To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

That’s clearly not going to happen in your current relationship. How do you plan to exit it and find a very wealthy husband who also wants kids in the next few years? I suspect that a lot of men will be rather put off by your relationship history.

By the time you’re in your mid thirties, your youthful glow will be fading and you’ll be competing for a very small and shrinking group of single men who can provide what you want. And their wealth will make them both very selective and on guard for women who are primarily interested in their ability to provide an easy life.

I disagree; the OP has not failed.

We do not know what her finances or allowance look like.

But how are you going to achieve the comfortable family life, if you don't have a wealthy husband candidate, and dropped from your career?
You are not going to impose it on the pensioneer, are you?

The man calls all of the shots and doles out whatever he sees fit. I've seen it time and time again. The OP is being played for a fool. 'Allowance' - seriously? 😂😂😂

No. The reality of checking easily found statistics about employment and tax rates in the UK.

BatchCookBabe didn't actually say the strawman posts the 2 of you have invented.

If he chooses to stop paying, she can end the relationship. The OP can choose to return to work or find another sugar daddy.

She is not powerless.

So true. I hadn't heard this before but it's depressingly spot on. And it applies as well to 'hidden' prostitution as to the actual kind, and to porn actresses who also famously start out not doing anal and end up 15 years later doing the most desperate, painful things on camera.

Even if the feminism doesn't speak to you, OP, none of this bodes well for the future.

You're assuming, not presuming

Presuming means that you came to the idea based on evidence or probability. To assume is just to come to your own conclusions without thought or the slightest bit of evidence.

If he chooses to stop paying, he's the one who has already ended the relationship - his choice, he holds the power.

Yep. This is basically a 'zero hours contract'. The 'employer' holds all the cards.

It's your life. I would have kept the 100k job alongside, but your choice!

Well it’s not most people’s business. But it is his children’s. I’d want my dad to be making sensible life choices. I’m not sure this is it. Plus I’d be embarrassed that my dad was going after a younger woman in a self proclaimed transactional based relationship.

OP, if you’re shrewd, you’ll do whatever it takes to get to know his children better. Seduce the oldest son. Marriage, kids, divorce. You’d be sorted.

Should that happen, she can find another sugar daddy or return to her career.

The OP has options.

Well they don’t sit in the park all week. Where else do you think they work?

My partner is 25 years older than I am (but not rich 🤣), and being in this relationship has simply reinforced to me that, as long as you are both happy, other people's perception of your relationship do not matter. People will always have opinions, and even more so with more unconventional situations. Our family and friends on both sides have largely accepted it, and he has children who seem generally happy that he is happy. People are more than entitled to disagree or disapprove, but it's your life and as you have said, you both benefit from your situation and enjoy each others' company. And surely being happy in a less conventional relationship is far better than being in a more socially acceptable relationship where you are unhappy or unfulfilled?!

The 'options' are to be forever controlled by a man, never his equal and never holding the power.

So how will you survive financially when he dies if he is your sole income source bit you won’t be in the will?

And with her 'value' diminishing with each passing year.

No judgement whatsoever from me, but if you're happy, why not find another sugar daddy or wealthy man to see? Having at least 2 on the go could double your income and would give you peace of mind in case one of them decides to retract the arrangement without notice. If you can do it, who on earth wants to be struggling? I would much rather be in your position than working to the bone up to my eyeballs in stress, with nothing to show for it at the end of the month.

Definitely save as much as you are able to and try not to be frivolous with the money. He is at liberty to end your arrangement at any point, so ensure that you are protected and that you fulfil any tax obligations. I would also start working somewhere very part-time or use the money to complete a course that would benefit your future career so your CV is free from gaps should any questions arise from future employers. Good luck, enjoy the money, holidays and abundance of free time that you now have. You don't get a gold medal or a blue Peter badge at the end of your life for spending a large proportion of it working like a dog in a more "noble" career with very little to show for it.

Are you BatchCockBabes boyfriend? Pretty sure they can speak for themselves.

Imagine being so triggered by young, high earners. Really sad. I think they are amazing.

Her value will not diminish if she looks attractive and desirable.

I echo this.

Have multiple engagements, secure the appropriate funds and enjoy an early retirement.

Of course they are judging you,they wouldn't be human otherwise.
There is nothing wrong with financial security being the most important part of a relationship,but you need to be honest with yourself and realise your partner will aware that this is the attraction.
You also need to prepare for the financial shock if he dies suddenly,earlier than you expect.
You also need to recognise he won't want to fund you once he retires-which may be in just a few years time,so that needs planning for as well.

They are another individual who is scorned by the fact that a young person could earn a sought-after salary.