AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I have no idea why he made the comment and no idea if it indicates objectification. Because l don’t know the man. I’m a random on the internet, and MN is a forum for discussion, but in this case much of the thread has been outright condemnation - of OP as well as her DH - based on personal opinion and projection and with scant regard for what OP has actually disclosed about him, and their marriage.

No. It didn’t slip out. It was intentional - although I didn’t capitalise it. And it’s by no means the first time it’s been used on various MN threads.

After reading your comment I can't understand the point of the post if you are not really wanting any advice and are not really worried about your relationship?

You said it because you read it on the internet. That's it. Got you. I'll leave you to guard dogging the thread.

@Teddybear23 et al,

‘After reading your comment I can't understand the point of the post if you are not really wanting any advice and are not really worried about your relationship?’

I think a lot of people think this. I am also quite solution oriented. But not everyone is. Some just want to talk around something, get sympathy/empathy and use that to help inform their own opinion.

You can’t psychoanalyse someone over a few posts, so I think the right thing to do is to believe what posters say about their own lives (within reason). So, if the OP says she has resolved it to her satisfaction and it happened within a happy supportive relationship, I would tend to believe her and not project views and insecurities on to her that, to me, just aren’t there.

Given everything that OP said about him and their marriage in her updates, it does make me wonder whether they’ve had the kind of marriage where both partners feel they can say anything to each other.

OP didn’t actually say he was mocking or hurtful, or making comparisons. Simply factual. ‘You’re not as tight as you used to be’. I’m not excusing it in any way, because it’s certainly not an insignificant comment to make and absolutely not at such a sensitive time as he chose to make it. Added to that, if OP’s marriage is as strong as she says, he is otherwise a good man and there is no pattern of this kind of behaviour, then she would attach much more significance simply because it’s so out of character.

In amongst all of the condemnation about what a terrible person he is deep down, and how objectifying this is, has anyone considered that it may just be that he, like most men, sometimes speaks with no filter. They’ve had four children together, perhaps this is the first time he’s felt any difference and felt comfortable enough to express what may have been surprise. If the situation is as OP says, then I can’t imagine why he would choose to be deliberately hurtful at such a sensitive time. Which is why I don’t necessarily think it was intended as such, or that he was objectifying. Unfortunately we’ll never know.

Nope. But that’s clearly your interpretation so I’ll leave you to that. Have a good day.

This. In a nutshell.

I don't think there is any way for that comment to be taken as anything other than negative. Women being insulted and degraded for having loose vaginas is ubiquitous in society, and it's obviously something that would make a woman feel bad.

Was he just making an observation without malice? Well, if so, it was an observation along the lines of saying: "your penis is smaller than it used to be" to a man who just had sex with you for the very first time after suffering a penile injury that's said to sometimes affect penile size. Or, "your breasts are less lush now" to a woman who has just revealed her chest to her husband for the first time after reconstructive surgery.

Saying "most men sometimes speak with no filter" is a weak, misogynistic excuse that's used to allow men to get away with being cruel and degrading, and undermine people (women) around them, without being hauled up on it.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

How an a grown adult make be so stupid and unthinking? Why would he say that is ok to say out loud??

Oh I see this was resolved before I saw it. Good to see OP was able to raise this with her husband and reach a positive outcome.

I still think it was a breathtakingly stupid thing to say and hopefully he realises that too!

Why do people like you treat men like they are children?

Why have such low standards for male adults?

I lot of people do come here to showcase their misogyny don’t they. “Man hating harpies” - goodness!

Because very often they behave like children ?

Agree thats why i wondered what her reaction would have been had they still just been at the dating stage.

Don't they just. Not a vast amount of critical thinking going on really.

Do they? In what ways?

Funnily enough I feel like you might be the man hater here, as you seem to assume that men are, by and large, too stupid to be expected to behave like ordinary, thoughtful human beings.

Perfectly capable of critical thinking thanks, I just don’t subscribe to the notion that the comment is automatically indicative of anything the man has been accused of here.

Look at the actual facts. OP says he stated ‘you’re not as tight as you used to be’. He didn’t mock her or make any comparisons or even make light of it. It was a factual statement. I’m absolutely not denying that on the face of it, it was an awful thing to say, and at such a sensitive time.

Let’s assume that OP is telling the truth and her marriage is a strong and happy one, that her DH is a good man and that there has been no previous indication that he would think of being deliberately hurtful in this way. OP has also indicated that they talk openly and comfortably to each other about everything, so given that environment, why would you, or anyone else for that matter, automatically jump to the conclusion that his intention was to hurt or denigrate his wife ? They’ve had four children together, so is it completely beyond the bounds of possibility that he was just expressing surprise if he hadn’t noticed anything before now ? Why the automatic assumption that it was said deliberately to wound the OP ?

We won’t get an answer now because I think OP is long gone. But I suspect that the reason she won’t share the outcome is exactly this. That he was comfortable voicing the thought as a fact and didn’t intend it to be hurtful or insulting. I’m not saying that that’s right - far from it, and hopefully OP has set him straight in whatever way works for them. But that explanation wouldn’t satisfy some posting here and would probably have sparked another character assassination of her DH, so she wisely kept it to herself.

OK then, so reasoned debate has completely left the building. I give up. No point in continuing as OP clearly isn’t coming back. I’m out.

What an incredibly bigoted and misandrist thing to say by somebody labelling other people “man haters”.

Do you think calling men children is “reasoned debate”?

Maybe it's his blood flow to the area that's lessoned with aging. That happens even though men do not want to admit it.

I would have said, are you sure your penis hasnt got smaller?

That's a really insensitive thing to say. You need to tell him you are upset

I’m quite petty so I would wait until next time and tell him his penis doesn’t feel as big as it used to, it has shrunk.