AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I think I’d comment that he’s smaller than he used to be now he’s older.

Great minds

Some thoughts:

• Are you confident your body has healed properly since giving birth? If not, you could try your GP / find an independent physiotherapist specialising in pelvic floor health (if you can't get an NHS referral). If you leak wee, stress incontinence style a pelvic floor physio is likely to be helpful too.

• If you're not sure and you have the kind of relationship where you can ask for this - ask him to look and feel - does it look like anything was sewn / has healed incorrectly?

• Are you physically comfortable with penetration? Consider vaginal moisturisers and/or vaginal oestrogen especially if you're breastfeeding. (These are separate products to lube, for regular use rather than for sexual activities)

• Is he mis-remembering how it feels to be doing PIV because it's been so long? Does he have a rose tinted glasses version of how it felt in his head that never matched the reality.

• Is he seeking a different sensation? Can he explain more? There's so much room for you to experiment with differences activities and positions to do them in that creature sensations in different places.

After reading all of the posts I think you and your husband have a lovely relationship.

Him saying that immediately after sex wasn’t ideal but if he has a concern he should be able to speak about it to you, as you should he.

I'm glad that it’s been resolved between you both and that you aren’t weaponising sex.

Im sorry but I dont know any man who wouldnt automatically know that a comment like that would be incredibly hurtful to a woman, especially those who have not long given birth. Are you sure he wasnt being intentionally critical?
Id tell him he has definitely shrunk over the years and that its him not you.
See how he feels then

Wasn't ideal?

In the same way that if OP had welcomed her DH home from hospital after sugery on his penis, the third round of penis surgery as a matter of fact, and post sex said, you're dick's not as hard as it used to be.

That kind of not ideal? And yet we have people here advising OP that the issue is vaginal moisturisers, and Kegel exercises. Yet more work for OP to do in order to be acceptable to her husband, who can't control his thoughts never mind his mouth.

Cant help remembering threads on the Relationships board from MNers posting about their partners ED and that their partners have done the square root of fuck all to solve it yet women are expected to bend over backwards when they have a problem OR when they are percieved to have a problem

Quite.

So what could he say that would make her feel better? He stated a fact, her vagina is not as tight as it was before childbirth. There is nothing she can do about that (apart from plastic surgery). Perhaps he mentioned it because he is worried that his penis will no longer be able to satisfy her? They need to talk, without blame, and hopefully reassure each other.

I’m sure a conversation could and should have happened, perhaps later on, that didn’t start and end with ‘your not tight’. But also - she cannot help how her vagina feels. It’s like someone pointing out stretch marks or saggy boobs. What good does it do other than chip away someone’s confidence?

Honestly, if anything it could be that she was extremely aroused, having sex for the first time in so long – that makes the vaginal muscles relax, and combined with plenty of (natural) lubrication that would result in a less 'tight' vagina. Which still doesn't make his comment anywhere near acceptable.

Then he should've used an ounce of thought and consideration, and brought it up more sensitively, at another time. Not just casually told her as a throwaway comment that she was less tight, after their first time having sex since childbirth.

He didn't say he was worried about satisfying her, or simply ask her if it had felt good for her (because if she said, 'yes, amazing!' then he wouldn't have to worry). No, he just informed her that her vagina was looser.

‘Yeah, I was talking about this with a postpartum friend. She feels a bit loose, but says her husband is thankfully so well-endowed that it doesn’t matter.’
😈

Sometimes, when you have said something really hurtful and inappropriate, there is nothing that you can say to make it better, because it's out there.

Just like if you said to your husband, dear, your penis is a lot softer than it used to be, as he rolled off you post sex, feeling really vulnerable having just come from a prostate operation, there wouldn't be much you could say to make him feel better about that.

If you had said that, he would be entitled to think you were a pretty shitty person, and the views you held about him, and his body were problematic. Would you expect him to talk, without blame to you in this case? There would be clear wrong doing, and it would be yours to repair, not his to run rings around wondering how to forgive and forget and raise it in the best way so HE didn't upset YOU.

I picture them at the dining room table in a high viz.

“A concern”. Him thinking ahead feels looser is a “concern” he should feel able to raise?

Whut?

OP it’s a bit odd how your post starts off as a complaint and then goes off on a tangent about him being a great dad. To spell it out - him being a good dad has nothing to do with him making an insensitive comment. People don’t get a pass on being a decent human just because they spend time with their own children.

It doesn’t need to be said. At all. And only an incredibly stupid man would think it was ok to say.

Lots for her to do, after major abdominal surgery - rather than her husband keeping his insensitive, thoughtless trap shut.

Indeed @Piglet89