AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Men do speak without engaging their brains. Perhaps it's not you but perhaps he has shrunk over time?!
He probably has no clue how hurtful his throwaway observation has been to you. He needs to be told, though, otherwise it will fester.

I am with you. People love to go up in arms and most would probably not do half of what they tell others to do! And if they do, they are probably single and miserable and that says a lot! Maybe have a quiet chat with your husband. He seems like a caring dad and husband, something that is quite rare to find these days and again most of these miserable mumsnetters probably have neither ;)

No.

OP does not need to abase herself just to address his poor behaviour.

She doesn't need to shout or insult, obviously, but there's no need to cringe like a dog.

The best thing to do is talk to him as soon as possible and explain as you have to us, that you felt it was out of character to say something so crass.
I think it is an awful part of our culture that men talk about women being tight. It feels like part of a woman’s unique selling point if he was selling her off. It feels antiquated.
And let’s face it, do men have the same dicks their whole lives? No. But most women don’t say, oh Brian, you had a lovely one once. Where’s it gone? It seems to be disappearing behind those pubes which are in competition with the ones growing in your ears. At least your bollocks are on show now as they’ve dropped a good foot, haven’t they?
Anyway Brian do you fancy a quickie before the Antiques Roadshow?

Sorry you're getting told how to feel OP. It seems some people want you to feel much more insecure in yourself than you clearly do and hence they can't understand why you may still want sex / feel confident having sex with someone you love but who you felt made a daft comment. I think some are finding your maturity in knowing you want to address it but not be petty a little befuddling but that says more about them than you.

I'll be honest that comment would have knocked my confidence to the point I'd be unable to have sex with him again, not to weaponise sex or punish him but it'd be all I'd be able to think about when with him. Be straight with him and tell him it was out of order and it hurt you, he'd not like it if you did similar to him and you've just had a baby come out of there of course it's not going to be exactly the same 4/5 months pp but doesn't make it alright for him to comment on.

He was thoughtless. Maybe also just honest. Tell DH that it made you feel low.

Obstetricians will comment on this at the six week check up and remind us how important it is to do the pelvic floor exercises.

I've heard that France funds physiotherapist appointments for women post partum to address the obvious need for strong pelvic floor recovery. Is that true?

OP I think you should mention to him to give him a chance to explain himself and apologise. From what you have said he is usually great and maybe his brain just farted.
I wouldn’t get too wound up by the comments on here as usually people are told to bin their husbands the moment they put a foot wrong 😂
You know him, your history and yourself. I think you just need to talk it out and move on together and he will learn from it.

You are being VERY defensive to posters offering you advice OP.

Some very kind men just dont understand how sensitive we can be especially if they are not very sensitive to remarks made about themselves. I would let him know he upset you.

Yes they do
France is way ahead
But of you have a decent GP they can refer you for pelvic floor physio if you request it

You're ignoring the fact that he didn't bring it up to open a dialogue. He just wanted to inform his wife that her vagina is looser now, for seemingly no reason, just as a casual observation.
Would you really think it was reasonable for a man to tell his wife her breasts were less attractive, after breast reconstruction surgery?

Additionally, it would be possible for him to ask if she's doing pelvic floor exercises without commenting on the state of her vagina, as after three children it's important for the health of her pelvic floor, entirely aside from sex. Although it's quite possible any difference in tightness isn't reversible, and so he's unnecessarily informed her of an unfixable problem (that clearly isn't ruining sex for him that much, considering he wanted it again the next day).

I can't imagine any decent man with a modicum of intelligence saying this innocently, without realising how needlessly hurtful it is.

@FrauPaige "I imagine that the emotional connection was what he was focused on."

By saying that her fanny wasn't tight enough? Doesn't sound like much of an "emotional connection" to me.

I don’t think so but alright.

I’m not here to argue, talk shit about my husband or be told how I should feel I was under the impression that I’m allowed to feel how I feel. I plan to talk to him about this like adults. I don’t need to insult him etc that doesn’t fix anything in my opinion. That is just my opinion I’m not saying that’s fact or how people should be I’m just saying I prefer to discuss things and then I can make a decision on how to move forward.

I’d rather just talk it out and see how he reacts. I have said I do not think it was a malicious comment nor do I think he wanted to hurt me. It was a disgusting comment that I am upset about but it’s been said now all I can do is discuss it with him.

I’ve said some awful things to people before in the past without really thinking and it’s good that they haven’t resented me for it or punished me instead they’ve usually just talked about it and they’ve made me aware of how I’ve made them feel.

I don’t want to have a marriage filled with resentment I’d rather talk to him about it and see his reaction or what he says before I jump to conclusions about how I will act.

It was a very thoughtless comment quite similar to one my DH made 30 plus years ago. Guess what, we are still together, very happily married and still have regular sex and he loves my body.
A very stupid comment when you are at your most vulnerable but probably didn't even think about what he actually said. That doesn't excuse it and I think you should tell him how it made you feel & if he's as lovely as you have said he will feel awful and you can get back to your lovely life.

what do you want from the thread?

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt after that comment.

You say you have a good marriage, so i assume what you are looking for here is reassurance and a way to address it with him?

So what you could say is something like "how would you feel if i said your dick felt smaller? because that is how i feel about what you said. So why did you feel the need to say it?"

Sorry but I can't get my head round why he would say it at all especially after the first post partum shag which I would assume he enjoyed. Something positive was called for not this! Of course it's not leaving him territory am commenting to agree it was an awful and hurtful thing to say and could induce paranoia in the most confident of people. Hope you can have a chat and maybe even a laugh about what a dreadful inappropriate thing it was to say when he realises and is suitably mortified.

I find it an odd statement to make out of the blue - did you say or ask him anything leading up to saying it? Since it has been quite a gap of not having sex, did you ask if it felt different? I certainly would not be having sex the next morning after the comment - not to weaponise sex - I just would not be in the mood at all.

I know, right?

Of course you should talk like adults, OP. There's nothing to be gained in insulting him, but I think most posters mention the 'how would you like it if I said your dick was too small for me now' route because it illustrates very clearly for him just how awful his comment was.

I hope he's appropriately mortified at his own insensitivity, and realises just how hurtful and harmful that comment was, but given he thought it was reasonable to make it in the first place and didn't immediately abjectly apologise, I don't have high hopes.

I'd also ask him what he was trying to achieve in saying that, as I wonder whether it wasn't a passive aggressive comment that's indicative of deeper issues, as a pp said.

I'd tell him 'no shit sherlock. I gave birth only a few months ago. I was sure id mentioned it!'

It takes a while for the muscles to all recover. In the meantime it's a shame he's been insensitive.

I’ll have to wait and see how he reacts when I mention it to him later on

And since you keep going on about how you would address things by talking to DH, well surely the time was immediately after he said it - did you not respond at all? Or before having sex the next morning...

Surely it’s just a factual comment? And surely your response should be equally factual. Every woman is loose after giving birth. I’m doing my pelvic floor exercises and will be as good as new soon.

He didn't say that it wasn't tight enough.