AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

💯

this is excellently put.

What would you advocate for me to do in then ? I’ve told him how I felt and personally I am happy and satisfied with how that conversation went on both side so what else would you do in the situation.

Everyone is different my approach might not be everyone’s approach and that is alright we are all entitled to navigate situations differently.

You were upset by the comment, and it made you feel shit about yourself and your body.

Yet, you had sex with him the next morning without addressing the comment you felt was cruel, because you couldn't work out how to do so without upsetting him.

You were more interested in protecting his feelings than your own, by simply asking him to be accountable for his words.

You are doing a disproportional amount of the emotional labour in this relationship. That's not good for you long, or even medium term. Neither is it good for your DC to watch, whether they get taken to a cafe or not.

Thank you I appreciate it.

Please see the thread and see the various comments I don’t think it matters what my husband said to be in the conversation there’s already a right way and a wrong way for my conversation with him to have gone.

I do see it wasn’t a thoughtless comment which is why I was compelled to make this post. If it was thoughtless I wouldn’t post. I don’t see why there’s so many assumptions on how I feel about the comment when I have clearly said how I felt and have said the comment did upset me. I am not sure how else to make it more clear. I don’t need to shit on my husband or insult him and what not to prove that I am upset or for my upset at the comment to be valid. I don’t want to be married to someone who I feel the need to insult in order to prove and validate how I feel I can just have my feelings and address them without that.

I suppose it’s hard to say, as you haven’t given any indication of how he responded. (That’s your choice, of course)

Because I can’t think of any easy explanation that would explain such a misogynistic, nasty comment.

I can’t see what he could have said that would bring you to the point of ‘oh that’s ok then’ which contrasts so much with your OP where your hurt is palpable.

It sounds like you effectively excused him.

Of course I could be completely wrong. In terms of what I’d advocate, there’s no way one conversation could resolve it for me. There would be a lot more work required from him to understand how he could think, much less say that to you, immediately after the first sex you had since the baby was born.

However, if you are genuinely ok after talking to him, that’s good, and you are right, it’s your marriage, and we are just strangers on MN so it doesn’t matter what we think. 💐

I personally had sex with my husband because I like having sex with him, quite frankly I do like him, I was in the mood and wanted to. The comment didn’t cross my mind during that moment. I guess you know exactly why I had sex with him.

Instead of talking to him since that’s doing emotional labour. What would you suggest I do ? I am genuinely interested you haven’t given me any suggestion.

I think a few posters mentioned parallel comments that might indicate the hurt he caused. (Even then, he didn’t give birth, so it’s not the same, at all). Maybe a few did suggest direct insults.

The vast majority really didn’t. They expressed real concern that he had the capacity to make such a physically & emotionally demeaning comment 😢

It does appear you’ve moved on swiftly & it’s hard for many of us to understand how.

But as I said, it’s your real life so of course it’s your choice.

Why is it so surprising to be genuinely okay and happy after talking to someone about something that hurt you. Isn’t that what being able to speak to someone is about ? Yes I could have mentioned it last night, yes I could have mentioned it this morning. I didn’t, time has passed since then I can’t turn back time. I have since spoken to him about it. It hasn’t even been 24hrs I think it’s okay to speak about things when you’re ready there isn’t a rule on when to mention things it’s not as though it happened a month ago it happened yesterday it’s been addressed today.

I guess in a similar situation I might have needed to withdraw to decide how to proceed. Not to punish him or play games. But to be so upset by his vile comment, and still have sex the next morning, sounds strange to some of us.

It does sound like you are willing to absorb your hurt so as not to put your H in any position of challenge or difficulty for having hurt you so badly.

What exactly does he want you to do about it? He can be the most amazing dad but that was cruel.

OP, it’s just such an egregious comment it’s hard for some of us to fathom what on earth he could have said that made it ok for you & able to forgive.

It was a truly horrible comment. Not thoughtless, not a mistake but an indicator of how he views your body & your sex life (his first comment being how less tight you were).

I think this is an assumption. I don’t think I’ve said I’ve forgiven him I’ve said we’ve talked and I’m happy and satisfied with how the conversation went. Those are two different things at least to me. Maybe there’s been a bit of confusion on my part but I’d rather people didn’t make assumptions.

I'm just not sure how you went to sleep feeling rightfully insulted and hurt having been handed a post sex comment regarding the slackness of your post birth vagina, and woke up feeling turned on and enthusiastic about the very same man sticking his penis in the same vagina, and the very recent still unresolved and unrepaired comment not even crossing your mind.

It's the fact that you were spending the energy working out how to broach this with him, rather than immediately saying, Hey, ouch! That was really hurtful!

That's the emotional labour I'm referring to. Not sitting him down at a convenient time and nicely packaging it up so his feelings aren't hurt... that is not your job as a wife.

I think the problem is OP that this isn’t a comment that can be apologised for, or the damage reversed.

I think lots of PP here - including myself - are alluding to the fact if a man said that, every time you had sex again, there would just be that persistent thought that he’s judging the tightness of your vagina. Negatively.

I’m sure he won’t say it again but that’s besides the point - he doesn’t need to. Now you know that’s what he was thinking when he was intimate with you. Even if he never mentions it again you’re never going to forget what he said. And if that were me, I’d assume that’s what he is thinking every time we had sex. You can’t unsay it.

I’m not suggesting you leave him or weaponise sex.

What I am saying is that this isn’t a little oopsie remark. For many women, this comment would be on their mind every time they had sex in the future. Personally, it would really erode my sexual confidence and make it hard to relax. That’s why so many posters were shocked that you were keen to have sex with him again without discussing what he said.

You’ve been very cross with quite a few PP which is a bit hard to understand. No one is trying to erode your voice or your opinions, if you’re able to brush off the remark after a quick chat with your DH, and we’re happy to have sex with him again without even raising the issue, then all power to you.

However, many women would find this kind of comment really hard to forget and honestly it’s mind-blowing that a decent, kind man would ever blurt it out in the first place.

You’ve spoken to him, you’re happy with the outcome, what the rest of us think about the lasting effects of a comment like this doesn’t really matter 🤷‍♀️

To be fair OP, you're being v opaque in your updates, and honestly, they ring hollow.

I’ve said a few times that’s your prerogative but you can’t then start saying posters are making assumptions. When you said you were happy with the conversation, and you’ve already told us you’d sex again, it’s reasonable to assume you’ve forgiven him!

But either way, I’m glad you’re ok about it all now.

Because I am attracted to him that doesn’t mean I’m happy with the comment. We’ve talked and I am happy with the conversation the comment didn’t cross my mind during sex what am I supposed to do about that ? If I had I wouldn’t have had sex with him.

Every way I approach this is the wrong response by the looks of it based on little to no information of our conversation. Since there is a right and wrong response. I think everyone reacts differently, humans aren’t a monolith.

You don’t know what I said to him or how I even approached the conversation or how the conversation went, what was said etc you’re just making assumptions because how you don’t think how I feel is valid enough or that my approach is the wrong approach.

Or "let's look at some penis engorgement devices / surgeries ...so I can feel you dear...it's always been an issue I'm glad you raised it" 💋

Off topic but I find this WILD

We are lucky his parents live somewhat close to us so they can have our youngest whilst I work. I’ve just gone back to work twice a week one day from home and one from the office. He works 4 days a week and stays home with our youngest on his day off.

Your financial set up means theres money so you can afford to pay 2 x private school fees amd a 3rd when the time comes BUT not enough for you to take more than 4 months mat leave before needing to return to work... and your husband only works 4 days a week?!

Truly proof if ever it was needed it.takes different strokes to paint the world.

Best of luck OP 💐

Thank you I am okay.

I have explained why I’m being opaque and you are able to see the various comments wanting me to react a certain way when I just don’t have that reaction I can’t force a reaction I don’t have. I am allowed my own reactions and I think they’re valid too it’s why I posted on here because I was upset at the comment but because I haven’t reacted a certain way apparently I’m not upset and what not.

No one seems to read those bits and want to jump to assumptions with no information whatsoever other than me saying we had a conversation about it and I’m happy with the conversation that doesn’t necessarily give much.

Now this made me laugh

In the industry I work in having children is sort of frowned upon, a lot of women who have progressed are child free, that might just be a coincidence but based on my experience I don’t think it is. I want to continue my career which is why I have returned to work so I don’t miss much. It’s hard but it’s what I need to do if I’d like to progress in the career it’s not a choice I made lightly at all. I wish I could have both.

I did my research and if you ever need it :

Yes, there are products called girth sleeves, cock sleeves, or penis sheaths designed specifically to add width and thickness. These items are made from materials like silicone, rubber, or TPE and slide over an erect penis

AND

Surgery: Procedures like suspensory ligament release (ligamentolysis) can make a flaccid penis hang lower, and fat injections or silicone implants (such as Penuma) can add girth, but they carry high risks of infection, scarring, and deformed erections.

So if his concern was your pleasure...he has options to improve his gift to you ✨️

Bless those children, you and your family 🥰🌿

Don't worry OP there are people on this forum who do accept that men are humans too and can make thoughtless mistakes now and then and that it's how they deal with having upset you that means most.

You sound like you have a great, respectful, adult relationship.

And that is your take on it, everyone is entitled to feel how they feel. Most of us would feel insecure after that comment

He was nasty to say that.

If you are worried I can assure you you will get your tightening up muscles back with practice.