AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Yes, I am sure at some point in their lives, most women have expressed disappointment and/or neglected to pursue a potential relationship with a partner over the size of their penis. The assertion that this is not something that happens is simply absurd.

Agree, she’s so passive. Not sure why she bothered posting.

Without going back and reading your posts, as I have to go out in a few hours, Im pretty sure you've given the impression youre very confident in how you address things and deal with issues, and confident thats the right way for your relationship.

So again that just doesnt fit with the coyness and "oh but everyone will get upset with me, everything i do is wrong"

Threads that follow this format tend to go on and on, circular Excel formula style, and get posters very riled.

Oh I agree with the tip-toeing. It was the "number one thing most women look for" that I was unsure about, thinking perhaps you trying to be ironic in making a point that we don't judge on such superficial standards.

Either bot account or reverse. Waste of time now lol it’s just the same replies reworded. Definitely off and bored now. Wasted time wanting to be helpful but why help a non existent person 🤣🤣🤣

Fair enough I haven’t forced you to waste your time as I’ve said the thread has derailed quite a bit

I have assumed that the husband didn’t respond particularly well and possibly someone on this thread got it spot on (in a negative way). Eg blamed the op for being too sensitive.

Nah it’s not that everyone will get upset it’s that there’s no nuance everything must be binary. I’ve said I’ve addressed the comment, we’ve talked about it, we’ve laughed even and I can now not be upset about it doesn’t mean I won’t think about the comment a few more times and maybe feel upset with him. It’s also the first time he’s made such a comment I’m willing to just discuss it with him and explain how I feel. If it was reoccurring then that’s a different issue that requires a different approach and I wouldn’t stay with someone who would keep doing that to me after I’ve told them how I feel about it the first time.

Fair enough that’s your assumption

A few things can be true. He can be an otherwise good husband and father. But this comment is too significant to treat as thoughtless and worthy of only one conversation, IMO. It does go to how he views you & your intimacy together. I suggest it needs further discussion and response from him (no mention of insults or bag packing!)

OP has already said they have discussed it and moved on. So what you’re basically suggesting here is that instead of discussing it like two sensible adults and agreeing how to move on from it, OP should over think this to death, attach more importance to it than she thinks appropriate and then harp on and on about it until it becomes a source of anger and resentment, ultimately blowing up their marriage.

And no, OP isn’t inventing a narrative that doesn’t exist. There have been some very supportive and sensible pieces of advice, but interspersed with that she’s been fielding vile name calling of her DH, suggestions that she’s not very bright or emotionally intelligent and of course the evergreen ‘trad wife’ suggesting she can’t think for herself. And many of the comments actually do support the LTB/pack his bags narrative.

OP clearly has a good marriage to a good man. She acknowledged that the comment was awful, posted here for advice as to how to handle it, and quickly realised that for the most part on MN, just having a dick means you’re automatically wrong. So she did the sensible thing, ignored the outpouring of bile and did it her own way. And now, sensibly, she doesn’t want to share the details of that conversation because she doesn’t want to poke the beast. So at that point it should have been the end of the thread, but alas, that won’t be the case and the next eighteen pages or so will be filled with how mean the OP is for not sharing.

This is because France is still a sexist, misogynistic and patriarchal society, which views the wife’s primary role still (even after children and all the demands that places on her time and emotional bandwidth) as object to give pleasure to her husband.

@Calliopespa ,

I don’t get the tiptoeing bit! Why would you tell a man he has a small penis? Firstly, I am sure it wouldn’t come as a surprise and, secondly, what could he do about it?!

Also, despite the many threads on here saying how important size is, that isn’t the impression I have ever got during my fairly long life talking to friends etc.

Also, the variation in size is surprisingly small according to proper academic research, as opposed to chatter:

68% Normal Range: Roughly 68% of individuals fall within one standard deviation of the erect length mean, spanning from 4.51 inches to 5.82 inches.

95% Normal Range: Roughly 95% of individuals fall within two standard deviations of the erect length mean, spanning from 3.86 inches to 6.47 inches.

i believe it varies by race a bit with the averages being about 1cm lower for Asians and 1cm higher for blacks.

This is, of course, a massive derail, so apologies OP, but I think OP has pretty much got what she wants from the thread now and it’s all a bit fractious and unpleasant now.

I think people are frustrated OP not to hear that DH categorically accepted he was in the wrong in the way he handled this, and that he accepted that to say that sort of thing about your body with no further conversation was objectifying you.

I think the problem on this thread is that, necessarily, we have no broader context. Obviously, stated on its own, that isn't a nice way to treat a woman. You will therefore get many women who have been in abusive relationships, or relationships where they felt very devalued who are naturally going to feel you need to get out.

However, relationships are long and nuanced and only you know how this really sits against a background of three children and coming through the loss of a child together. We can all be clumsy from time to time, and relationships will have points where an apology is needed and a clear recognition that we got it wrong.

I happen to agree with you that that kind of conversation doesn't need to happen with retaliatory criticism or unbridled wrath or punishment or walking away, but it does need to happen in the style that is right for you and DH, and I think people are just wanting to make sure it has.

Saying it's off the menu doesn't necessarily mean it's being weaponised. If a woman doesn't feel ready to have sex for a while after a comment like that, I think that is more than understandable. It might take a while to have the confidence and that doesn't mean she is doing anything wrong if that is the case. I can see that the OP has already got back on the horse, but there is nothing wrong with it taking a while to feel comfortable again.

Yes, this is what I’m thinking too.
If that’s the case OP, good luck!

Exactly this. I am unsure why people want me to build up anger and resentment when it’s not necessary. I’ve said multiple times if it was a patter of behaviour then that’s a different story but this is the first in the 9 years we’ve been married.

I didn’t come here for people to say I am correct etc but I also didn’t come here for people to insult me on such a personal level and get so angry at what I want to share and don’t want to share when the reasons for me not sharing are pretty obvious and I have also explicitly explained a few times.

Regardless of what I say it’ll be the wrong approach I genuinely do not know what the other approach would be other than just speaking to him about the comment and letting him know it upset me and talking about it. I’ve accepted where I went wrong but in those moments I wasn’t thinking about the comment that’s just that it’s happened now. There’s no new advice just people telling me I like intelligence in many different explicit and implicit ways and calling me a bot because I haven’t reacted in the universal way everyone should react apparently.

So what you’re saying is that French women can’t think for themselves and actually want to engage with that aspect of healthcare to enhance their own sexual enjoyment. It’s all about the man ?

Ok well just as long as youre aware, im certain you are though, that people will continue to comment on why youre not giving a bit of this nuanced info, especially as you asked for suggestions from people many, many times.

And im sure youll keep replying and the thread will continue. Which is good for you as youre clearly getting something out of it ☺️

I am agreeing with you.

You wouldn't tell them, and, no, it isn't particularly important in the broader scheme of things.

I was just querying whether that poster was indeed being ironic in saying it was.

And yes, that was a derail!😬

Thank you I’ll need all the luck I can get

Umm, the primary purpose of the pelvic floor therapy in France, as it says on the sits, is to prevent incontinence and organ prolapse, both of which are important to most women.

A secondary purpose is satisfying sex, but I think that is for the woman as much as the man.

i don’t find France any more misogynistic than the UK. Maybe in some of the rural regions, but certainly not in Paris.

Agree. It's very strange.

Most people have simply pointed out that's a very hurtful thing to say and he really needs to apologise and make amends, and so her insistence that he's lovely, and it didn't really bother her, and she wants to talk about it maturely, and then that he reacted well – although how, she won't say, all seem a little...off, somehow.

Oh my god! You keep going on and on and on and on saying the exact same thing in every post. Word salad is spot on, why are you bothering to post the same thing every single time?!

This has got to be a wind up post surely! If you're so happy with how productive and affirming your conversation was with your husband about him calling your vaginas loose, then share the conversation. Let others learn from you and your husband in case they have been in the same situation. Give us some insight into what exactly he was thinking when he said it.

Otherwise stop posting the same twaddle over and over again!!

Agree with this. And l do think some posters are genuinely concerned for OP, but l also think many are angry that OP is refusing to share, and that they’ve been robbed of their expected ‘denouement’. I’d bet the farm that the thread will hit forty pages even without further input from OP.

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