AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

Absolutely - life is short and that’s if you’re lucky.

It comes across as they wouldn’t out of spite

🤣🤣🤣

The DH made a thoughtless, tactless and mean comment and OP responded in a mature, emotionally thoughtful way. I think that’s a great thing. A marriage is more than the occasional thoughtless comment or mistake. It’s a working relationship which takes years sometimes to perfect. I’m glad it has worked out OP.

I wouldn't want to have sex with him, not out of spite but because it would kill my mood. I'd be too hurt and self conscious to have sex with him.

Totally agree with this.

And when suggestions for specific advice have been pushed back on posters, they have become markedly less vocal.

Sorry guys, today is not the day that the OP wants to LTB.

Well OP he is factually correct.

But we live in a world where a looser stretched vagina is something to be ashamed of. Apparently we’ve got to be childless virgins forever . FFS this is the problem! You are just as sexy if not more so! You have had his babies and he should be worshipping your expanded vagina and being so glad it did expand ( think of the alternative!) and writing odes to its elasticity - and sonnets to the fact you have endured an episiotomy. Literally having your vagina cut to prevent a bigger tear. Discuss this with him. Mention the fact you also spent 9 months using huge amounts of your bodily resources, growing a baby and also a placenta which is actually incredible - a whole new body part FFS. What body resources did he provide?(Hint: 10cc) What new body part did he produce? (None) How would he like someone to approach his cock with a pair of scissors?? ( He wouldn’t) How would he like to be judged as somehow deficient after this experience???
Im remembering 40 years ago, after a 10lb 3oz first baby and an episiotomy (performed by an incompetent) that was outdoing the Bayeux tapestry in its number of stitches …
Tight? I couldn’t have sex for a year and had to undergo reconstructive surgery. My darling husband was the sweetest kindest most sympathetic person and never made me feel I was somehow less because I’d been changed by the experience of giving birth.
Ok rant over! And I’m glad you have had an adult convo with him to explain your feelings.
Rejoice in your expanded vagina! It did what it is designed to do! Shame his cock can’t keep up is what I’d say! But I think you are kinder….
He’s been awfully insensitive and I hope he’s realised it. He’s a very lucky guy OP

Please don't use sex as a weapon. Definitely calmly discuss what was said because he said it, it hurt you, what does he expect you to do about it? I know an amazing home remedy, or ask him to pay for your spa & vaj refresh. Love that you were in the mood after 3 kids! You are a goddess ✨️ 😍

I would be interested to know how he might feel if you were to say to him that you were not able to feel him inside you as you used to, is he sure his errections are the same size as they were before? Chances are that would make him feel shit about himself possibly, in the same way he has made you feel- not from a place of malice but as a comparable response to his thoughtless comment. Interested to know what he was hoping to achieve by telling you this as well?

Of course you might feel a bit different post part to him but actually from a physiological perspective there is very little difference after giving birth by a few months time.

Bearing in mind that you have created an entire human being from scratch, and delivered a baby which is no mean feat, I would find it very difficult to not be hurt but also insanely angry at the arrogance of my husband to make such a comment.

Not a turn on in any way- and no harm in telling him that his thoughtless and hurtful comment has or could impact how you perceive your sex life moving forwards, if that is how you feel.

You definitely shouldn’t feel any shame, you have done something miraculous in having his baby, and I’m fuming really on your behalf at this kind of comment. Men really don’t understand how much trauma pregnancy and delivery can change a woman’s body, and he should be a bit more grateful and thankful that he has a loving wife and mother for his children.

Don’t entertain any negativity towards yourself please- you are a legend and deserve to be loved and cherished

I would have a conversation and explain that that's what happens when you squeeze a human being out of your vagina and did he miss biology at school. He may be a good husband and father but he's an emotionally backward human being or a bit thick.

Of course he knew he said it. Just talk to him- if he’s decent, he’ll be horrified and will apologise

Thank you all for the advice and different perspectives. I do genuinely appreciate people taking the time to reply, even when their views are different from mine. Not agreeing with someone doesn’t mean I think my way is the only right way we all approach relationships and situations through our own different experiences. I believe I am able to feel how I feel about things there isn’t just one feeling that everyone has to have for every situation we are all different.

I think where some of the responses have felt quite polarised with little to no balance is that there seems to be an assumption that because I’m not ending my marriage over one comment I must not value myself or that I’m minimising what was said. That isn’t the case.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 9. We love each other, we enjoy each other’s company, and he consistently makes me feel loved and valued. Was the comment awful? Yes. Did it hurt me? Yes. That’s why I brought it up with him. But I’m also looking at it within the context of our relationship that I like to think I know after 15 years.

We’ve since spoken about it and I’m satisfied with how he responded. For me, a healthy relationship isn’t one where nobody ever says the wrong thing, it’s one where you can acknowledge when you’ve hurt each other, have an honest conversation, and move forward without allowing resentment to build.

I want my children to grow up seeing that relationships involve communication, accountability and the ability to repair things I believe this situation is worth repairing and worth having a conversation. I don’t want them to learn that every difficult moment means walking away, but equally I don’t want them to learn to ignore things that hurt them. There has to be a balance.

If this became a pattern, if he regularly made comments that undermined me or dismissed my feelings then of course that would be a different situation. But based on the 15 years I have known him, this was out of character. I think I’m allowed to take into account the person I actually know and the way he has treated me over many years.

We have been through some incredibly difficult things together. We lost our first child to cancer something I genuinely don’t think I could have survived without his support. We have three wonderful children who we both adore and parenting has always been a shared responsibility. I don’t appreciate the assumptions about our marriage that goes beyond this comment. People making up stuff to suit the narrative. The post was specifically about the comment I am happy with my marriage.

I’ve also seen comments about me being a “trad wife”? Because I didn’t come here to insult him nor do I believe insulting him fixed anything it certainly won’t make me feel better. Not sure how I’m a trad wife but he works four days instead of 5 now and I work two days. He has done that even when the older ones were little. The reality is much less simplistic. He has always been very involved with our children, including taking care of the baby on his days off so I can continue my career that he has immensely supported me with.I guess trad wives can have careers to ahaha. We both would love the luxury of being home full-time with our youngest, but that isn’t our reality. We have a mortgage, bills, school fees and responsibilities, so we make decisions that work for our family.
I think some of the responses have involved quite a lot of assumptions about my relationship and my choices. I’m not saying nobody should have found the comment upsetting,I did which was why I posted. I’m simply saying that my response to it is my choice, and choosing to have a conversation with my husband rather than condemn him doesn’t mean I lack self respect.

I know my husband, I know our relationship, and I know the context that exists beyond this. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong in the future, but at this point there is no pattern that suggests that. I’m comfortable addressing the issue, talking about it and not dwelling on it. I don’t see any purpose is holding resentment over it with someone I am married to. You can’t live like that it just creates a toxic environment which I don’t want my children to grow up in.

So forgive me if I don’t hate my husband or that I have not packed my bags and left due to one incident in the whole 15 years.

I agree and I would probably feel the same as you. The comment I’m referring to though doesn’t come across as that would be the reason why they would withhold it and I’m not the only one to take it that way based on other comments

I haven't seen one person expecting perfection or claiming to be perfect themselves.

I am far from a perfect person but I'd never make such a fucking stupid, insensitive and cruel comment to someone I love.

You can want to hold someone accountable for their fuck up without being perfect yourself.

At best incredibly insensitive , it would be more than a miracle if you were as tight as before.You need to talk to him about this and let him know how hurtful it was.

Do you not think that's just as nasty a comment?

The horrible 'tinkly laugh' comment is particularly horrible.

I will repeat what i said on page 11 If someone said that to me it would affect my confidence as well as my trust in that person. I need to feel sexually confident, relaxed and be able to trust that person. If those things are undermined i would not be able to have sex with that person. Let alone orgasm because that involves being completely able to let go. So theres that pesky trust again. There is an orgasm gap between men and women as it is. Its got nothing to do with withholding. And everything to do with being made to feel less of a woman by this sort of comment. Feeling sexy and womanly is a precursor to fulfilling sex . Hope thats clear enough!

That's the point.

How do you mean?

Tbf you wouldnt actually say the "tinkly laugh" bit.

Could also leave it out if it makes it less horrible.

Sure.

But his comment doesn’t fall into any of these categories. It’s not a row, a sharp word or a thoughtless comment. It just isn’t.

That a man who loves you, who just had sex with you, who you share 3 children with, could make such a demeaning, nasty comment would stop me in my tracks.

You started your OP by saying how upset you felt, but subsequent posts have really minimised this & you appear to be saying that it’s now resolved.

Does it not bother you at all how your H perceived you, to talk about your body in that way?

Most posters are not advocating divorce or anything like it. But it’s a really worrying remark & I do wonder how you can so easily move on from it?

The comment is to show a man how a woman feels when something like that is said to them.

I wouldn't say it but I can see why some advise it.

So a bit of a fuss about nothing in your opinion? (not the rest of us)

I’m very sorry about the loss of your first child, that’s so hard.

I agree with everything you are saying about discussing and resolving issues. But where is that happening here? What was his explanation for what he said? Can you not see that’s not a ‘thoughtless’ comment? For him to say it, he clearly viewed you and your body in a certain way, and articulated it. It’s really hard to imagine a loving, connected spouse doing that.

Oops. I forgot to ask for the husband stitch, you know, just to make absolutely sure that after pushing your children into the world, my genitals are exactly how you like them.