AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

They want to know he didn't just get away with it.

I'm genuinely confused why you bothered posting in the first place, why did you?

It is an interesting topic! I think it highlights the way women are expected to be passive sexual objects that men (the active subjects) act upon – where all the fault lies with the objects for not fulfilling their purpose in satisfying the subjects. There never seems to be any thought, by the sorts of men who mention looseness, as to whether the difference in tightness impacts the women's experience negatively, either – it's always framed as a flaw in the woman that could bother the man.

It's rather like how fertility issues in the past were generally blamed on women, never men.

Im keeping with op's other posts the reply to this will be along the lines of it doesnt matter what the discussion was or his response, but any advice on how to move on from the discussion and his response would be appreciated.

And something about 15 years together.

I’ve said that though multiple times ? There’s the assumption he has ‘got away with it’ I didn’t really feel the need to record the conversation

That was funny exactly that

I’m actually not thinking like that at all. Far from it. I agree with OP’s reasoning and measured response, and if, as OP says, her DH is a good man, l certainly don’t think she’s going to blow up her marriage by telling him how upset she is, how hurtful the comment was, or probing around why he felt he needed to say it. And OP clearly considers that conversation as a one and done response to one comment, not a pattern of behaviour - so not something she needs to go on and on about, as some posters are suggesting.

They clearly have a good, strong marriage which has already survived a tragedy, which may explain why OP seemingly has a more tolerant and thoughtful approach than most other posters would have. My comments were prompted by how many posters clearly thought the comment worthy of never having sex with him again, which, in effect, is blowing up the marriage.

Mine told me I “had a lucky boyfriend” 😂😬

I'm confused also. There is so much toxicity on here. Some of these posters would have you blow up your marriage and wreak havoc on your lives and the mental health of your children for one thoughtless, stupid comment that you have worked through....
You sound like a very intelligent and sensible woman who, I'm sure, would not have desired sex with your husband the next morning if you had not resolved his previous thoughtless and hurtful words.

Sweetie, don’t let them get under your skin. The people who are pulling you apart for not ending your marriage are like this on every thread. They just move onto the next thread with their Nescafé Gold Blend afterwards and pull that posters marriage apart too because they struggle so much being single and don’t want other people to have healthy relationships where people communicate. One day hopefully someone will think of BitterSpinstersNet and the equilibrium will return x

Because I was upset. What are the prerequisites of posting I don’t think I’ve broken a rules in terms of posting or how I post or respond to responses. I don’t even think I’ve said anything untoward to anyone even when they’ve been untoward to me under the guise of solidarity

Most people were saying they would feel too self-conscious and inadequate to want to have sex after such a comment. So not withholding sex from him to punish him, but just not feeling comfortable or desiring sex, knowing what he thinks.

There's a very big difference. Who wants to have sex with someone who just casually told them that their vagina doesn't feel as good anymore?

There’s so much toxicity from people who are saying they’re trying to help me and they’re upset on my behalf but on the other hand want to insult me but then say they’re helping. I don’t think insulting someone when they’re upset about how they’re handling their upset helps but that is just ma maybe it works for some.

Anything I say in regards to how I feel or how I’ve chosen to just speak to my husband is wrong I’m unsure what you’d like me to say. I’ve accepted the criticisms in regards to not mentioning it there and then I wish I did that but I didn’t I’ve accepted various other criticisms but some can’t just accept that sometimes you can just speak to someone about how they made you feel I’m not excusing his behaviour it’s partly why I posted the comment made me upset. I’ve just chosen to handle it by speaking to him about that doesn’t mean he’s “getting away” with it, it just means I chose to address it by speaking to him about how it made me feel.

I don’t know best at all. How could I? It was a theory I presented; I’d never been so arrogant as to assume that it was correct.
I think it’s because I would struggle to sleep with someone who had insulted me in the way your husband did. It’s not like you’ve “let yourself go”. Your body has changed due to giving birth to his 3 children and I suppose I feel like you should care more about what he said to you.

But we are all different and just because I (an Internet stranger) think you should care more about being insulted, doesn’t mean you should.
It’s advice I’d give any friend. You deserve someone who thinks you’re amazing and is in awe of the fact that you’ve given birth to 3 children for him, not someone who mentions that you’re no longer “tight” and then still expects you to “put out”

I don't think anyone is saying that you should not have spoken to him about how his comment made you feel.

Quite the opposite. There is probably some curiosity about why it took you so much thought and consideration, and time, via more sex, in order to broach it with him in a way that he would deem acceptable.

You've been told by various people that you have a strong marriage, that you are fine, your communication is great. If that's the way you feel, and you're not some kind of AI confection, then take that and run with it.

You've got what you wanted, the situation is dealt with, I'm not sure what you're now looking for?

And like how a ‘queff’ (spelling?) is something the woman is embarrassed by rather than the man who forced the air in.

Absolutely this!

OP, you need to stop engaging with this and move on with your life. If you keep trying to defend your position there’s a whole load of posters who will just keep fighting back to force their views on you. Just close the thread and don’t look back 😂

@SillyPeachAnt ,

I totally support you here, and you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t even think you were wrong to delay talking to him. Everyone is different and only you and your husband know your relationship dynamic.

But…..if you do genuinely want further advice, you do need to at least give a flavour of your conversation with him, because, obviously, that would totally change the advice.

You don’t need to give personal details but ‘mortified and extremely apologetic’ vs ‘tried to brush it off as meaningless’ would engender very different advice.

Otherwise, I suggest you take the advice you like to heart, ignore the rest, and leave the thread.

Good theory.

I don’t disagree with you at all I don’t really disagree with many of the responses people think I do when I’ve said nothing to say I disagree.

I do care about being insulted I’m not sure how best to show that but I’ve said it plenty of times.

I’ve never felt as though I have to put out I simply enjoy sex with him it’s also my choice I’ve never said that I don’t have a choice that’s just an assumption.

I do appreciate the response and do take advice that’s given to me I’m not here to argue with anyone I just posted to vent that’s all and things seem to have taken a turn. Many people seem very upset and angered by my response enough to even message and I am not really sure what I did to garner that response but I have apologised and just said I have my own feelings I don’t have to feel a certain way about anything everyone is different just because I haven’t shown in the way that’s deemed acceptable doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way about the comment.

Ahaha I quite like how they’re fighting back at me just choosing to just discuss a comment that’s disgusting and made me upset . I was under the impression it’s okay to just discuss and address things with people that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m excusing behaviours.

@RuinartRuination ,

‘You deserve someone who thinks you’re amazing and is in awe of the fact that you’ve given birth to 3 children for him’

This is a very particular MN comment and makes zero actual sense.

Why should he be in awe of OP for doing something mammals have successfully evolved to do. It is totally natural and normal. And she hasn’t given birth to the children ‘for him’. I assume that she was quite keen to have them and has an at least equal interest in them.

As I said, it is a very particular MN comment combining a poor interpretation of feminism with internalised misogyny, as if the guy somehow owns the children after they are born.

This has to be a wind-up, given 90% of commenters have told you to talk openly to your husband about how he made you feel.

Because each and every female mammal who does so each and every time IS amazing. Just because we all do it, doesn’t make it less worth celebrating.

You have done nothing wrong OP.

My feeling is this shouldn't have been posted in AIBU but that isn't because you can't, but only because I feel the answers you get here are more focused on robust debate and less mindful of the person behind the thread reaching out.

I said above, and will say again, given the sensitive information covered in this thread - your marriage, your body, your heart-breaking loss, and the manner in which those things have been commented on - I would ask MN to have this thread taken down.