AIBU to refuse a full early Christmas with young children?

[WarmHare]

My in-laws want to celebrate Christmas early (28th/29th of November) due to them going away throughout December.

They brought this up last weekend & we tentatively agreed, however it’s now clear that we all misunderstood what “celebrate” meant.

They are wanting to replicate Christmas Day, my issue is we have very young children, who very much believe in Father Christmas, therefore I don’t want two Christmases confusing them & our second actually real Christmas having the shine taken off.

I offered a compromise of them coming over for the weekend, helping the children decorate the tree, we’ll go to the Pantomime (they start mid November here) then we’ll give them their gifts & have a curry, they really want to give the children & us our gifts & recreate Christmas morning.

As to not drip feed, some context points

DH thinks we should let them replicate Christmas.

They're cruising the first three weeks of December then having Christmas week in Canada, this has been planned & booked for 2 years, its for their 50th wedding anniversary.

We don’t always spend Christmas Day together so we’re not breaking any traditions.

They are lovely people & don’t usually ask much of us, so the guilty side of me is feeling bad

My DH checked that the reason they are being so insistent about early gifts isn’t because they’re are for things before Christmas i.e concert tickets etc, they’re not planning anything like that

So am I being unreasonable & we should just let them completely replicate Christmas or am I not being unreasonable & my compromise seems fair.

Definitely, and Dec 25 retains its special magic for the children

In a minority here but I’ve done a few fakemasses in recent years, including with young kids, due to everyone not being able to be in the same place on the actual day. For very very young children it’s not confusing (they don’t know what’s going on). A 3 year old can understand that it’s not real Christmas. Real Christmas is very much Father Christmas centred so I don’t think doing Buck’s Fizz etc will take the shine off that… the kids don’t care about that stuff!

I think it works out well. You can do a Christmas lunch (a big roast, after all, and perhaps in laws will help). Why not have Buck’s Fizz and chocs and exchange presents (especially if they bring some champers and treats)? It’ll be a lovely day!

Also maybe even takes the pressure off a bit on actual Christmas Day which will be smaller and you can make more child centred.

If all that cooking fills you with dread then you could scale it back a bit: a different meat (not turkey), ready made pigs in blankets and red cabbage or whatever if available, but still do crackers and a shop bought Christmas pudding?

We always have “first Christmas” a week before the real thing. It’s a chance to get together with those that we can’t be with on the actual day. We give everyone a gift though don’t get one in return. The grandchildren love it and look forward to it each year.
Please don’t spoil your PIL’s enjoyment of their 50th anniversary by being awkward about this.

Sinterklaas comes to us 5th Dec - definitely not Santa/Christmas but a nice add on. But your dates are even earlier than that. That would be a long time to have the tree up. And it would be strange for them at nursery or school. But i sympathise with their grandparent feelings. Sorry, not helping much

Much as they might be "nice people" your ILs are being incredibly selfish here.
DH needs to take your side and it's not ok that he is siding with them.

Set your boundary and stick to it! Your compromise is more than reasonable.

I'm baffled as to why they are insisting on this given that you said they don't always spend Xmas with you and nobody is dying!

I haven’t spoken to MIL, I’m going to delay discussing the topic for a while, I mean it is July (I’m still trying to enjoy summer) we’re seeing them in a few weeks, I think I’ll iron out the finer details then.

I’m going to present two options; option one we keep the date as the 28th/29th of November with my original plan of decorating the tree, seeing a panto but with their plan of exchanging/opening gifts & a Christmas Dinner or option two will be a date in January to exchange/open gifts & a Christmas Dinner, this will just be one day though not a whole weekend.

Now I’ve had a few days to think about it I do think MIL’s desire to replicate Christmas is more to do with realising her Christmas in Canada won’t be traditional, to give her credit, although the cruise has been planned for a long time the Canada trip has been organised recently and I’m wondering if she had one idea in her mind (a big family Christmas celebration on the 25th with dinner, gifts, spending the day together) and the Canadian relatives do more an informal buffet brunch with a secret Santa style gifting, then some of them are planning ice fishing in the afternoon/others are a planning a bar crawl, basically all going separate ways - probably not what she was picturing and she did sound a little low when telling me the plans, I’m hoping once she’s had time to get excited about a Christmas in Canada she’ll relax on trying to have one here before she leaves.

Surely when they come back after Christmas makes a better compromise. The shine isn't taken off real Christmas and you can keep the Christmas stuff around to replicate it for them ?

Your idea sounds lovely, theirs sounds mad

DH needs to take your side and it's not ok that he is siding with them.

Why? “I will always agree with you” hasn’t been part of any marriage vows I’ve ever heard. We are all allowed independent thought when we’re married.

They’re not suggesting FC visits, just that they give your kids the gifts from them?

i think your idea of panto sounds better though. Xmas day is boring . Why do they want to do that?

It's too early to do a fake Christmas in November. Plus a lot of effort, decorations up early, lots of extra cooking and shopping with no extra time off work, and real Christmas will not be as special for you and the kids.
They chose to have the whole month of December away, they know when Christmas occurs, they can't have their cake and eat it. They are lucky to be going on such a great holiday.
They are being a bit unreasonable expecting a full rerun (or prerun?) of Christmas.

@WarmHare

No effing way!! Stick to your guns!!

Your compromise is great. You can’t completely swap a full-on Christmas to a month early & take all the special out of it just because they want to bugger off on holiday!!!! Tough. They’re YOUR kids & you get to have the Christmas Day with them that you had planned!!

My Mum's parents had Christmas a week or two weeks before every year. We loved it.

We swapped presents and had presents on the day that came off the tree. You could do it that FC left a special early present. As we got older our GP would put presents on the tree for all of us and we knew they'd given them. We'd then get a present for under the tree on 25th December.

We usually did have turkey but with scotch eggs, coleslaw and baked potatoes so it felt special but not like a proper Christmas lunch. We'd have crackers and games too. Then a tea with Christmas cake, left overs etc.

I think what your IL are suggesting could be lovely as long as they don't push it into it actually being Christmas.

Absolutely 100% NO.

Christmas magic is one of the most magical wonderful part of being a kid, if they want to go away, that's fine, but it cannot spoil your kids, and actually I can't believe they asked or your hubby's okay with it.

We have experienced something very similar, and when we said no the in laws went behind our backs and went to see santa in November and all sorts, that's one afternoon caused a huge amount of hassle and upset and took a huge amount of effort to mend it for the kids. I have never forgiven them. So tred careful. Good luck.

I think your offer though for a Christmasy day is really lovely and more than reasonable. They don't know how lucky they are.

No Father Christmas routine until 24th/25th Dec.

They can give family gifts whenever they like …’ because Nan and Grandad are going away for Christmas’ but no Santa gifts.

Yes, I would make decorating the tree the special bit and sharing a nice Sunday lunch type meal together (but save the turkey until Christmas Day)

They are very unreasonable to dictate what you do, in this way.
Quietly stand your ground OP.
It’s an early celebration as they will be on holiday.
Not a replica Christmas!

I don't think I'd want to commit to anything yet. I'd probably tell them that it's very early to think about Christmas and I'll decide nearer the time. Anyone with experience of young children should understand that .

When I was younger we once did a ‘Christmas Day in August’ because a branch of our family were emigrating.

We just did a roast dinner with crackers and a few party games etc. the smaller kids all knew there was no presents and Santa and that the point of it was just to have a little celebration with them as we didn’t know when we would next see them. Because it was August, it was warm and it seemed a bit mad!

This seems odd. They chose to go away then, they surely must have known they would miss Christmas with the children. It’s odd to me that they chose this time…. Being so close to Christmas, I can see it causing confusion for really young ones.

I think you’re within your rights to say that the children are too young to understand and that it will be confusing for them.
You say you don’t alway spend Christmas with them, so it seems out of character? Why are they worried about missing something they don’t usually do?!

Could you offer to host a roast dinner when they get back, in January maybe? They can give their gifts then if they don’t want to leave them for you guys to give out on actual Christmas Day??
At least the children will understand Christmas is ‘done’ and this is just a small extra thing….their idea seems like a practice run but missing some of the vital elements 😂😂

I'm pretty sure 29th Nov will be stir up Sunday ie. an excuse for the kids and grandparents to start baking a Christmas cake. If nobody eats Christmas cake you could have a baking / cooking activity in the spirit of Christmas prep.

I think if you're doing enough Christmas prep stuff together + presents + a nice meal the grandparents will be happy enough.

I personally only want one proper Xmas dinner a year. To have one several weeks early when it’s not Xmas, just makes my heart sink. It’s the type of thing we have suggested too. I really don’t get it. I think it’s fine to say that you don’t want an exact replica as it takes the shine off the real day.

Oh ffs stop being so bloody precious. You'd know all about it if your kids had no family to give them extra Christmases. They won't be confused whatsoever and you know that. You're just being awkward. Imaging being so ungrateful that people actually WANT to spend time with you and your kids. Plenty have no family and nothing special for Christmas.

Why not just replicate minus Father Christmas? Can't really see the harm - it is a whole month before.

I've said this before but why does Christmas Day have to be the superior day for spending time with your family? Spending time with your loved ones can be meaningful whatever day of the year it falls on and shouldn't need to be a pretend Christmas for it to be worthwhile.

Thats the issue, that the bit the Grandparents want the sleepover getting up to gifts.
Regardless of what the gifts say "To Bob, Merry Christmas, From Gran" kids will think Santa delivered and think Santa missed whatever they most wanted.

Just no! Your suggestion is lovely and a very nice compromise! Explain about Santa and the confusion this will cause for the children and how it could ruin the magic, then stick to your guns. It’s not about them!

Yanbu Christmas is Christmas Id not be having a fake one in November! I would go to panto have a family meal etc[ Im a granny and new great granny]