AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Yup. Being a grown up and actually talking isn’t allowed. Much better to trade insults and not talk to each other for days so that the resentment simmers on both side and the whole thing escalates. OP indicated some time ago that they had talked things out - clearly that’s not enough drama for many posters who are still ‘advising’ long after OP and her DH have settled things.

Literally. I’m not against any advice. Every time I’ve pushed back people think I’m being sassy and what not but there’s no actual concrete balanced advice on what to do just implicitly piling onto me and insulting me because I’ve refused to react how apparently I should react. As if there’s only one universal way to be upset at the comment. I clearly know the comment was disgusting that’s why I posted.

You must not read much MN then. Many many women here would not proclaim to be anything like ‘strong women who’d rip a man’s head off’ but rather have walked difficult paths themselves and post on that basis.

Well its not about any of us really is it So perhaps the only people who should be on threads should be the OP No replies or reactions allowed. Have you suggested this to MN?

I think that maybe, me included, are validating your upset, and curious as to why your reaction to a comment that you found hurtful, was to have sex with the man who said it, before addressing it, in case it upset him when you did.

Before the sex, which ideally would have come after the hurt was repaired. And I think for many people, a comment that was so personal and hurtful, that repair might have taken quite a lot of work by the person who said it.

You're not wrong. Nobody is saying you're wrong, you posted asking if you were unreasonable to be upset and the answer is absolutely not. The fact you're asking the question is a head scratcher.

They are neither supportive nor trying to help. Yes it was a disgusting comment, but thankfully OP seems to be much more of a grown up than most of the posters here. Trading insults doesn’t help. Rowing, and not talking for days doesn’t help. Talking things through like adults and being honest with each other however, does help. OP is defending the person that he is - that she knows him to be - not what he said. There’s a difference.

I haven’t read the whole thread but personally think he knew exactly what he said and why he said it .

no one, man or women is that stupid to say something like that and not know how hurtfull it would be , but plenty of them are deliberately hurtful to their partners to keep them in their place as such even when they are Good Men / Women most of the time

what he said is a form of negging you , keeping you in your place sexually by inferring that your “ loose “ down below and your lucky to have him still wanting to have sex with him. He may not have said that directly but that’s what I took from what he said

and while you might have forgiven him - for now -I don’t think it’s something you will forget - it will always be in the back of your mind when you have sex with him .

it’s one of those things that you can be feeling pretty good about yourself and then you remember what he said

Personally what he said to you as his wife is pretty unforgivable but I do understand why you haven’t let rip at him

your a mum of 3 small kids and potentially at very vulnerable period in your life so I can see why you have taken the path of least resistance

but either your DH meant it and said it deliberately or he is as thick as shit to even say it and think it’s ok

I just asked my DH why would a man say that to his wife and he just said cos he is a cunt😂

I’m sure OP appreciates the laughing emoji.

But OP clearly hasn’t walked that path and hasn’t got a difficult marriage. So at the end of the day that’s just projection, and as such is irrelevant and unhelpful.

You’re an adult, he’s an adult, he’s human so are you. Just have a conversation and be honest and authentic. That’s all you both need to be. If he’s as good a husband and dad as you say, then im sure he will be upset that he’s hurt you. Don’t listen to nasty comments on here.

Who knows - she seems to be pretty forgiving of her husband so I doubt if a smiley face is going to upset her

I just asked my husband as he isn’t the most tactful of people but I couldn’t imagine him
saying something like that

I’ve lost weight and I’ve had cosmetic surgery my body is completely different to how it was when we met and I remember him saying that holding me in bed was strange as I felt very different to what he was used to

i did ask him if he didn’t like the “new me “ and he said no it was just different
even if he didn’t like my figure he’s not stupid enough to say it while we are having sex

I really don’t know what thread you are reading as I don’t see this concrete right or wrong at all 🤷🏻‍♀️ I see posters expressing their concern & agreeing with you that YANBU.

you ask for advice ‘after the conversation’. But we know nothing about the conversation. Or what you said, or he did. You said I’d assumed you’d forgiven him as you said you were happy with the conversation.

How can anyone advise further? Of course it’s none of our business but if you don’t want to say more, posters can’t say any more than their view of what he said, which you then say is not actual advice and pointless anyway.

I hope you are ok & things do work out as you hope.

Then there’s people telling me not to do this and the other until the issue is straightened out. I have discussed this issue with him. Any other suggestions you guys have for straightening it out. It’s just a words on words not much addressing the straightening it out aspect.

Lots seem to be projecting onto me. I haven’t said my marriage is the perfect marriage but in the 9 years we’ve been married he has always without a doubt made me feel good about myself, he’s always made sure I am happy, we’ve always been happy and in love. Sometimes people are able to just have adult conversations and realise humans are humans at the end of the day I’m sure I’ve said some things in the past to him, to friends, to families etc and we’ve talked about it and worked on how to move forward. Why can’t this be that too ? It’s not a pattern of behaviour. Why can’t we have a conversation about how the comment made me feel. If I wasn’t happy with the conversation or how things were handled I’d talk about it. We’ve always been able to talk about things this isn’t different. I could have mentioned it then and there when it happened but I did not that ship has sailed I cannot turn back time.

Even if i had a discussion with my husband and he apologised and took it back I’d still feel absolutely devastated with hurt at the situation.

Even if I knew I wanted to forgive him and move past it, it wouldn’t be that easy. I think it would take me a very long time to stop being visibly upset and to be able to try and function as normal with him.

I don’t understand this? I was responding to your point about MN being full of strong women / rip heads off. That point is unconnected with OP or this thread. I disagreed with your view of posters on MN, generally speaking, that’s all.

Do some pelvic floor excercises and tell him not to be such a fucking arsehole? Simple.

Kindly, I think is posters who would like to give you advice would like some context of what your DH explained as his reasoning for saying such a thing. Just saying you’ve discussed it and are happy implies you don’t want or need any more advice? Can you tell us interested in actually helping some context or are you going to spend your time exhausting yourself to posters who actually just want to blow it up into a huge drama? Some of us do genuinely want to help but you seem to be getting overwhelmed with the posters who are assuming stuff. We are not all here to just say LTB x

I agree I think you might forgive but you wouldn’t forget something like this

it’s the sort of thing that you can’t really forget being said

it’s not marriage ending but it’s not exactly inspiring to hear

Holding someone accountable is one thing, but some of the comments here go way, way beyond that.

I didn’t even know what LTB meant till I searched it up. I am not a consistent MN user I’ve been here a few time usually for parenting stuff when my older kids were younger not sleeping etc that sort of stuff. Never on this so I didn’t know there’s ways to react and if you don’t react that way you’re not upset etc when clearly I was upset enough to post about it. Sometimes people just want to have vent not be insulted because their way of reacting isn’t THE way. I still stand by my opinion I do not believe you need to react a certain way nor do I believe you need to insult your other half for you to truly show that you’re upset otherwise what is the point. I don’t believe that’s how adults should handle things but then again I guess my way is utterly wrong when really and truly it’s just my opinion not a universal view nor do I want to make a universal view.

Many many years ago I worked in a male heavy environment
think of builder / contractors I’m the admin assistant

I think after a while they sort of forgot I was a woman and treated me like one of the guys and would say stuff in front of me to each other and I mainly ignored them

the horrible shit they would come out with was unreal and I mostly ignored it

but one that always stuck in my head and especially after reading this thread is one guy that said his wife had a “bucket cxxt” after having kids

and that was one of the tamer things they would say

That’s really hurtful. I remember asking dh when we finally got back to having sex after dc2 if things still felt the same, and he said “better than ever”. It was probably a total lie but I appreciated it so much.

After you’ve put your body through having a baby (or three babies!) the last thing you need is to have the thought in your head that dh is critiquing and comparing . It’s supposed to be an act of love and you want him to be enjoying it - not measuring lumps and bumps.

Im not sure how I’d raise it with him. I might say, how would he feel if you counted how long he lasted or gave him a mark out of ten - it’s just not a nice thing to do.

Hi, Op is a really, really shit comment, one that should stay in one's own head.
Think you have done the right thing in the moment and taken some time to reflect. I'd wait for a non-bedroom moment when you have time to just explain how the comment was intended or how it hurt you and affected your confidence. If he is a decent chap, then he should be gutted. And sorry and reflect on how his words have hurt you. If he is not, then he is a massive bell end, and he deserves all he doesn't get.

I think it is you OP that is coming out with word salad in every one of your posts - you've had some sort of conversation with your DH and apparently it is all sorted? It's your marriage - whatever floats your boat. There's not much advice anyone can give you - the cat is out of the bag, he said what he said and that is the truth of what he thinks. It's shit and nobody has disagreed with how you feel.

I think it was unfortunately a mistake to post in AIBU Op.

It seems to me what you really wanted (very naturally) was advice and a shoulder to cry on, whereas aibu tends to be approached as "pick a side and fight to the death." Often the OP and their predicament gets lost in a to and fro between posters trying to shout each other down if they represent the other "side" and often they miss cues that some posters might be trying to spare the op's feelings.

I think for something so personal at a vulnerable time it was not a good place to post (I realise you didn't realise) and I would ask to have the thread taken down.