AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I asked, because it's a really common response for a bloke to accuse a woman of being over sensitive when she tries to raise something she's upset about.

I'm glad he didn't and that it all went well and you're happy now.

I'm really not sure what you were hoping to get from the thread though. Its a chat forum - people will have opinions. Especially if you post about your husband doing something unkind and dickish and which has upset you. People will ask questions. That's kind of how it works 🤷‍♀️

This is why.

I am not here for people to agree with me. My view isn’t superior but there’s no point in me sharing how the conversation went when it seems as though people want me to react a certain way for my feelings to be valid, there isn’t a balanced approach. I haven’t said my husbands comment was nice, I was pretty upset but I also like to discuss things calmly like adults I don’t need to insult him as some have suggested I don’t think that works for me and won’t make me feel any better.

I’m not sure how else to go about it. I quite like MN but I’ll think twice next time.

This will continue to happen to women if they continue to be playthings for men. Women, who sometimes opt for a caesarean for no other reason than to 'keep it tight' there. Even sillier women who pay fortunes for perineoplasty, vaginal repair for non-medical reasons, purely to please men.
A grown-up conversation will be not along the lines 'your dick' shrank, because it is a lie and helps noone, but to say 'yes, you are right, is not tight, will never be the same, but I also have to have pleasure, as you correctly said, so I propose penile girth enhancement using hyaluronic acid, £4000, these injections will add volume and fullness, I think it is a fair decision, we both decided to have children and as a grown man you know the consequences of 3 child births for vaginas, so your move now'.

I’m glad it went well and you are feeling happier about it. And it is great you were able to have an adult conversation about this after. We are all curious what he said though….

It wasn’t during sex. It was after. They had sex again the following morning, so obviously OP doesn’t set as much store by it as posters here. That’s because she knows her DH. She says he’s a good man and a good dad, and that she likes as well as loves him.

One crass comment doesn’t change all of that and doesn’t undermine a good marriage, no matter how much the vultures on MN would like it to. No- it’s not a normal comment, but as you say, it’s not marriage ending either, and ‘keeping it in mind’ is not part of the marriage OP has described, because it harbours resentment, which is not what she wants.

OP doesn’t sound as though she’s a ‘plaything’ for her husband. At all.

Never said she was, I was alluding to where this sensitivity about the facts of life comes, that is all.

I don't know why you keep going on about divorce.

I haven't seen a single comment saying she should divorce him.

Saying that the comment deserves serious consideration as its not a normal thing for a kind, loving man to say does not equal LTB.

Why does everything have to immediately become polarised?

OP asked for opinions (literally posted an AIBU) and has got them. It was unlikely that all the opinions would be the same.

Im not sure why you are not telling us how he responded. What difference does it make

I was responding to another poster saying she didn’t consider it marriage ending and agreeing. How is that going on about divorce ? I made an observation that this thread gives an insight into why the divorce rate is so high. And I stand by it - you only have to look at some of the comments.

I agree. My DH is a wonderful man and occasionally he will say something factual that might sting for me. And we talk about it. Why he said it, why I was upset. Generally we use this formula: When you said ... I felt ... and we talk about it. And I'm sure I do the same, except he never mentions it.

And we always resolve it, because we are adults who love and respect each other. We don't indulge in insults or shouting because it doesn't work and creates more drama.

OP has watched a lot of shit being thrown at her DH with no respect for the fact that, despite the comment, he is her husband, she loves him, he’s a good man and a good dad. She didn’t ask for any of that, so why are you surprised that she doesn’t want to share any more detail and risk more of it ?

That's one way of approaching it, or OP could just do ongoing pelvic floor exercises like you're advised to after giving birth.

They will help tighten vaginal muscles and provide bladder support as she gets older and improve pelvic blood flow which can improve sex/orgasms so it's a win win situation.

Because she allowed it to be quickly brushed under the carpet.

I very much doubt that. OP sounds as though she’s the adult in the room and had the adult conversation. That she doesn’t want to share the details is understandable given the shit that’s been thrown at her DH as a result of her post. She clearly doesn’t want to invite more of the same by sharing that she and her DH have talked things over like the reasonable people they are and are absolutely fine as a result. It’s not the outcome MN wanted.

The first comment on the thread is literally saying they’d withhold sex!

They didn’t use that phrase, and it’s not clear that they’d do it out of spite (which is my interpretation of the term ‘withhold’) just that they wouldn’t want to have sex much if/after that had been said.

@SillyPeachAnt This is a shockingly insensitive and horrible comment. I can’t imagine any sensible or decent man making it - there’s no situation in which I could imagine ‘he said it without thinking’ being an excuse, because he shouldn’t be thinking in these terms.

I’ll try to explain what I mean:

1. ”You’re not as tight as you used to be” - ‘Tight’ is a misogynistic standard that women are held to about an intimate body part. It is reductive and vile.
2. “Sex has felt a bit different for me since you had the baby” - This is factual, and not inherently misogynistic, and while I still think it would be unbelievably insensitive to say this to you at your stage of the postpartum journey when you’ve just had sex for the first time (or frankly at any point unless it was directly linked to him having performance issues), at least it is more neutral.

He has used the language of #1 not #2, so best-case scenario, he thinks in those misogynistic terms and has accidentally (as opposed to deliberately) let it slip out.

Or alternatively, he’s not perfect, as most of us aren’t. Except, apparently, on MN.

You know they’ll be really disappointed now? That isn’t the outcome they wanted.

This. LTB is the gold standard. The notion that some people have strong marriages that can actually survive these set backs because both partners are adults and can discuss things sensibly without a major ruck seems to be alien to MN.

@SillyPeachAnt What reason did he give you for saying such a mean comment?

One day, in the dim distant future, the sun will expand and the earth will burn up. Life will end. We’ll all be well dead by then anyway. What we have is life now. One life. Why spend it thinking the worst of everything and encouraging discord.

She’s not going to tell you. I don’t blame her.

I don't think posters should be ordering OP what to do (although I don't personally think her DH does sound very good, maybe he us normally nice but he should have some self control).

Don't you think his comment is pretty unpleasant though? The OP gave birth to his child and had a tear, what did he think labour would entail?