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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

800 replies

SillyPeachAnt · 02/08/2026 10:24

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

OP posts:
SnowFrogJelly · 02/08/2026 23:24

Tell him he’s not as hard as he used to be

Stopthattractor · 02/08/2026 23:29

I wouldn't have been able to react with your measured and gracious approach but I believe it's possible and I'm glad you've been able to make that happen. I'm guessing it was an inside thought that was misspoken in the post sex brain void and he has apologised and reassured you of how sorry he is and how much he enjoys being intimate with you

Or similar.

Whatever happened, well done. If you feel satisfied, it's done and over.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. That must have been heartbreaking and I imagine it puts a lot of issues into proportion.

Please don't get a husband stitch. Not that I think you would.

EvieBB · 02/08/2026 23:30

Tink3rbell30 · 02/08/2026 10:50

You had sex with him again after making such a horrible insensitive comment about your body?! The bar is on tbe floor.

Or maybe she was too horny to care on that moment lol

Calliopespa · 02/08/2026 23:49

SillyPeachAnt · 02/08/2026 23:00

Anyway, probably my last comment.
I'm genuinely confused as to why my own feelings, and the way I've chosen to deal with this, seem to have made some people so personally angry. At no point have I said my approach is the right approach or that anyone else should handle things the same way. Yet there has been so much assumption and projection, often followed by comments that claim to be supportive while simultaneously insulting or belittling me. Those two things don't really go together.

I've spoken to my husband, but people are still making assumptions about me "letting him off lightly." I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean when I haven't shared what was actually said in our conversation. It seems many people have decided that because I didn't respond the way they would have, my response must somehow be wrong. I wasn't aware there was a universal, correct way to process upset. I've always believed we're allowed to feel what we feel and respond in the way that's right for us.

Quite frankly, I don't need to be belittled, berated, insulted, or told how I should feel in order for my feelings to be valid. I also don't believe people have to be perfect victims for their emotions to count. My feelings are valid regardless of how I choose to express them. I don't have to react in the most dramatic or confrontational way to prove that I was genuinely upset. I was upset. That should be enough.

From the beginning my intention was not to come here to insult my husband maybe I have given the wrong impression but that’s not what our marriage is about. My bad I’m not the best at articulating myself via text I find it easier speaking. If that was the kind of relationship we had I wouldn't still be married to him. Yes, he upset me I mean that’s why I posted on here. But insulting him doesn't undo the upset or make me feel better, and for me, it doesn't help resolve it. I’d rather just talk to him. I just came here to vent a little this is not what I was expecting I wasn’t expecting to be told how I should feel or questioned on how I feel these are just my feelings.

After nine years of marriage,15 years together and surviving things far more devastating than this including our child having cancer and the grief of losing them at such a young age. I think we've earned the right to navigate things in the way that works for us. That doesn't mean we excuse each other or avoid difficult conversations. It just means we've learned to communication and just talk about things.

Every relationship is different. Every marriage is different. Every person processes upset differently. I don’t believe that there is one blueprint that applies to everyone.

I'm satisfied with how I addressed this and with where we go from here. That doesn't mean I brushed it aside or simply said, "It's fine." It means I addressed it, we talked about it and accountability was part of that conversation. I haven’t even said what the conversation entailed yet people are telling me what the conversation entailed and making assumptions with little to no information.

Anyways have a good night everyone. I have a very busy day with my little ones. I guess you’ll say “why’s he not the one looking after them or doing the day camp drop off” well sadly he has to work for us to have food on the table and it’s not his one day off in the week and I don’t work Mondays. I guess that’s also wrong too ahaha anyway that’s just me being snarky. If you’re in solidarity with people insulting them in the same sentence does quite the opposite at least for me.

I applaud your attitude in many respects OP, particularly being able to recognise - even from a position of hurt - that name-calling and "tit for tat" achieves little of value, even if it feels cathartic in the moment.

I am often really surprised by the lack of relationship skills on MN, in particular the failure to recognise that hitting back hardest isn't always the approach chosen by the strongest.

OtterlyAstounding · 02/08/2026 23:53

Coming back to this thread, something seems very off. I wondered early on if this was some weird sort of reverse, and it still seems a bit like that. She hasn't said anything about what her husband said to apologise, to reassure her, and to make it clear he'll never do something so obviously cruel, stupid, and unable to be retracted again.

Not that she owes the thread that, but it seems very strange to tell people exactly what he said, ask if she's being unreasonable to be upset even though she still had sex with him again, before defending him ceaselessly when people says that it's a blatantly stupid, prickish move that he needs to make amends for, then vaguely say they had a conversation and now she feels happy.

It all feels a little askew, and unnatural...

At any rate, any human over the age of 12 knows that casually observing to your wife that her vagina is looser in the wake of your first sex post-partum, is a cruel and awful thing to do. So if a man says that, he has no excuse, and his only recourse should be grovelling apologies, and telling her that he's probably just misremembering because he's so used to his own hand at the moment/it's probably because she's still healing and it still felt really good.

Really though, I don't know a single man who would ever be so thoughtless as to say that.

Anonyanonay · 03/08/2026 00:29

Poor man. He just made a completely innocent, neutral and off-the-cuff comment about how his Marital Support Unit ™ was showing signs of wear and tear and now he's getting loads of grief.

NoPatienceForOldMen · 03/08/2026 00:31

SillyPeachAnt · 02/08/2026 10:24

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Was he lying?

Papster · 03/08/2026 00:53

Maybe he thought it was a compliment….

ok, maybe not

Rainbowstar14 · 03/08/2026 06:56

from the replies to people who are giving you advice which is why you posted on here, it sounds like you already know what you’re going to say to him so why have you made this post and then got so defensive over him.
he sounds like a dick, maybe he is a good dad but you can be a good dad and be an insensitive idiot to his wife at the same time. most men would not comment something like that to their wife ever, let alone someone who’s not long had a baby.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:26

EvieBB · 02/08/2026 23:30

Or maybe she was too horny to care on that moment lol

Show quote history

Proving my last sentence then.

EvieBB · 03/08/2026 07:29

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:26

Proving my last sentence then.

Show quote history

Get a life and lighten up Mrs Prude!

nc42day · 03/08/2026 07:36

I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

When I mentioned the amount of emotional labour you were doing around this, I'm not sure you fully picked up what I meant. You said you were unsure of how to approach it, lest you make him feel you were accusing him of trying to hurt you. Here you were, ruminating and posting and trying to find the right angle to approach him from.

Look at the energy he is expending over this. It was you doing the brain work, you handling your feelings, you centering him, in case you upset him.

It's maybe worth thinking about. You would maybe prefer not to. And that is fine. It's not uncommon, we absolutely do cut men far more slack on this than they should get regularly, it's not rare for the woman in a hetero relationship to be running emotional rings around the man while they remain largely oblivious of it.

I just wanted you to know that you don't owe him an unruffled life at the expense of yourself and your own feelings, and it's not your job to be the one who smooths things over and keeps things easy for him. He is an adult, not a child, and he has full responsibility for what comes out of his mouth and the consequences.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:37

EvieBB · 03/08/2026 07:29

Get a life and lighten up Mrs Prude!

Show quote history

Nope it's true, some women's extremely low bar is exactly why men get away with so much.

RuinartRuination · 03/08/2026 07:49

SillyPeachAnt · 02/08/2026 15:28

We have now spoken about it like you say what’s been said has been said.

I mean we both work otherwise we wouldn’t be able to afford our children’s prep school fees.

We are lucky his parents live somewhat close to us so they can have our youngest whilst I work. I’ve just gone back to work twice a week one day from home and one from the office. He works 4 days a week and stays home with our youngest on his day off.

I feel as though we both do as much as we can. We would both love to stay at home with our youngest but we have bills to pay. He’d love to only work 2 days a week like me but we can’t really afford that if that makes me a trad wife then okay ?

Show quote history

My trad wife point was in relation to one aspect of those relationships ie that they “submit” to their husbands. I was trying to put myself in your shoes and understand how you were able to have sex with him after a comment like that and that was a theory I came up with as a possibility.

Original poster
SillyPeachAnt · 03/08/2026 07:49

OneFunGreyFish · 02/08/2026 23:09

OP being angry at us might be easier than being angry at your husband but it won't help long term. You are the one that posted this thread. I get it, you're essentially trapped like so many people in long marriages with young children. If he'd said this comment six months into your relationship you wouldn't still be with him..But now you can't leave especially after just 'one comment'. I think you are still very hurt as you should be. I'm glad you have resolved it to your own satisfaction.

There seems to be an assumption that if someone is genuinely upset, the only authentic response is to become permanently angry or leave. If they don't then the upset must not have been real or they must be making excuses. I personally do not think any form of relationship is really that binary.

All I’ve done is try to explain how I chose to approach this age somehow that is wrong and I should have done it a different way the only right way to do things otherwise. It’s as though people have made arbitrary conclusions.

OP posts:
BEAchDays2 · 03/08/2026 07:49

What did your husband say? To reassure you that is. Your posts are word salad.

OtterlyAstounding · 03/08/2026 07:52

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:37

Nope it's true, some women's extremely low bar is exactly why men get away with so much.

Show quote history

Agreed. I'm shocked that after being given the unprompted review of: 'your vagina is less tight' she actually desired sex with him. It feels like a lack of self-worth more than unbridled lust, frankly.

After all, if he'd said after sex, entirely unprompted and unnecessarily, 'you're not as pretty as you used to be', or 'your tits are saggier than they used to be', you'd hope most women would have the self-worth to not be helplessly turned on by him. This is no different.

But as a pp mentioned, the way she's talking about the situation makes it seem as though she's tying herself up in knots not wanting to offend him by expressing her very reasonable hurt, wondering how to approach it in a way that protects his feelings...while he's just casually commenting that she has a looser vagina, without a care in the world or a single thought for her feelings. The bar is so low it's in the bloody mines of Moria.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:54

OtterlyAstounding · 03/08/2026 07:52

Agreed. I'm shocked that after being given the unprompted review of: 'your vagina is less tight' she actually desired sex with him. It feels like a lack of self-worth more than unbridled lust, frankly.

After all, if he'd said after sex, entirely unprompted and unnecessarily, 'you're not as pretty as you used to be', or 'your tits are saggier than they used to be', you'd hope most women would have the self-worth to not be helplessly turned on by him. This is no different.

But as a pp mentioned, the way she's talking about the situation makes it seem as though she's tying herself up in knots not wanting to offend him by expressing her very reasonable hurt, wondering how to approach it in a way that protects his feelings...while he's just casually commenting that she has a looser vagina, without a care in the world or a single thought for her feelings. The bar is so low it's in the bloody mines of Moria.

Show quote history

Spot on!

Original poster
SillyPeachAnt · 03/08/2026 07:56

Papster · 03/08/2026 00:53

Maybe he thought it was a compliment….

ok, maybe not

Ahaha

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:58

BEAchDays2 · 03/08/2026 07:49

What did your husband say? To reassure you that is. Your posts are word salad.

She's ignoring this question.

Original poster
SillyPeachAnt · 03/08/2026 08:00

Tink3rbell30 · 03/08/2026 07:58

She's ignoring this question.

Show quote history

I explained very clearly why I was being opaque some read and understood what I meant and my reasons for it have a read if you get the chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyPeachAnt · 03/08/2026 08:03

RuinartRuination · 03/08/2026 07:49

My trad wife point was in relation to one aspect of those relationships ie that they “submit” to their husbands. I was trying to put myself in your shoes and understand how you were able to have sex with him after a comment like that and that was a theory I came up with as a possibility.

Show quote history

Fair enough

I don’t think I’m a trad wife but you know best. I do think it would be quite the juxtaposition if you knew the industry he works at and the industry I work out it would be quite the intersection. I guess anything is possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyPeachAnt · 03/08/2026 08:04

OtterlyAstounding · 03/08/2026 07:52

Agreed. I'm shocked that after being given the unprompted review of: 'your vagina is less tight' she actually desired sex with him. It feels like a lack of self-worth more than unbridled lust, frankly.

After all, if he'd said after sex, entirely unprompted and unnecessarily, 'you're not as pretty as you used to be', or 'your tits are saggier than they used to be', you'd hope most women would have the self-worth to not be helplessly turned on by him. This is no different.

But as a pp mentioned, the way she's talking about the situation makes it seem as though she's tying herself up in knots not wanting to offend him by expressing her very reasonable hurt, wondering how to approach it in a way that protects his feelings...while he's just casually commenting that she has a looser vagina, without a care in the world or a single thought for her feelings. The bar is so low it's in the bloody mines of Moria.

Show quote history

Agreed

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 03/08/2026 08:08

Just caught up on the thread OP. I think the number of replies shows you how deeply many people feel about what was said to you. Probably because it is a fear many of us hold after giving birth, and I bet some men like your DH have commented on it. You do seem surprised people have commented or been angry on your behalf, I’m curious what you anticipated as you were writing your original post, did you not think it was a big deal?

You don’t have to share the details of the conversation but you did post here and so it’s only natural people want to know the next part of the conversation because you seem to be more angry at posters who are angry at your DH than you are at your DH for being insensitive enough to comment anything about your body post birth beyond ‘I am so fucking lucky to have you’. If my DH had made that comment would I divorce him? No. But I wouldn’t have had sex the next day without because conversation because emotionally it would be playing on my mind. Not to weaponise sex but because I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy it, or trust him while I was naked and vulnerable.

All the posts you’ve written about marriage and communication are true, yes it takes work and yes we want our kids to understand the work and how you resolve things. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt! I am curious what he said in your conversation because if it was an apology and a ‘fuck I’m so stupid I shouldn’t have said that!’ I feel like you’d have told us?

SomeOtherUser · 03/08/2026 08:18

Wow, I can't believe how this thread has derailed! I guess I'm in the minority as I think OP's response to the comment has been reasonable and normal. I think it's easy to say what you think someone else should do when you are not in their life, but the reality is that you are not them - they may think and feel differently, and their circumstances may be unlike any you have ever experienced. Open your minds a little, people!

OP, the comment would have upset me and if I thought there were malicious intent, I would have a hard time letting it go. However, I assume it was just an idiotic observation that slipped out in an unguarded moment? Either way, I don't think there's anything wrong with your reaction!