AIBU to refuse a full early Christmas with young children?

[WarmHare]

My in-laws want to celebrate Christmas early (28th/29th of November) due to them going away throughout December.

They brought this up last weekend & we tentatively agreed, however it’s now clear that we all misunderstood what “celebrate” meant.

They are wanting to replicate Christmas Day, my issue is we have very young children, who very much believe in Father Christmas, therefore I don’t want two Christmases confusing them & our second actually real Christmas having the shine taken off.

I offered a compromise of them coming over for the weekend, helping the children decorate the tree, we’ll go to the Pantomime (they start mid November here) then we’ll give them their gifts & have a curry, they really want to give the children & us our gifts & recreate Christmas morning.

As to not drip feed, some context points

DH thinks we should let them replicate Christmas.

They're cruising the first three weeks of December then having Christmas week in Canada, this has been planned & booked for 2 years, its for their 50th wedding anniversary.

We don’t always spend Christmas Day together so we’re not breaking any traditions.

They are lovely people & don’t usually ask much of us, so the guilty side of me is feeling bad

My DH checked that the reason they are being so insistent about early gifts isn’t because they’re are for things before Christmas i.e concert tickets etc, they’re not planning anything like that

So am I being unreasonable & we should just let them completely replicate Christmas or am I not being unreasonable & my compromise seems fair.

@WarmHare

YANBU, and I would be saying no to this too. It's bloody ridiculous. Only way I would be doing this is if they had a week to live. Doing Christmas a month early - especially if I had young kids, would not happen. Your in-laws are the ones choosing to spend December in another country FFS. The only thing I would be prepared to do is give them their gifts in late November, and go to a panto or something.

I would NOT be adhering to their request, no matter how 'nice' they are. It's bloody ridiculous.

If you book a cruise over Christmas then the price you pay is missing Christmas festivities at home. Believe me there will be plenty on board so they won’t miss out, they just won’t be with family.

Depending where they are on Christmas Day they could FaceTime you all, I guarantee that’s what half the ship will be doing.

I think you’re being very kind to offer the compromise but I think it’s unnecessary and ridiculous of them to ask for more.

Some of this is a bit much, I can agree with having a meal together and for them to give their gifts but to make it very clear that grandma and grandad aren't here for Christmas so we are having a get together early.
I would not be doing the whole pretend it's Christmas, but having a roast dinner together is just normal?

They had their chance. I'd say no.

Trying to do two Christmases will blow Santa for the kids. Going to school / nursery and telling kids they've had Christmas will cause upset.

Santa & the tooth fairy was blown for my oldest by clocking a half hearted effort at the easter bunny. He was only about 7 at the time.

They either let Santa deliver their gifts (my Santa is really a big courier he delivers but not everything is from him) or they wait until their return.

Probably because it's a lot of work and it might take the shine off the real Christmas Day for OP's small children. It could certainly confuse them.

Oh goodness no I wouldn’t be doing two Christmas days it’s enough doing one. I like your compromise.

It sounds utterly ludicrous. You’ll be completely Christmasses-out by December 25th. Which would be fine if you were then going to ignore actual Christmas but it doesn’t sound like you will be.

I am old and love a good cruise. I also love Christmas and my grandchildren. But if I’m away over Christmas that’s entirely my problem. I made my choice when I booked.

Why can’t you have a Christmas meal and exchange presents, your children can clearly be told that you are getting presents from grandparents early because they are going on holiday. No confusion here because you clearly say gifts are from grandparents

I agree. I live overseas and we have taken DC for an early Christmas with GP. We had crackers, party poppers and exchanged our gifts. Children knew it was not the “real” Father Christmas gifts. Remind GPs that children would remember their presents more clearly - not as all popped into a pile to be opened as a one.

You can’t be everywhere at the same time. I’m sure GPs will enjoy their trip.

You can’t replicate Christmas morning, you just can’t, let alone try to do that in November.

I'm going against the grain here I think.

Sounds lovely to me. Just tell your DC that you're having an extra special Christmas for Nanny and Grandad as they're going away when it's the normal Christmas Day so all the presents will be from them. How lucky you are as Santa will still be coming to our house in December.

If they are both under 5 they will have a ball with all the presents and excitement. They are too young to overthink it and I think you are overthinking it all tbh. You won't be spoiling anything for them - they will still have a great time in December when Santa comes for real! Your love your PILs and these are the sort of days/memories that will be a comfort to you and DH once they're gone. Your DCs will not have Christmas ruined by this. They'll love it. Go for it and just enjoy the day.

And Christmas dinner is just a roast, Buck’s Fizz can be drunk at anytime too. Why not have a different meat to that you are planning at Christmas and scale back sides too, I can prep a roast in 30 minutes max

I can’t imagine asking my dc to do this because I’ve chosen to go away.

We do a buffet together and exchange gifts in the run up to Christmas (usually Christmas Eve), we’ve always done it even when my dc were small.

The dgc know it’s not Christmas and that Father Christmas comes on Christmas Eve but that we have a pre Christmas celebration. Ours usually involves crafts and making things for the big day.

I’m always baffled when people try to put logic around Father Christmas - just say it’s magic. The elves know GPs are going away so they are helping with Santa magic. The whole guff about gifts, different families do it differently because - magic. The gifts have come early because - magic.

Just to clarify they actually mean to replicate Christmas morning, so they’d stay the night before (which they would do when they’re visiting anyway) tell the kids it’s Christmas the next day, exchange gifts, make/have a Christmas dinner, play games eat chocolates, watch a film together.

They'd stay at yours? So you'd host it all, make a massive roast, get all the food in etc?

No way I'd be doing that twice in a year. Once is enough and if they miss it that's their choice. They decided to go on a cruise.

Depending on the ages and understanding of your kids of your kids I'd say "so granny and grandad are feeling a bit sad about away for Christmas. They've asked if we can have a pretend Christmas for them a month early. Yes it's weird, we know, but will you pretend with us?"

Under 5s might not understand that though. If so I'd not be having Father Christmas come a month early. They'll just have to miss out on that.

I wonder if they are being a bit guilt tripped about being away? My parents were on a world cruise when DS was born, they booked before I was pregnant, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that they should cancel.

They’re celebrating a huge event, much more important than one of many Christmasses. I would arrange to FaceTime them on a port day via the ship’s internet, and do present opening then. Doing a fake Christmas early sounds bonkers.

Oh, I get it now. The Canadians aren't going to do their Xmas exactly the way your inlaws want so you've been voluntold to make it happen at the end of Nov for them so they can go somewhere else for Xmas and still get the Xmas they want and you provide. Just tell them Xmas is Dec 25 and you're not going to lie to your kids that you're teaching not to lie and Baby Jesus is not happy about them wanting to lie about his 🎂.

You know this is weird.

This would irritate me quite a lot. We celebrate the Twelve Days and do something (often a party) for Twelfth Night - I also give a present to each of my children on Twelfth Night. The tree goes up on about 22 December but we only decorate it on 24 so it would annoy me a lot to have to do Christmas so early.

However, I think that 29 November is the start of Advent. Instead of saying that it is “Christmas” tomorrow, could you all tell the children that you are doing a special Advent this year because granny and grampie won’t be around? You could always go to church for an Advent service (if you would like that).

I think it's fine as long as you are not expected to lie to your kids and tell them it's actaully Christmas. That would be kind of hard anyway as you will be celebrating with the in-laws and then out comes the advent caledars and you start counting down to Christmas. So they will have to be told that you are just doing this because the DGPs will be away for Christmas but they would love to do an extra Christmas with their DGCs.

Op if they are both under 5 it would be a hard no. It will confuse them far too much.
Something else to look out of is upset because they didn't get whatever they really wanted for Christmas.

I though my 4 year old understood the difference between his Birthday days before Christmas and Christmas but apparently not. It was tears and sobs 😭 because Santa didn't bring his hearts desire.

I'd say no to exchanging gifts in advance. Panto and dinner. Gifts need to wait.

Age of DC is critical. Under three they don’t have the expectation necessary for confusion to arise. 3-6 is peak FC belief and anticipation.

So if you can open gifts from them only, fine, they’re from them. Gets complicated if you involve gifts from you that you’d normally badge as from FC- and why would you be giving gifts in November anyway? You’d then have to give more in December!

Can you make it about advent and the start of the Christmas season? Give them advent calendars and make a thing of that?

Food & drink is a grown-up obsession, DC don’t care what special dinner, drinks or chocolates there are.

To me the other big issue is the tree. Surely you wouldn’t have a Christmas tree up in November? If it’s end of Nov could you make it your advent and tree decorating weekend? Do that on ‘celebration eve’?

Just to clarify they actually mean to replicate Christmas morning, so they’d stay the night before (which they would do when they’re visiting anyway) tell the kids it’s Christmas the next day, exchange gifts, make/have a Christmas dinner, play games eat chocolates, watch a film together.

I genuinely don’t see the issue, apart from telling the kids it’s Christmas.

Wake up.
Open presents.
Have a roast.
Play games, eat chocolates and watch a film.

Sounds like the perfect day and the kids would love it!!

They chose to book a cruise - they can’t have it both ways

How ridiculous of them.

Don’t go away over Christmas if it means that much to you.

I’d be saying a firm no to this. Your compromise sounds entirely reasonable.