AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

@SillyPeachAnt I probably would have said, well 3 kids came out of there. It sounds to me as if it was a throwaway comment from him that was obviously hurtful. I think you dealt with it perfectly.
Too much hysterics (yes, I know) from posters on here for what is a tiny comment. Far worse has been posted about and women have excused the behaviour. Not much consistency.

Well, clearly you don't, given you prioritise his feelings so highly over your own, while he doesn't do the same for you.

It's a shame you didn't feel capable of openly expressing your hurt in a spontaneous, honest way, and felt as though you had to strategise and plan what to say carefully, to avoid making him react defensively.

It should be okay, when someone casually says something so gobsmackingly hurtful - especially when it can't be taken back - to say on the spot, "wow, what the fuck? Why did you think that would be a good idea to say? Are you trying to make me feel bad about my body?"

A decent man would respond to that knee-jerk reaction with a horrified apology and want to reassure you and make amends, not get defensive over tone and phrasing and turn it into an argument. Sure, it doesn't have to be a big deal...but that should hinge on your husband's sense of accountability and him realising what a shitty comment that was, not you having to pussy-foot around and phrase things just right.

As a pp said, it might be a good idea to think about who is doing all the emotional labour in regards to keeping the peace in the relationship.

Thank you.

I’ve received many messages from people. I didn’t know much about MN I’ve only been here a few times for specific things never anything to do with my marriage I’ve always been very happy with my marriage.

I am unsure why my response was so wrong and why there’s a right way to respond. The thread has derailed that was never my intention I posted to more or less vent as mentioned earlier in the thread before it became what it is now that I planned to speak to my husband about it which I have. The comment did upset. Lots are thinking that I think the comment was fine, if it was fine I wouldn’t have posted on here. I totally understand that side of things what I’m not understanding is why there’s such a strong response against me just speaking to my husband about how the comment made me feel and having a discussion about it.

Did I ever say he’s react defensively ? I haven’t even mentioned how I thought he’d react. All I mentioned was how I was feeling about it as that was my reason to post that’s all.

I didn’t mention how the comment made me feel when it first happened. I should have but I did not I don’t need to be penalised for it I’ve since spoken to him and addressed how the comment made me feel.

You don’t even know how I addressed it. You’re so focused on thinking I can’t address something that has upset me for some reason just because I haven’t reacted in the way that was expected. I wasn’t in the meeting when it was discussed how to address situations so I’m not clued up on the universal ways. I don’t believe everything is binary. Like I said I don’t think there’s a right way I also didn’t have a plan I just didn’t want to address it in front of our children I think that’s fair maybe I’m parenting wrong there as well. I’ll have a think about who’s doing the emotional labour between me and my young children.

I will have a think about it in regards to my marriage too. I think we do the same but I guess you know me and my marriage better than I do.

Yeah I’ve had a look and there isn’t much consistent. I’ve said that I’d rather speak to him about it which is what I prefer to do and what I’ve done. I think people want a reaction that I simply do not have I can’t force a reaction. I respect every single person and how they choose to react I just believe everyone’s different and that’s okay.

@SillyPeachAnt ,

Lots of people have given you advice, but here is my ha’penny worth!

You don’t need to read and respond to every post on here. Listen to the advice you find helpful and ignore the advice that you don’t. You seem to be in a good marriage and to know your own mind, and that’s a great place to be.

Lots of people on here seem quite vindictive, especially against men, and I am sure that reflects their lived experience. But, they also assume that anyone who listens to a man (even on an equal basis) is some kind of a Stepford/surrendered wife, and they turn their ire on the woman. A good relationship is between equals and does include forgiveness.

I, like many I suspect, am curious as to how your husband explained why he said what he said. But, I gather that you don’t want to say, and that’s fine.

This site is great for anonymous advice, as long as you are able to ignore those who try to judge/control. Otherwise, it can be quite upsetting.

This thread does highlight a difference in how men and women are treated.

Man with small cock - women will tip toe around never mentioning it, doing everything she can to make the man feel better about himself. Man won’t consider surgery etc or put any thought in to what could make his partner more satisfied in bed.

woman looser than she was after giving birth to his children - panic and blaming themselves, feeling worthless, researching Kegel exercises, doing kegel exercises, man has no problem raising it as a way to make a woman feel rubbish and a conversation is tip toed around raising it only at a time that suits him.

anyone on this thread who has commented that maybe the solution is that he goes and gets surgery to increase his girth has been laughed at/dismissed as absurd etc

why? Why shouldn’t that be the answer?

I’m not surprised people are angry on my behalf I was angry too but I think people expect me to hold the anger. What is the point of holding the anger when I can just speak to him and decide how I feel after the conversation.

I am not angry at posters that’s not what I am trying to portray at all. So I apologise if thats how it comes out but I’ve said that words through text aren’t my strong suit I’m much better at speaking.

I didn’t come here to argue with people nor did I come here to insult my husband that won’t make me feel better that’s just me I’m not saying my way is the right way. I’m actually saying that there’s different ways to deal with different situations.

I have explained why I have been vague in regards to the conversation. People have understood it’s one’s that want a reaction that I just don’t have I can’t just conjure up a reaction that will be accepted. My feelings are my feelings I can’t make myself react or feel a specific way or the way that is expected. I feel as though those are arbitrary expectations not really taking note on the differences between people and how we all choose to react differently based on the context we are living in. I respect every reaction it’s a disgusting comment that really did upset me.

There was a reason that you didn't mention it at the time, or even later that night, or the next morning prior to having sex again - all times your kids weren't present.

Also, there was a reason that you instead came onto Mumsnet, and not only asked if you were being unreasonable to be hurt in the first place, but then dithered over how to bring the comment up with him in a way that wouldn't make him feel attacked or bothered at all.

You've put so much time and thought into trying to make sure you don't do anything to upset him or make him feel bad in the slightest... and meanwhile, post-sex he's just casually made the most obvious, hurtful vagina insult that it's possible to make, without a care for your feelings.

And given you're still engaging with the thread with vague comments, but weirdly refusing to say how he responded when you spoke to him, it seems like this is either a reverse or a trad wife thing, or like he behaved with the same thought and care he showed to you when he called your vagina looser 😬

Op its probably because the things just dont fit.

It wasnt a heat of the moment, daft buffoon blunder, or an observation he just didnt think about. It was a deliberate and thought about comment and he said that knowing all the background and history of those types of comments.

In your many, very long posts you make your DH and your relationship sound like pure goals. So it is bizarre that comment would be made, that this wonderful man would even think to say it. And is a bit strange you've revealed so much yet you're refusing to share the discussion you had (which is obvs your right, but again, the "fit" of that is a bit off)

But, it's an interesting thread for sure.

Very true! If a woman has a healthy pelvic floor (or as healthy as it can be, after birthing multiple children) and the man's penis is now inadequate, it makes sense for the onus to be on him to make sure they're both sexually satisfied - after all, the woman has done enough of the work bearing their children! It's his turn, now.

I posted on mumsnet because I was upset sometimes people just post and I understand I posted on the wrong thread.

I am now unsure what you’d like me to do. I’ll take your advice in terms of assessing my marriage but I’m quite happy with it and I’m happy with how the conversation went. I wish I mentioned it went it first happened but I didn’t I can’t go back in time there’s so many things I could have done better but ultimately we’ve spoken about it and I’ve chosen to accept how I’ve addressed the situation because it’s the way I like to address things just by speaking.

@OtterlyAstounding
you make such good points about the emotional labour the op (and women generally) carry, absorbing everything themselves to make sure the men are protected.

I never said it’s pure goals I just said I like being married to him, I like him and I like the life that we have.

I have explained why I dont want to share the discussion everything I have said seems to not be the right thing and there’s a right way to approach it and I have clearly not approached things the correct way.

I agree with all your point I’m not disagreeing I’ll take all the advice given. I just don’t believe I have to react a certain on an anonymous website for my feelings to be valid.

@arethereanyleftatall ,

‘Man with small cock - women will tip toe around never mentioning it, doing everything she can to make the man feel better about himself. Man won’t consider surgery etc or put any thought in to what could make his partner more satisfied in bed.’

That’s not a good analogy, really. Men’s cock sizes don’t really change over their marriage and, if cock size matters to you, you shouldn’t have married a small cock man in the first place.

A better analogy is a guy not getting as hard, not sustaining it for as long as he gets older, which does happen.

There are loads of threads on here about that and how the guy needs to sort it or the woman needs to end the relationship/open the marriage.

Personally, I think that what happens happens and, if it is in other ways a strong marriage, couples can find satisfactory work rounds/compromises with the sex part

Yes I know you didnt say it was pure goals.

What are you talking about, women reject men for having small cocks all the time! In fact, having a big cock is probably the number one thing most women look for in a man!

Is that a joke?

And are you a man?

I think that telling him how it made you feel and not immediately reacting was absolutely fine but I do find it odd that you’re being so guarded with roughly how the conversation went. With all due respect, you’re a random (as are we all) on the internet. Why wouldn’t you share how he reacted? We don’t know you!
I think that’s why some posters are becoming frustrated that you write at length how wonderful your husband and marriage is but you refuse to share how he reacted. That’s obviously your prerogative but it is a bit odd.

Why is it a joke?! I'm replying to a comment saying women "tip toe" around penis size!

I would have shared but I think there’s already the best approach and talking to him about how the comment made me feel was not the best approach according to the consensus therefore anything I say he said will not the correct regardless of whether I’m happy with how the conversation was approached from his end.

The thread has derailed quite a bit I believe.

Valid point @Newbutoldfather

do they @TrishM80?!?

I appreciate that but to put it bluntly, just ignore the posters who are berating you for how you dealt with the situation. As you said yourself, you can’t turn back time and you handled it how you chose to and that’s absolutely fine.
However, you’ve also asked posters for advice on how you should move forward but how can anyone do that without knowing how he reacted and what he said?!
It leaves people putting 2 and 2 together and speculating that he might have been dismissive and minimised the situation. People can’t advise you if they aren’t told the facts.

Hi op - Aaahh the stupid comment. Having been subject to a stupid hurtful comment recently (about which I posted) - I thought I would pop on here and share my opinion - for what it is worth.

I think the problem is that it is a comment that does stop you in your tracks - from out of nowhere and you quite understandably need to think about what it means to YOU and what you need to do about it - talk to him (which I see you have) or file it away and let it eat away at you.

There is nothing really that he can say to make you forget or erase the feelings it brought up. But having been told numerous times to LTB my partner on here after his comment (to be fair it was the second such comment in a long relationship) - I had to really read through the replies and apply them to myself. Of course you are not going to leave a loving helpful husband over something like this - if it was a pattern, or you really felt he meant to be insulting or cruel, then that is different.

Mine is on a last warning - one more and that's it, but then that is me. I suspect I am a fair bit older than you and one thing I have always applied to my life is the 80/20 rule and I think that it as much as us as human beings can hope for and it applies to everything; relationships, jobs, etc.

We have, each and every one of us, said something that when you look back - it makes you cringe and you wish you had a time machine to go back and undo it, so it is a bit hypocritical to really punish someone else that does it.

However, only you know your relationship and mindset. You sound very grounded and seem to have an otherwise great relationship. Having spoken to him - try your hardest to file it away and get on with things - you won't forget it and I suspect you will be sensitive and watching out for any similar behaviour - so I truly hope this was a one-off and he feels suitably bad that he hurt you.