AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

@SillyPeachAnt theres a fairly well known counselling rule of thumb. If someone offers you an observation, comment, or advice, and you reject it angrily or out of hand, there’s something deeper there. It’s worth considering why you have reacted disproportionately angrily to some posts.

Are they saying something you “need” to repress very strongly?

That may not be the case, only you will know, but it’s worth reflecting on your responses to advice or comments that make you angry.

although the riposte that his cock must just have gotten a bit smaller is probably the way I’d go ….

Well I definitely agree with you about the breast issue because there isn't any way of changing that.

Well all of this could be said about reacting angrily to the DH's comments.

Sometimes, this site is like a parallel universe to most people’s reality.

OP is obviously upset, but like 99% of people in reality, she’s not going to question a good marriage over a single comment.

How many here would tell a guy to divorce his wife if she said he wasn’t getting as hard as he used to? I am guessing virtually none.

Who knows why he said it or what he was thinking?! Which is why the OP is going to do that weirdly unobvious thing to most on this thread, and actually ask him about it.

Not angry at the responses I appreciate them but just feel as though people want me to respond a certain way for my own feelings ti be valid when this is just how I feel. I can feel differently to others surely that’s okay too.

I'm not seeing it that way actually.

I think she just feels some of it is childish and OTT.

I agree with you, I’m even getting attacked for doing so. It’s awful. As soon as I read your post I knew it was going like this, your own views would be invalidated, and your husband viscerated.

And there may not be any way of changing her vagina either, especially if she's already doing pelvic floor exercises.
It really doesn't seem as though it can have been meant to serve any purpose other than to deliberately make her feel insecure about her body – unless he's terminally stupid and constantly puts his foot in his mouth, saying offensive things to everyone he talks to. Which he might well do!

And what if you are not?

Insensitive was the nurse giving me a smear test who said, "Your vagina goes a long way back"
I left feeling I had a cavern between my thighs

No there MAY not but there often is.

She’s not. She’ll be using her emotional intelligence to open up a conversation. If she’s more confrontational from the start he could become defensive.
it’s being clever.

I’d rather just ask him and speak about it instead of jumping to conclusions. We normally speak about things it doesn’t mean I’m not upset at the comment just because I don’t want to insult him I personally don’t feel like I’d gain anything from that. I’d rather see how he reacts to me mentioning that he comment made me upset and I’ve been thinking about and just wanted to speak about it. I don’t think he’ll shut down the conversation or try to belittle me as some are suggesting I like to think that he likes me and values how I feel in that moment based on the previous 15 years bit clearly he did not in that moment but that’s why we will talk about it and come to a conclusion together it’s not something I’m going to hold onto and use it against him otherwise what’s the point of being married if that’s the case I don’t want that sort of marriage I’d rather speak and see how that goes and squash things like adults.

To those asking why I posted here because I’m not reacting how they’d want me to for my feelings to be valid. I posted because the comment upset me that’s all. I am allowed to feel how I feel I’m not saying my feelings are superior to anyone’s on here it’s just they’re my feelings I don’t need to feel a certain way for them to valid.

Then perhaps, if he was actually concerned about the state of her vagina but also cared about her feelings, he should've opened a constructive dialogue at a more appropriate time.
Honestly, I'm flabbergasted that people think his behaviour was him somehow trying to be helpful by encouraging her to get her less tight vagina back into shape, so he can enjoy it more (offensive in itself).
The excuses people will make to justify men's behaviour...

I struggle to understand why your DH would even contemplate saying such an insensitive thing to you. What did he hope to achieve? It's not like him telling you that he doesn't like the dress you are wearing and would prefer you to wear a different one. You don't have a spare vagina that hasn't been through childbirth that you could use instead.

I would question what he wants me to do with that information. I’ve done all sorts over the years: massage, pelvic floor exercises, Pilates, but things are still different for me after 2 difficult births.

I don’t think the ops made any angry comments, how are people thinking that? Go ahead op, talk to him and see what he says.

So why didn't you mention it at the time OP? Did you just smile and nod? My DH would know straight away if he said something to upset me... Odd you just carried on as normal

No it isn't a case of being helpful necessarily; it's a case of being open.

I've already said to you I posted that I was on the fence about it, but am also trying to look at it from the perspective that I wouldn't really like my DH thinking it and feeling he can't raise it either.

The uncomfortable truth is that the impact of childbirth on the body can be a pain.

OP I'd just say to him you are glad he was open but the way he said it made you feel a bit objectified - which i am sure it did.

What other way can it mean other than horrible though? Tell him his balls are saggier than they used to be and his stomach is fatter than it used to be. It is probably factual but it is still a horrible thing to say.

I don’t think anyone has said that he was concerned about the state of her pelvic floor - he remarked on a change - insensitive for sure but healthy communication is surely the way ahead. We all have said things that in hindsight didn’t land the way we’d intended. Forgiveness is a big part of a long marriage!

So you would think it's alright to tell a woman who's had breast reconstruction that her breasts aren't as attractive, then. Because as you said, it's not always about being helpful, but also a case of being open.

I disagree. There are some things that just don't need to be said, whether they're true or not – and a decent person wouldn't want to say them, as they know it will be needlessly hurtful, and they don't want to hurt their partner.

Well plenty of threads tell women they should be honest with their DH that they don't like the fact he has put on weight so that he can do something about it. They even go further to say the op should say she isn't attracted to him - and "why should she be" etc, which I think is way too far.

I'm no apologist for men, but I also find it puerile to have double standard just because they are male.

He didn't handle it perfectly, but he was communicating in a way that the OP - who was there - said was not delivered cruelly. It is an issue that could affect their relationship, so I am not convinced burying it is the best course.

No she’s just not taken their instructions to insult him or dump him and they don’t like that

their next comment will be about a “lack of standards”

There are posters who feel it hasn't been a good day on MN if they haven't played their part in blowing apart someone else's marriage.

Sometimes that is needed. Sometimes it isn't.