AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

😂😂

Or. OP got more than she bargained for when the LTB/never have sex with him again brigade arrived, and realised that most of their advice would be marriage ending, which is not why she posted. And having fielded the insults, decided not to poke the beast by sharing the outcome.

Tbf, I can't imagine a good man, in the wake of the very first post-partum sex, saying "your vagina isn't as tight" to his wife.

It's not the sort of thing that just slips out by accident – if anything, a good man would be looking to go out of his way to reassure his wife that she feels fantastic, because he would know that could be a concern for her.

What OP's husband has done is like (as I've said) 'accidentally' letting slip to your wife that her breasts aren't as appealing now, the very first time she shows you them after reconstructive surgery.

It's literally the worst possible thing a man could say, and I agree with a pp that it seems like a wind-up.

I would be initially hurt by this but actually, he didn't say "I don't enjoy sex with you any more" or "you are too loose for me to feel anything". He just said you aren't as tight, which you knew anyway, since you have pushed out several children. This doesn't mean he no longer desires you or that he no longer enjoys PIV. It's all the women on this thread projecting that tightness is what is necessary for women to have.

My DH is perfectly up for shagging my post menopause non-self lubricating vagina whenever he can, and I am sure it's not the same as when I was 23. But he loves ME and the tightness of my fanny may be just a distant happy memory, but then he doesn't get as hard as he used to. Things change. Acknowledging that isn't automatically toxic. Love and lasting relationships are about a lot more than pert boobs and a tight pussy, as any real man knows.

I haven’t said it wasn’t a hurtful thing to say it’s the reason why I posted because I was hurt. I haven’t even said that it didn’t bother me I’m not sure where that’s coming from ? Why can’t making amends be about me addressing how the comment made me feel. How else can he make amends? We’ve had a discussion about it he knows how I feel about the comment and discussed how to go forward. Just because we’ve had the discussion doesn’t mean I am saying it’s all okay. Surely a conversation is a start to making amends. Any other ideas I’d appreciate. I’m not against taking any advice I’m not really sure what you’d like for me to say in terms of making amends. Speaking about it surely is a way to make amends and discussing it. If there’s other ways I’m willing to take those into account

No one said that though (well, maybe one or two people).

Most simply said that they would feel too self-conscious and awful to have sex for the foreseeable future now that they know he thinks her vagina is noticeably looser, or suggested she point out to him how horrible it would feel if she said something similar to him.

I think most people were expecting OP to want him to be remorseful and deeply apologetic, and to grasp just what a stupid, damaging comment he'd made, not wanting her to leave him. But she acted as though it would be unreasonable for him to feel bad about what he'd said, prioritising his feelings over her own, which is a little odd and sad.

That's a lot of words to say absolutely nothing. I hope you were a little clearer when you spoke to your definitely real husband.

Good luck, OP.

I guess DH never apologised- otherwise Op would mention it. After all she was hurt, came here to explain it was hurtful what he said, so naturally, it is what HE said during the subsequent convo that’s relevant.

However OP’s justification for not sharing that, is wrongly discussed on Op dealing with his explanation. No, we are interested in what he said. And only reason for not sharing that, is if he was flippant with ‘oh didn’t mean anything etc etc’

second: I guess DH suggested op does pelvic floor exercises and sort the loose part.

it is unbelievable a good husband would say without wanting the message to bepassed on for op todo something about it.

"Any other ideas I’d appreciate"

🎣

You do not have to interact or even view my twaddle

Wow. What a twat. I wouldn’t be able to go near him for a long time after that comment and that isn’t weaponising sex! It’s being put off having sex because he’s an arsehole. Oh but he’s a good father so it’s OK! Honestly if I had a pound…

Agree!

I was very clear with how the comment made me feel. I think people want a very specific reaction I’ve said we’ve discussed it I’ve asked for other ideas no one wants to give any actual concrete idea not saying you in particular but most just want to insult not really sure why if they’re trying to help kind of defeats the purpose at least in my view and how I am interpreting the responses same way anyone can interpret mine however they see fit

I’d agree with you if it wasn’t for the fact that every time an OP posts about something their DH has said, no matter what, it’s always literally the worst thing he could ever have said.

The comment was vile. OP knows that. And I’m sorry but some of the comments directed at OP were just as vile in their own way. And OP clearly considered any conversation between herself and her DH as a one and done, because the comment was a one off, not a pattern of behaviour. I also think if you’ve come through the unimaginable pain of watching cancer take your child, then you’ve faced the worst that life can throw at you. Which is probably why OP’s overall attitude seems more laid back than posters here would like. Her marriage survived the loss of a child to a brutal disease. Why would she blow it apart over one ill thought through comment ?

Who’s to say none of that happened in the conversation. Maybe I recall the conversation differently to how others seem to recall it

@Fullydisgruntled
but in that case, there are so many kinder ways of saying it. Something that acknowledges it but strives to make the op still feel wonderful perhaps. Men should be celebrating women for giving birth to their children, not castigating them with the implication that they now get less pleasure from sex. A bloke once said to me - just in conversation - that he preferred it when women were less tight, as it lasted longer. If I ever say that I’m upset my boobs are saggy, my teenage dd is always straight in with ‘don’t you dare mum, that’s because you breast fed me with them and I’m forever grateful for that, celebrate them’

I think if I didn’t want to go near him then I’d need to end my marriage surely you can’t really live under the same roof if that’s how you deal with upset?

I’ve stopped bothering reading the ops posts. Just repeated word salad about nothing. But the subject is interesting.

A very sensible and sane post!

‘Any other ideas I’d appreciate’

What ideas are you hoping for when you refuse to say how he reacted and what he said?!
You've already spoken to him. He’s responded in some way. End of. If you want opinions on how to move forward after what he said, you need to tell people!
This thread is getting ridiculous now and I’m leaning towards it being a complete load of made up bollocks too. Yawn 🥱

Other ideas: an apology from him. With respect, there was nothing to discuss in the first place.

what he said was hurtful. It should not have been said- so he needs to justify why he said it, It hurt you. You told him it hurt you- again ask him why it did not occur to him it would hurt you. Then obv receive ab apology.

anything else- wishful thinking.

anyway, do whatever you need to channel your anger/ hurt. Even if it here. God knows you must feel awful. Good luck!

I agree it was an awful comment and made me quite upset with him but I also like my marriage and know that’s it’s not a pattern of behaviour.

If we can survive losing our child I think our marriage is strong enough to survive this. There’s no evidence as of yet or in the last 15 years that this is a pattern of behaviour so why not just discuss and see how we can be made to move forward. That doesn’t mean I’m not upset or that I’m excusing the behaviour or that it’s all fine.

You're acting as though her being upset with her husband over his vile comment would blow their marriage apart, which is really weird. I'd suggest that he's not a very good man if her being vocally upset – even quite pissed off – about that hurtful comment would lead to their marriage being blown apart! It should lead to abject apologies, and forgiveness, and life moving on, with him being more mindful of her feelings in the future.

You don’t have to interact with the thread it’s not something forced upon you I’m sorry if that’s the impression you got based on my responses

I’m genuinely confused why everyone is so bothered by me just wanting to address how I felt about the comment with him and having a discussion on how I feel about it and how it made me feel. I really didn’t mean for it to cause this on here