AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

You think the OP’s posts are just word salad ?

Apart from the first 3 posts? Yes very much so.

I don’t see how anyone here can give you post-conversation advice if we’re not allowed to know any details of said conversation.

You keep telling us how happy you are with how it went, so I suppose… just crack on?

That was a constructive and helpful response! I can imagine the exercises would help. Plus I like your comment about telling off her DH.

that’s true enough about AIBU, but not necessarily here. Yes, there’s a bit of disagreement between posters but most are trying to support OP, it’s just hard to do that given her responses.

I do agree pulling the thread might be helpful for OP now.

I think the problem though is that people are trying to support in different ways. without necessarily thinking it through.

It is true we all think the comment was hurtful and all feel indignant on her behalf.

However, she can't go back and not sleep with him after the comment, so there was no utility in belabouring that aspect. And I don't see how the point about how little he must respect her is helpful in a situation where the OP has stated the marriage is otherwise strong.

You can show solidarity without stirring the embers.

Agree. Or maybe re-post in relationships, so the ‘advice’ won’t be so combative.

I think many posters have missed one of OP’s updates where she disclosed that she and her DH lost a child to cancer. I think if man and wife can manage to support each other through something so unimaginably hard and move forward together, then the bond between them becomes stronger not in spite of, but because of that shared loss , and something that comes across very strongly in all of OP’s posts is that it will take more than one careless comment to break that bond, and that there are better ways to move forward after a setback like this than trading insults and blowing things out of all proportion.

I work in a similar industry and went back to work full time when mine were 3 months as part time is also frowned upon. It is very male dominated in my case.

It is never an easy choice but I know with confidence it was the right choice as I'm sure you do too.

I wouldn’t care how many cafes he took the kids to that doesn’t cancel out misogynistic body shaming comments to a postpartum woman the first time after having sex after she has birthed my third child. You’re making a lot of excuses for him, I cannot believe he said that there is no plausible reason.

Op, you're looking for practical advice on "where to from here":

• I'd park the comment in my mind. It's done.
• Buy a vagina strengthening kit/do my pelvic floor exercises with a vengeance
• Get back to the level of sex you enjoyed pre-sex (if you want to), inviting him to espouse all the elements he finds freaking sexy and good and vibrant about you.

In the years to come, there will be a time where his body fails him in some way. Hopefully he then comes to realize that nothing good could ever have come from the comment he made, that he transferred his disappointment onto you to have to somehow deal with.

Oh well, then, yeah, Mumsnet isn't great for that, especially when you do actually ask whether you're being unreasonable - people are going to answer!

They don't need to answer telling her she shouldn't have posted.

There certainly is a plausible reason. He might have felt that he hadn't performed especially well and his mouth said what his brain was mulling over as to why.

He shouldn't have let it leave his head and get into his mouth, but fear of his own performance being inadequate could easily have prompted the comment.

It's not that she shouldn't have posted - just that the pp.said she had dealt with it without drama. I am suggesting she could have cut out the middle man (Mumsnet) simply because she has such a good and low drama relationship. She is happy with how she handled it, she was always going to handle it that way, so really the question AIBU is irrelevant. Venting is different and not really asking AIBU. Of course if she wants to wade through a lot of irrelevant responses that she disagrees with and has no need of because she already knows the best thing to do for her relationship, that's up to her 🤷

So did you “feel” him as much as you did before? I know everyone is different but you know he wasn’t making a comment about something which is within your control right? Anyway, the reason why relationships break down is due to poor communication so you do need to communicate to him how it made you feel

Thank you. I think the people piling on aren’t reading anything I say. I am not excusing the comment at all I am simply saying that our marriage is strong enough that I am willing to have a conversation about this and go from there.

I think a lot of issue can be solved by communicating yes there’s criticism in regards to me not mentioning it when it happened, I agree with that and I should have done that but I did not. There’s no point in dwelling on what I could have done when the time has already passed. I addressed it with him today it hasn’t even been a whole 24hrs. People wanted me to insult him and or pack up my bags and leave or kick him out the house etc what does that solve why not just talk about it first.

Excellent advice!

I think some of the responses have involved quite a lot of assumptions about my relationship and my choices.

That's MN, I'm afraid, OP. It can come as a shock when you post a thread, to find yourself firefighting so much projection and misinterpretation.

You just have to grow a thick skin and filter out all the strident voices telling you how you should feel and think if you were doing things "properly."

You sound awesome and your relationship sounds healthy to me. Don't let people bully you into being more fragile than you are.

Wow. Spotlight on his selfish side - he spoke to you as if you weren’t an equal person and he thought it was ok to say that your vagina was no longer as tight, obv a bad thing which will affect him negatively. And he thought you would what? Agree? Apologise?

Perhaps I missed it but did posters tell you to pack your bags or kick him out?

Understandably I think you’re deflecting your upset on MN posters, instead of the actual cause (and sorry I do know that sounds v amateur psycho-analysis).

Yes there’s been some saying to kick him out, some advising to leave etc have a read at all the comments there’s been quite a few extreme responses misinterpreting and or projecting telling me how I should act or feel and why the way I am acting isn’t how I should be acting since there’s one right and universal way to act. Then saying they’re giving me advice or trying but insulting me that’s not solidarity. No one needs to be the perfect victim in a situation I came here and said I was upset that’s that but because I didn’t portray my upset a certain way it the way you’re apparently supposed to portray it then it’s somehow wrong how I feel but I was under the impression we are all different with different feeling. My feelings and my approach can also be valid it doesn’t need ti be portrayed in a specific way.

He was tactless and insensitive but probably just saying what he’d noticed.

In France, pelvic floor therapy is a standard part of the health service for women who have given birth.
https://www.mypelvictherapy.com/post/postpartum-pelvic-physical-therapy

As a different angle - could have been the potentially worst execution ever of a well intentioned ‘I know birth was tough and you got an injury and recovering from that has felt different and strange to you, i can few things are different too so it’s not just in your head. I love you and find you sexually attractive just the same’.

Because, y’know, sometimes everyone gets the words wrong when the intent is good.

Very much agree with this

op please ignore the “do as I say” posters.

and as for your posts being “word salad”, that’s bollocks. You come across as elequent, clear, understanding and intelligent.

You should write a book. Your imagination is amazing.