AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I don’t think choosing to have a conversation with my husband rather than immediately deciding what it says about him as a person means I don’t value myself or that I’m tolerating something unacceptable.

Except that it does though.

You even had sex with him again.

He said something so specific about possibly a woman’s most intimate area when you were very vulnerable…and it doesn’t tell us about his character? Really? It also tells us about your character. People are trying to help you see it’s unacceptable. They are trying to support you. Stop defending him and his actions and words. Direct your sass and hopefully anger towards him and let him know how utterly disrespectful that was. It was a disgusting comment.

The only possible response to this is “yes, I can’t really feel you so well, perhaps I need someone bigger.” See how he likes it!

Here is your fatal flaw, OP. You are failing spectacularly at being a drama llama. Where is the threat of immediate divorce? Where is the vow to never let him see his children again? There is absolutely zero overreaction here. You are handling this like a sane, rational human being—and frankly, that sort of balanced behavior is strictly forbidden on Mumsnet.

I don’t think I could ever look at my husband in the same way if he made this comment about me and my body during the most vulnerable time of my life.

I’m scratching my head as to how you have been able to just shake this off @SillyPeachAnt after one conversation with him?

Fuck him! What a disgusting thing to say. What an absolute misogynistic vile so called man.

What would you suggest I do in the situation now ? I’m not opposed to suggestions. All I’ve said is that I’ve since talked to him why do I have to feel a certain way about it for my reaction to be okay. What is the right way to approach this since mine is the wrong approach ?

There is no sass it’s just lots of people saying lots of things but not really any actual advice on what I should do in the situation now that I have addressed it with him ? Genuine concrete advice not just that implicitly saying that how I feel or how I’ve reacted isn’t the right way and it tells people about me. This is an anonymous website I think I am right in saying you do not actually know me and you do not know what the conversation entailed.

What would you do then if not look at him ? What’s your approach

People have told me I’ve essentially reacted the wrong when but do not want to explicitly tell me what I should do not or how I should handle it. It’s all quite implicit advice telling me they’re trying to help by insulting me and acting like how I’ve reacted is completely wrong and there’s only one way to react.

If I have missed any actual concrete advice since I updated then point me to it I’m sorry if I’ve missed that not my intention at all I came here looking for advice not to be told how I am feeling is the wrong way to feel as there’s only one way to feel otherwise it is wrong and I should be reacting the right way.

My response would have been ‘maybe you’re smaller’ or ‘what do you expect, I’ve just had YOUR baby’.

How would he feel if you casually me tioned after sex that he wasnt as 'hard' or feel as 'big" as he used to be??

It’s not about you, though, is it? She already made the choice to have sex with him again and people are telling her she needs to refuse to have sex with him until this issue is straightened out.

Apologies, I never gave some advice - I wouldn’t have had sex the second time and as soon as he said that your vagina didn’t feel right I would have pulled him up sharply. I would have told him how disgusting the comment was at such a vulnerable time, asked him how he feels you can ever feel trusting to have sex with him again, ask him how he would feel about you pointing out some flaws of him, how he thinks his penis would be/look after pushing out a lemon? I would have asked him to move to the spare room/his mothers whilst you thought about ever showing him your vulva again. I think you messed up by having sex with him again. It sort of showed that you were accepting of it and insulting you sexually was absolutely okay. I think you might have given the wrong message. I really hope you can move on from this and I totally agree that you can discuss things rationally but please do not accept this type of behaviour again. Especially by having sex with him if he insulted you sexually. I wouldn’t cook for someone who insulted my cooking. Good luck (genuinely). It really is just one shitty comment in the whole scheme of a marriage but I think it was a whopper of a comment. Practically, there are exercises that you can do if you want to strengthen your vaginal muscles. It’s a wonderful piece of kit that anyone should be privileged to see/touch.

I think people are asking why he said it to be able to advise. Without knowing his reasoning for saying such a thing we can only surmise. If you truly want advice then tell us his reasoning and reaction otherwise we only have assumptions. Some people on here will actually try and help but if you just say we’ve spoken and I’m happy then what advice are you actually asking for? You could just delete the thread if you no longer wish to tell us anything else.

Wouldn't handling it without drama be just having a conversation with him and skip Mumsnet altogether? Not saying Mumsnet can't be helpful or that you should expect negative comments. But you have a great relationship with a great guy who has just made one comment, so what was the issue with just a direct conversation? When you had one, it went exactly as you expected apparently and you felt better. There doesn't seem to be any thing you're actually unsure of here. You are hurt, but obviously you would be, and you spoke to him as you intended to do anyway. So I'm not really sure what your question was. If you wanted to express your feelings of being hurt, the best person to tell was your husband, which you have pointed out yourself when anyone has offered advice.

The mumsnet brigade answer to every little issue a woman has with her husband is always “leave him, he is horrible”.
You know your husband better. Read all answers and take from all of them what helps you. Ignore the rest.
It’s funny how all women who give advice on mumsnet are strong, amazing women who would rip a man’s head at the smallest mistake.

God forbid that the OP might just have momentarily wanted a safe anonymous space to vent.

Thank you for the advice.

Just a bit of a correction he didn’t say it wasn’t right I’m not sure where that is coming from? I haven’t said that because that’s not what happened.

I am not cooking for him, he does majority of the cooking so can’t really do that to ‘punish’ him ahaha. He can cook and do things for himself I wouldn’t have married someone who I’d have to cook for everyday. There’s still assumptions without information. We will see how things go he’s always been very loving and always makes me feel good this was out of character based on my own experiences with him and based on what I know about him.

I know myself and know what I can and can’t move on from as I’ve mentioned we’ve talked I’ve addressed how I felt about the comment, he knows how I feel and I’m satisfied wish his the conversation went.

Any advice for after the conversation? The advice you’ve given is all prior to the conversation/sex I cannot turn back time and make all the right decisions. I enjoyed the sex, he makes me feel good about myself, the comment was disgusting but it’s now happened I’ve addressed my thoughts and feelings.

Yep. This.

I agree OP: you have had a lot of comments making you feel you needed to react in a certain way and trying hard to rub in that they feel your DH must have been trying to be cruel, even though you yourself said the way it was delivered did not give you that feeling.

I think there has been a lot of destructive and belittling talk under cover of kindness that is actually going to stay with you in a negative way far longer than your DH's actual comment. I would ask to have the thread pulled: you don't need all this negative needling about an incredible intimate circumstance sitting here online.

Based on the reactions I’ve received here I doubt it. I may be wrong but from the looks of it seems as though everything I do isn’t being done the right way and there’s only one way to approach this situation. I personally did not know there was a concrete right and wrong way I’ve always though context matters

Exactly.

Or some actual advice - not to be told how much her DH dislikes her.

It's def not a comment any new mum wants to hear is it? But he's a good guy, I'd talk to him but not beat him up over it.

I had a vaginal hysterectomy after 2 children, I am honestly like a diff person down there afterwards 😱 so I learnt new ways of working, so to speak.

Anyways, not to be too explicit, but my advice is to build up your pelvic floor doing pilates or just contracting and relaxing it. Once you've got them firmed up, tighten and hold during intercourse. I doubt he'll complain about feeling less tight and you may also enjoy it more x

Nasty

You’re not helping someone by insulting them when they react to a situation how you wouldn’t react or how you seem to be wrong. People react differently. It would be helpful if I’d have been given concrete advice not be insulted implicitly as if I can’t read the lines. If confused look at some of the responses displayed as help when really there’s no actual advice just ramblings on how I should be feeling but I’ve always been under the impression that I should be able to feel how I want.

I didn’t come here to be told how to feel or have to say certain things about my husband that I simply just don’t agree with for me to prove that I am upset at the comment. I explicitly said I was upset at the comment that should be enough, there’s no right and wrong way to be upset especially when I’ve been so explicit.

I provided ‘actual concrete’ suggestions, if not advice, on how I might proceed if I was subject to such an awful comment.

The thing is OP, posters responded to your AUBU (about being upset) and immediately your response was ‘have talked to him, happy with that, posters are suggesting mean behaviour that I won’t do, and no I won’t disclose what he said’. That’s all fair enough but it sort of shuts down any further advice, and now you’re saying posters aren’t giving any.

Do you want advice?

Again, mine would be, step back and let him
know you need to reflect on how he sees you, and that you need some response from him in terms of addressing his misogyny. Not the silent treatment or anything like that, just clearly conveying your hurt, and his need to repair.

But you’ve indicated you’re happy with the conversation (tho we shouldn’t assume you’ve forgiven him) and have had sex with him.

So there’s hardly any other advice that can be given?

But posters are still commenting that they would have difficulty responding as you did. Which is also fair enough.
It feels a little like you are directing your upset at posters here not your H.