To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

As far as many men are concerned, especially those who purchase the sexual services of women half their age, 'attractive and desirable' equates with youth. As such, the OP is already at the upper end of 'sugar baby' category.

You can pretend not to be aware of that if you like. Just as you can pretend it's easy to waltz into a £100K job after taking a few years out to sell sex. But that is the reality.

It's a transaction, and she can choose to explore alternative routes.

The OP is not at the upper end of the age range. You seem to forget about the women who are 40+ with sugar daddies.

As I said, if the OP is skilled and valuable, she can find another job paying £100K.

What is so hard to comprehend?

If you can do it, who on earth wants to be struggling? I would much rather be in your position than working to the bone up to my eyeballs in stress, with nothing to show for it at the end of the month.

How is supposedly earning over twice the average national salary at the age of 27 'struggling' and having 'nothing to show'?

Whereas casting around for much older men who will pay you to perform sex acts of their choice is somehow liberating?

Her value is diminishing with every year that passes I can assure you. The OP's only option is already an elderly man. That speaks volumes about her 'value'.

Well unless he’s going to buy a home for you, with no strings attached, I wouldn’t linger for too long!! Your life could pass you by while he gets older and starts requiring care and / or trades you for a younger model when you hit your thirties/forties. Before you know it, you’re left with nothing but a few sparkly trinkets and all the decent men your own age have been taken.

You seem to forget about the women who are 40+ with sugar daddies.

Yeah you're right. I did. Silly me. How could I forget all those women in their 40s making a fortune as live in prostitutes?

As I said, if the OP is skilled and valuable, she can find another job paying £100K.
What is so hard to comprehend?

Because, despite what some posters on this thread will have you believe, jobs paying £100K are quite rare and are very competitive. An unexplained gap of at least a few years will instantly put your CV on the 'rejected' pile in many workplaces.

The older ones usually are the most generous and less demanding.

She chose wisely.

It's probably before your time OP but it reminds me of the Sleeper song Nice Guy Eddie. It's a nice song!

You seem triggered by the fact that the OP has the luxury of leaving a job that pays £100K and using her beauty to receive money from a sugar daddy. She also has the prospect of returning to her career.

I wonder why.

The OP is desperate for literally anything thrown their way. I've seen it many times before. The man wins every single time.

I do wonder if there is men responding to this. People urging her into wholesale prostitution and pretending she’s ooptions. Selling sex to the highest bidder. This one stops, find another man to pay for it. Find multiple. Escort sites can be lucrative.

i wonder if it is women encouraging prostitution, if they encourage their daughters to be whores, not work, find a man to rent a place for you and pay you an allowance, to give up careers, independence for it.

becaude it’s not something I applaud nor is it something I’d ever encourage a woman to do, not if she had any other options.

it’s like the dark ages on here sometimes, fuck for money, stay home. It’s disturbing,

Not necessarily if depends how long she’s out for. And I’m really shocked at the posters who think prostitution is a viable lifestyle choice.

This. All of this.

I have an acquaintance who is in a similar situation with a man closer to her own age. She lost her job a few years ago right when Covid started shutting everything down & he started paying her rent / giving her an allowance. She had a very good job in finance and it would have been fairly easy for her to find another one if she had started looking sooner.

Now her relationship with this man is winding down, she’s updated her CV and she’s complaining that no companies are showing interest. She can’t provide them an explanation for such a large gap on her CV - she didn’t have a child, it’s been too long to claim that it was a “Covid sabbatical” and she seems startled that the financial world hasn’t been waiting to greet her with open arms upon her decision to return.

She expected to just step back into a role like the one she previously held, disregarding the multiple years of graduate hires who have gained the same amount of experience and, more importantly, have shown consistent employment during that time period.

As for wanting a family, I supposed when you’re young and lovely, you think it won’t take any time at all to find someone and get pregnant right away, but first you have to find someone. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a quality man? How are you going to do that while being a sugar baby? How will you tell him you make a living? I’m not judging your choices, I’m looking at this logically - what is the timeline for finding a man & having a baby? Is your plan to date while you’re with your sugar daddy?

Oh yeah five years later shell
walk right back in for top
wages…

Don’t become a life coach whatever you do!

It's just the kids thing. Maybe she can find dates for the next 10 years but I'm in my mid-30s - even in London in a dating market where people settle down fairly late, the candidate pool for a potential husband who wants kids, when you're 30 vs 35 is vastly different

Do what you want but of course his family will have concerns, rightfully so. They're probably disappointed in him for being a creep but it's easier to blame you

The OP has chosen this path for herself and understands exactly what she is doing. We cannot pretend that sex work does not exist in our society.

While prostitution is an unorthodox line of work, many women experience success. Websites such as OnlyFans exist for a reason. Men will duly pay for a service they like.

What you get when married is very different to this though. Surely that's clear

The OP has the potential, especially if she has the right connections.

As I said, nepotism does exist 🙂

If the OP had the right connections, she wouldn't be living in a rented flat at almost 30. Let's face facts.

I was referring to the OP's job prospects.

The OP felt comfortable enough to quit her job because of the allowance she is receiving. 18 months and still running? She is doing well.

Accusing someone of being 'triggered' and then making vague insinuations is a classic sign of a lost argument.

Bit of an unstable job market though, don’t you think?

I do wonder if there is men responding to this.

I started wondering that several pages ago.