AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Are you doing your pelvic floor exercises religiously several times a day? I have 3 children too, if you don't do them it won't snap back by magic! You've waited a long time before having sex again, was there physically something wrong that meant you waited so long? It does go back but you need to be proactive, maybe he was careless to point it out if you are sensitive/don't want to know, personally I asked my husband if it felt different/rubbish, I wanted to know!

@SillyPeachAnt absolutely speak to him. His comment was massively disrespectful and insensitive.

Personally I'd start with likening giving birth to him having to shit out a football, and then when he is looking uncomfortable I'd then say that his comment about things not being as tight was really unkind and made you feel like shit. I'd then comment that perhaps his penis is no longer big enough.

Yes, i think that would have been my moment to raise it with him.

A father of three children should be worshipping the body that grew and birthed them. He should be telling the mother it's wonderful to connect physically with her again and how sexy she is. He should be bolstering her confidence about her changed body and reassuring her that she's still gorgeous and hot and desirable.

However, when you bring it up, I bet he'll mumble some apologies for upsetting you and then suggest that you do some exercises to tighten yourself up.

But he didn't need to make the comment at all. Like I said, it's not as though he wanted to open a constructive dialogue about how to ensure sex is still really pleasurable for them both. He just wanted to let her know that she's looser after having a baby less than 6 months ago. Why? What was he trying to achieve, aside from being hurtful?

As I said, it's like telling your wife who had breast reconstruction surgery 5 months ago that her breasts aren't as attractive as they used to be. It's really not defensible.

Some women just crave the suffering 🤷‍♀️

All these women are wrong, your husband is just a buffoon who accidentally said one of the worst things a man could possibly say to a woman who just gave him three kids.
Silly little man lacking brain and empathy, they can’t help themselves.

Carry on.

Yes, I think he was thinking about how it felt when you were having sex. Isn't that normal?

It was perhaps not the greatest thing to say the moment after you have got back on the saddle after childbirth, but if it wasn't intended to be an expression of disapproval or disappointment from him, then it may be worth letting it go without too many fireworks.

You know him and any expressed preferences over the last 15 years, and can therefore guage whether it was a negative comment or not. I imagine that the emotional connection was what he was focused on.

Good luck with your chat.

Time to talk it out.
Explain basic empathy to an adult.

Say that you need someone with a bigger dick now.

He's right. You won't be as tight as you used to be. You've had 3 children. The fact that he SAID THE WORDS makes me so so angry for you. What a fucking idiot. However he sounds like a generally good guy

Talk to him about it. Help him understand (the fact that he doesn't already understand blows my mind)

And do your kegels 3 times a day

Sending you love ❤️

The comments, I know my husband or at least I’ve known who he has been for the last 15 years of us being together he’s been pretty consistent. This is out of character for him and I will address it with it. I personally do not think he was being malicious I agree it’s a disgusting thing to say to the mother of your children but I’m not going to resent him over it once we’ve spoken about it. I suppose it’ll depend on how he reacts to me bringing up an issue but usually he’s quite responsive, takes accountability and doesn’t belittle or gaslight me. It might be a surprise but I quite like him and I like being married to him.

There’s assumptions on how he’ll react based on no evidence on who he is. I posted here because it’s something that has upset me I don’t post on here to necessarily talk shit about my husband. I’m not going to ‘punish’ him he’s not a child he’s a grown man. I’m not happy with the comment but I’d rather just speak to him about it like adults do.

I can understand why you’re pushing back against the more extreme suggestions of leaving him/kicking him out etc but I can’t see this comment in any other way than purposely hurtful. There was absolutely no need for him to say it and anyone with a brain would know how hurtful that would be to say to the woman you love and who very recently had another of your children. It would play on my mind that he felt the need to knock you down a peg (or a few!) in a vulnerable moment, honestly, as there’s, as I’ve already said, no reason to make that comment, no benefit to be had. I guess all you can do is have a really honest conversation with him, see what he has to say. I’d be so upset if my husband said anything like that to me.

Well, like I said at the beginning, I am kind of on the fence.

Knowing my personality, if I were a man I'd have said nothing, but I am also aware that addressing things is sometimes the better way.

And not, he didn't address much right then, but honestly the comment was more than enough! Had he immediately whipped out a chart of Kegel exercises and new positions, that would have been awful!

Speak to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. My DP is 100% the best and kindest person I know - and he makes me feel like the most beautiful, interesting and accomplished person he had ever met - but every so often he makes a tactless comment.

When this happens, I tell him how it makes me feel and why and he apologises.

Well, it's kind of irrelevant if I'm understanding your question right. It's for me more than him but if it benefits him too, it's a none issue in my eyes? I know him well enough that he's never trying to make me feel bad but it works for us both regardless of him trying to protect my feelings. Unless I've misunderstood what you've said (out walking the dog so might not be concentrating as good as I usually would be!)

I agree with all this op.

And I am sorry, it isn't always the best part of motherhood dealing with body changes, but do see my post above where I said he may not actually be as dismayed by it as you.

What led to the comment?
Did you ask him if it felt the same? Or did he just say it out of the blue? If the latter, that's extremely insensitive. If the former though, he was just being honest as you asked him?

I think this is the right approach OP

you get many posts baying for you to do all sorts, mainly for revenge or them projecting their own experiences. You’re clearly not going to do that and that’s good.

Say
’you know when we had sex the other evening and it was really lovely… well when you said I’m not as tight as I was it’s made me feel really bad. I’ve been worrying about it. I hope it’s not going to spoil things for us?

hopefully he will respond by reassuring you and can open up a conversation.

I am genuinely not sure if this comment is a joke, because if you can’t understand the irony here, that’s quite funny. Your first comment was ‘you will soon have the hysterical mob out with the pitch forks telling you to ltb and criticise his penis.’ Which is a flat out attempt to attack and silence anyone who has a different opinion (higher standards) to you.

Some of the comments on here are wild. YANBU to be upset - I still don’t like my PP body 4 years on from youngest. If as you say, he is normally great husband and father etc I’d be able to forgive as a completely stupid, brainless comment of fact, especially if there had been alcohol involved. I’ve said some stupid things after drinking. And, as others have said if he’s still keen this morning, he’s obviously not bothered by the difference.

I remember feeling a bit self conscious first time we had sex PP and actually asked DH if it felt different. Which he answered honestly “yes” but followed with “it’s still great”. I imagine it probably felt different for you too.

I’d just bring up tonight when you’re alone and say when you said x I felt y and go from there.

He may be a great dad,even a great all round human but he's a bit of an idiot. I would tell him how the comment made you feel.

What the hell ,any idiot would know such a comment would upset a woman,never mind one who had recently given birth
Tell him when he has passed a watermelon through his penis, he might understand what your vagina has been through.
I've had 4 DC ,last one was 11 lbs ..my husband has said nothing, except compliments..but if he had made a comment,he'd never get near me again.
Literally 4 months ago you had a baby .. everything is still healing,you were pregnant 9 months,it takes months to get back to normal,or new normal.
I don't think your husband is that great to be honest

OP I think a lot of posters here are feeling indignant on your behalf, and most of them are not wrong. It is an incredibly crass comment to make and he need to know that it is not an appropriate thing to say. His response will be interesting; it will be one of those moments where you completely reevaluate where someone sits in your life.

That’s impressively grim. Who says stuff like that?! Maybe he has got a bit of the death grip. I had twins, my body is nearly back to normal and l got zero stretch marks. My husband has piled his weight on in contest. Difference is l haven’t said anything about it and l have been supportive