AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Why do you think he said it? Was he taking a long time to reach orgasm? Or is he just one of those mater of fact people who observes something and then comments?

I think I would approach it in a matter of fact way - why did you say that? Is it impacting you? Then share how it made you feel.

If I was angry I might say - perhaps it's not my tightness that is the problem, perhaps you aren't as big as you once were.

Clearly I am no expert.

Maybe when you give him feedback about what he said and how that has made you feel, if he struggles to empathise- use an example that he may be able to relate to, to understand how it has made you feel ?
e.g your gonads once pert and cute are now droopy and withered ??
or
your butt once firm and peachy is now wobbly and saggy ??
your chest is no longer as firm and manly and handsome ..
hope that gives you some ideas 😬

All your posts are very sensible OP. You have a really clear and measured plan to discuss it. I hope it is a good discussion and all indications are that it will be.

It’s just not clear what you were looking for by posting. Most of those who have responded in a way very critical to your husband are really just agreeing that you are justified in being upset by the comment, which I think is what you were kind of trying to sense-check? (Though I can’t imagine that any woman would ever suggest you should not be upset).

Good luck.

Of course, and if he's truly mortified, it makes sense to forgive him and move on. But then again, I've been married nearly twenty years, with two children, and my husband would never consider making a comment like that, because he's not a stupid prick. There are ways of bringing up these issues (if indeed they need to be brought up), and a flippant "you're not as tight" in the wake of your first bout of post-partum sex is not it.

What a truly awful comment. I would be so upset and can't see how I would ever feel comfortable during sex again. OP you sound like you have a good marriage and can approach things head on. I just can't see any point of the comment except cruelty. I'm interested to know what your DH tells you was the reason he said it.

@SillyPeachAnt You literally posted the title "Am I Being Unreasonable to feel hurt....". You are asking people to comment on the validity of your feelings. But you are getting defensive and saying that you are entitled to feel what you do. Of course you are. But people are also rightly confused as to why you then asked the question.

I've been trying to think of what this would be, and if you have ideas it would be useful to share them, as I think it would be helpful for the OP to frame to her DH how he might have gone about it, as part of a productive discussion.

The more I think about it, the more I think it was just a tricky thing to raise. the whole "I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings but ..." reminds me of girls at school who would say things like "I'm not being mean ... BUT [something categorically mean]"

I would hate to have this brought up over dinner or some time when I wasn't actually having to think about the state of my undercarriage.

So it's just a tricky conversation. I'm not saying he got it right: he clearly didn't.

I do agree that the advice is often very different on here for males vs females. I wouldn’t advocate ever commenting on someone’s weight though unless you have health concerns. I think it’s rude.

The issue here is there isn’t really anything she can do about it so why say it? After child birth many women suffer with low confidence. It’s not necessary and therefore still horrible, in my opinion.

Vaginas all across the UK drying up due to OP's dickhead of a husband. Jeez. The bar is in the dirt.

Ok OP so why post here if you don’t want to hear other opinions apart from your own?

Yeah, let’s make it worse, despite the fact that OP says he didn’t mean it in a cruel way.

Never said I didn’t want to hear other opinions. Personally don’t think I need to react a certain way for my feelings to be valid.

Those are two different things

Well I wouldn’t want to go near him again in truth, what a hideous comment.

If he "didn't mean to be cruel" he should understand that it very insensitive and said at the worst time.

Or it might just have been something he was thinking and it came out of his mouth before he’d thought it through.

Yes, I know what you mean.

I also find comments about weight tend to be made from "faux concern" and are just bashing.

But the difference here is there isn't really a way for the OP to know unless he says something; it isn't like she can jump on the scales and look in the mirror, and actually there ARE things you can do/ They are sometimes more successful than others, but you can work on the muscle tone.

Of course you're allowed to feel how you feel.

Its just surprising that you'd feel strongly enough to post here and keep interacting with posters, but not strongly enough to put you off sex with him. Of course that's up to you. But it is a little surprising.

Its also odd to complain that people are making assumptions based on what you've posted. Well of course they are, its literally all anyone else knows about the situation!

Unless he's got the sensitivity, tact and empathy of a brieze block, he will have known on some level that his comment would hurt you. Its no different to saying 'you're a bit chubby these days' - it might be technically true, but you don't have to say it. Nobody ever has been pleased or surprised to hear that sentence!

Edit to add: and his timing was awful. You've just made yourself incredibly vulnerable and allowed him to be as close to you as two people can be, for the very first time after birthing his child - and he chooses to say that?! Sex is supposed to bond you together as a couple, not be a time to have a poisonous dig. Maybe point to the baby and say 'because i pushed him/her out of it, you chump!!'

What's he going to be like as you age? 'Ooh, your fanny feels a bit dry, not like it used to! Tits getting saggy too, tut tut'

Well, for starters, he could've waited until nine months to a year had gone by post-partum, so her body had time to recover from giving birth and he knew it wasn't just because she hadn't fully healed yet.

If he'd waited a year, and she wasn't having issues with stress incontinence and the sex was still enjoyable, just slightly less tight, then I'd advise keeping his mouth shut and not expecting a woman who's had three children to feel like a twenty-year-old virgin.

If it was actually a real issue a year after giving birth, and he was having difficulty achieving orgasm because of a marked difference, then a conversation would need to be had. Preferably not directly in the wake of sex. I'd suggest opening it by asking her how sex feels for her, because if she's noticeably less tight then she will probably have felt the difference too – it gives her the opportunity to guide the conversation, if that's the case. I'd suggest approaching it from an 'it's important for your pelvic health' angle, and also 'I want sex to be as good as possible for both of us', and 'strong pelvic muscles make for better orgasms' angles, and make sure she knows he finds her sexy still, and enjoys all other aspects of sex, like performing oral on her, and receiving it.

But that's just off the top of my head. I'd also suggest he look up how to open that kind of conversation online, and see if there's any useful guidance on how not to be an insensitive prick about it.

Hmm. Your DH should be grateful he's not married to my friend, who (many years ago) had a tear while giving birth to her second child and had to be sewn up. The surgeon who sewed her up said to her (now ex-)husband, in earshot of my friend, "I've sewn her up nice and tight," and the two blokes had a snigger together. In fact she'd been sewn up so tight she was never able to have penetrative sex again - it was that painful. The marriage split up, not only due to that episode.

I addressed that – I said, perhaps he's just terminally stupid and says whatever potentially hurtful things he's thinking, about everyone around him. But I bet he doesn't.

If he did just let it slip out accidentally, however, I'd expect him to immediately realise how hurtful it was, be mortified, and apologise profusely for being such an idiot when she's only 5 months post-partum and still recovering.

For years womens vaginas being loose has been a joke, from the "like a clowns pocket" comments to "can you put an extra stitch in Doc", to the actual horror of women having a husband stitch put in without their knowledge.

So all those variations of "he was just being factual/sharing his opinion/it affects both of them" can get in the sea. Unless hes been living under a rock for his whole life he would have known the second he heard himself saying those words it was a really fucking shitty thing to say.

And no, Captain Obvious absolutely didnt need to share this important opinion because its no surprise a woman's vagina isnt the same after childbirth.

You sound wonderful, OP. I can see why he loves you. I hope the conversation goes well. In a relationship that's candid and open, hurtful things can sometimes be said by accident. Hopefully he can make you feel better about it.

'Get yourself a blow-up doll, then.'
'I think you'll find your hand is tighter: why not try that?'

That’s a vile comment.

It’s not about weaponising sex - I simply wouldn’t feel relaxed and happy having swx with him in light of that remark.

I suppose you're hurt by the comment because you feel criticised by it and he may not have meant it that way. We are all assuming that a tight vagina is 'better', maybe that's not something your DH rates particularly in your sex life. It is the kind of comment that most of us would feel offended by but maybe we should celebrate this evidence that our bodies have done something amazing? I hope your DH will be bothered that his careless observation has upset you and work hard to make himself more attractive.