AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I wouldn’t be able to park the comment. It would pop up in my head everytime we had sex. It would ruin sex to be honest. I wouldn’t have the confidence to move on. I would still have sec but it would never be the same. It’s a little like an affair. You can forgive but you never forget.

What kind of marriage is that at that point surely it’s best to just move on ? Why would you still have sex with someone if you can’t move on. I don’t think people should be building up resentment not sure that would be a good marriage

Yikes what a cunt! I assume he looks like a god 🙄 hopefully he traps his tiny dick in the door

It's actually really concerning he would say this and not realise how upsetting it is. Comments like this can ruin a marriage if they go unchecked. You need to talk asap and the big tell will be in how he responds. Honestly if this were me I would not be very enthusiastic about having sex with him again until we had spoken about it. Don't allow yourself to be treated like shit just because you've had another baby.

Perhaps there has and I missed it but the overwhelming responses said nothing of the kind. (I’ve RTFT).

You are inventing a narrative that doesn’t exist. Posters agreed with you that YANBU to be upset. You have let us know that you spoke to him but with no details. You are clearly not ok, from your subsequent posts and most posters are not trying to invalidate your choices but simply say that letting your H so easily move on from a really awful shattering comment is surprising. (You might say you are not but we can only go on what you’re posting).

A few things can be true. He can be an otherwise good husband and father. But this comment is too significant to treat as thoughtless and worthy of only one conversation, IMO. It does go to how he views you & your intimacy together. I suggest it needs further discussion and response from him (no mention of insults or bag packing!)

Some examples that somewhat imply that:

I would seriously struggle to have sex again with him after that, it would always be on my mind. Ugh.

Pelvic/core exercises for yourself and get rid of the man.Never sleep with him again, he can be a good father but he’s a real shitty person. Raise your standards.

I'll be honest that comment would have knocked my confidence to the point I'd be unable to have sex with him again.

What a truly awful comment. I would be so upset and can't see how I would ever feel comfortable during sex again.

Well I wouldn’t want to go near him again in truth, what a hideous comment.

I wouldn’t be able to park the comment. It would pop up in my head everytime we had sex. It would ruin sex to be honest. I wouldn’t have the confidence to move on. I would still have sex but it would never be the same. It’s a little like an affair. You can forgive but you never forget.

This is ridiculous. If she’d said his dick felt smaller he would not have taken that as anything but a cruelly thoughtless attack at his manhood and would have probably retaliated saying her vagina was baggy. Why are men allowed to be this grotesque? They can keep their tongues in their heads when it comes to their bosses or in job interviews- they’re capable of not saying their thoughts out loud. But when it comes to wives and partners that’s not as important evidently

I’d probably reply with nah, I reckon your dick has got smaller.

I guess we’ve read different responses I can only read the ones I have seen. I’m going by what people have said in their responses to me.

I’m not really sure what I’m said to suggest that I’m letting him off easy ? Be great to point me to that as that wasn’t my intention maybe there’s a misunderstanding and I might have not articulated myself that way. I think you have to remember this is text it’s not face to face you can only infer and interpret as it’s a harder medium to convey exactly what you mean at least for me I struggle with that over text/words I’m much better that speaking which is what I chose to do to address this. All I have said is that I have had a conversation with him and I am happy and satisfied with the conversation. I haven’t said what the conversation entailed or what he said in the conversation or even what I said in the conversation.

OP I get it, your husband made an unforgettable and possibly unforgivable comment but you are the one in the marriage that wants to stay there for good reason because it's an otherwise great marriage. So all you can do is what you have already done which is talk to him, move on and make it clear to him to be more sensitive when he talks about your body in the future. That's all you can do.

It fucking sucks but sometimes people do awful things to you and all you can do is move on from it and try and forget.

OP it's clear you have a good marriage, but the fact that you're having to mitigate this single comment with 15 years of good behaviour from him, should show you how outrageous it was for him to say it.

He should be ashamed. And I hope he is.

Repeated post

Exactly none of those are saying ‘kick him out’!

They are instead talking about the very genuine upset they’d feel at such a cruel, misogynistic comment.

A comment like that doesn’t come from nowhere.

Whatever is behind it isn’t a simple, quick apology.

Addressing that is significant as those replies suggest but they don’t make trite comments about packing bags / kicking out.

Read every single comment if you have the time. I think know the comments I have read on my own posts. There was one even telling me to tell him to go to his parents.

That’s true. No one actually said to kick him out. Some comments were just way too extreme, like saying they could never sleep with him again. I just took it a step further and realized that if that happened—like zero sex ever again—it would probably end in divorce anyway.

Yes.

OP is just being berated, belittled and bullied for not being neurotic / fragile / aggressive enough to suit the personal tastes of PPs who live very different lives and have never met her or her DH.

If that comment was made to me and then they tried to initiate sex again I would be offended.. not to mention completely turned off. It's not about "punishing" him, but simply not wanting sex with a man who spoke about my body like that (especially after just having a baby!) You're right, it's a completely vulnerable moment and it might have "just" been a thoughtless comment but it was hurtful - and I don't want sex with someone who makes me feel that way. But that's my opinion and having said that, I am glad you have managed to address how you feel and feel somewhat satisfied by the conversation you had.

I agree
I could forgive but not forget
and it would forever be the devil on your shoulder reminding you what he really thinks

IME men think about things differently, he may have simply been making a factual observation, not that it makes it less hurtful to hear.

Anyway, probably my last comment.
I'm genuinely confused as to why my own feelings, and the way I've chosen to deal with this, seem to have made some people so personally angry. At no point have I said my approach is the right approach or that anyone else should handle things the same way. Yet there has been so much assumption and projection, often followed by comments that claim to be supportive while simultaneously insulting or belittling me. Those two things don't really go together.

I've spoken to my husband, but people are still making assumptions about me "letting him off lightly." I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean when I haven't shared what was actually said in our conversation. It seems many people have decided that because I didn't respond the way they would have, my response must somehow be wrong. I wasn't aware there was a universal, correct way to process upset. I've always believed we're allowed to feel what we feel and respond in the way that's right for us.

Quite frankly, I don't need to be belittled, berated, insulted, or told how I should feel in order for my feelings to be valid. I also don't believe people have to be perfect victims for their emotions to count. My feelings are valid regardless of how I choose to express them. I don't have to react in the most dramatic or confrontational way to prove that I was genuinely upset. I was upset. That should be enough.

From the beginning my intention was not to come here to insult my husband maybe I have given the wrong impression but that’s not what our marriage is about. My bad I’m not the best at articulating myself via text I find it easier speaking. If that was the kind of relationship we had I wouldn't still be married to him. Yes, he upset me I mean that’s why I posted on here. But insulting him doesn't undo the upset or make me feel better, and for me, it doesn't help resolve it. I’d rather just talk to him. I just came here to vent a little this is not what I was expecting I wasn’t expecting to be told how I should feel or questioned on how I feel these are just my feelings.

After nine years of marriage,15 years together and surviving things far more devastating than this including our child having cancer and the grief of losing them at such a young age. I think we've earned the right to navigate things in the way that works for us. That doesn't mean we excuse each other or avoid difficult conversations. It just means we've learned to communication and just talk about things.

Every relationship is different. Every marriage is different. Every person processes upset differently. I don’t believe that there is one blueprint that applies to everyone.

I'm satisfied with how I addressed this and with where we go from here. That doesn't mean I brushed it aside or simply said, "It's fine." It means I addressed it, we talked about it and accountability was part of that conversation. I haven’t even said what the conversation entailed yet people are telling me what the conversation entailed and making assumptions with little to no information.

Anyways have a good night everyone. I have a very busy day with my little ones. I guess you’ll say “why’s he not the one looking after them or doing the day camp drop off” well sadly he has to work for us to have food on the table and it’s not his one day off in the week and I don’t work Mondays. I guess that’s also wrong too ahaha anyway that’s just me being snarky. If you’re in solidarity with people insulting them in the same sentence does quite the opposite at least for me.

What was the purpose of you posting,what did you hope to get from it?

It’s precisely because you haven’t said what the conversation entailed that people are having to guess. You either want to tell us what he said and get advice or you just keep posting waffle for attention. Those of us that wanted to actually help are just confused where you want this thread to go.

• what was his reason for saying it?
•. did he apologise
•. If you are not going to tell us anything else then what are you still posting for? You are literally just arguing with people for the sake of it.

If you truly want any more advice for the love of god tell us what you want advice on instead of every post being a “word salad” as another pp said!

If you just want to argue with everyone then no one will want to help you.

OP being angry at us might be easier than being angry at your husband but it won't help long term. You are the one that posted this thread. I get it, you're essentially trapped like so many people in long marriages with young children. If he'd said this comment six months into your relationship you wouldn't still be with him..But now you can't leave especially after just 'one comment'. I think you are still very hurt as you should be. I'm glad you have resolved it to your own satisfaction.

Grrrr I am very annoyed on your behalf. I think we really need to move away from this vaginas needing to be "tight" to be pleasurable discourse we seem to love as a society.

I would have been really hurt too!

@ByRealOtter I agree, it’s all become a bit “I’ve got a secret, but I’m not telling YOU because you were mean!” 🙄