. Due mid-Nov, baby might not even come to end of Nov so will only be a few weeks old at Christmas, eg before any vaccinations. You absolutely can't plan to fly - possible you will still be recovering from the birth, I had an infection in my stitches which wasn't better for a month after my birth. And I could only Breastfeed side lying in that time.
State you are staying home and they can visit during the day time but absolutely can't stay. And ignore any backlash. make sure your partner is 100% on the same page and it is clearly presented as a joint decision.

You say it will likely cause a big row - it hasn't even happened yet!

Just tell them, if they want to cause a row over something so blindingly obvious then let them. They would be totally unreasonable if they did.

This is an ideal opportunity to break the cycle of alternating Christmases, not just for this year but for good.

I suggest this.

We happened to go to my parents the first year because it was their turn, and my son was a few weeks older, and my parents are very chilled, don't drink, and live a pretty newborn-friendly lifestyle.

My ILs actually uninvited us from theirs the following year as they were hosting BILs large dog!

We now set the plan for our family Christmas, which includes inviting family when it suits us, but we don't let family dictate the golden years of our son's Christmases. We chose to spend Christmas Day with friends last year and MIL was very perturbed that she'd have "had us" if she'd known my parents weren't having us - as if we're a toy we weren't sharing!

Of course you can plan to stay home! It's completely reasonable and understandable to want to have Christmas in your own home with a newborn. Don't worry about MIL or anyone else. If they are going to get the hump, let them. They can visit you before or after Christmas if they want to. Make sure your DH backs you up!