AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

The spirit in which things are said is what matters.

He sounds like a good guy - he just made a passing comment with no malice in it. He knows your genitalia well and commented on a change - best not to interpret it as a criticism. If it was so awful he would not have come back for a second helping this morning!

Just put it out of your mind and enjoy having a good man in your life.

You’ve never met him. OP is married to him, and has been for nine years. She says it wasn’t malicious and they’ve had the conversation and sorted it out. Why isn’t that enough for you ? Not everything needs to be LTB if you’re an adult.

Talk to him about what he said, how it made you feel and the lasting impact. Its not yours to fix or find a solution.

"DH, after wd had sex last night you said I wasn't as tight as I used to be. I'm upset because we both chose to have children and the reality is that I'm not as tight as I was. I'm upset because even if you acknowledge being insensitive, it is a literal fact that can't be changed and its made me feel awful about myself. It's also madr me think less of you because you shouldn't have been so insensitive as to say it, even if it's what you were thinking because you know no good can come from it and its also a pretty disgusting and objectified comment on women in general. I dont want you to just say sorry, i want you to really just sit and think about why, after having sex with someone you love, you would choose to make a casually hurtful comment, because frankly you wouldn't have said that to a one night stand and I'm disappointed that you didn't show a bit more tact to me as the mother of your kids than you would to a random stranger."

Wow so he got away with it. Got sex straight away and will continue to plus no real consequences for putting down a woman's post partum body. The bar is lower than I thought.

Oh come on. 🙄I think you could canvass a million men and ask them whether this was a good thing to say to a woman, and one million would say, shit no. I gasped when I read it, it's SO outrageous.

‘Well, you’ve always been on the small size, DH, so you’re not really hitting my spot these days’. Then email him ads for penis enhancers.

Alternatively, send him the link to this thread. He’s insensitive and uncaring. You shouldn’t have to explain to him why he’s hurt you.

This thread is starting to feel a bit weird.....

I'm starting to wonder in the OP is genuine and indeed a woman - 'she' sounds like a robot on repeat with all the 'talk like adults', 'have a conversation' (albeit a very delayed one), 'good father and husband'. Sounds like someone from the manosphere - accept any old crap but yeah as long as you can talk 'like adults' about it and not get too offended.

Guys relax we have spoken I am happy with how the conversation went. I think that should be enough the comment was to me not to anyone on here there seems to be very strong opinions on him based on assumptions yes he made a disgusting comments yes I am upset but we have since spoken about it like adults I’m not going to hold this over him what is the point of that I want a healthy marriage where we can speak about things.

I know my husband or I like to think I do after 15 years but I guess the next reply will be you never truly know a person….well the 15 years I’ve known I’m he’s been pretty consistent otherwise I wouldn’t have married him 9 years ago or had children with him and I am willing to accept that he did not mean the comment maliciously we are both adults of course if it turns into a pattern of behaviour then that’s a different story. I’m not planning on holding resentment towards him over this otherwise what’s the point of being married.

Well I’m glad you’ve talked, and you feel happy with the outcome op.

Awful.
tell him imagine if he’d had penis injury /surgery and you don’t him ‘you’re not as hard as you used to be’ while in bed, how he would feel?

And who’s to say that this was just something that came out clumsy, or a thought that he articulated out loud without meaning to ? OP has had the conversation and sorted it out. Clearly that’s not enough for some posters who were expecting some sort of marriage blow up. Thankfully the adults were in the room.

And no - I’ve never knowingly or intentionally insulted a partner during sex, or as in OP’s case just after it. I have said things clumsily that have given the wrong impression. But the difference here is that I have people around me who love me and know me, and are prepared to accept that I don’t always articulate very well, and don’t rush to perceived maliciousness as a default. As opposed to many posters here who are clearly very disappointed that OP has handled this like the calm and sensible adult she is, and hasn’t blown her marriage apart.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread on MN that demonstrates so clearly why the divorce rate is so high.

Kegels

What an insensitive shit.

And without knowing DH you can’t possibly know in what sense it was said. On the surface it’s crass and hurtful. But it depends on what kind of person he is - and only OP can know that.

Sometimes, in a relationship, it’s best to step back, take a measured look at the situation in the context of the whole relationship before reacting especially where children are concerned. There will be unforgettable, hurtful things said and done in a long marriage but think about the outcome you want then act.

Thought better of my original comment. If you're sure he was being stupid rather than hurtful, perhaps better not to retaliate...but I do wonder how he'd react to a comment about his lasting power.

Well it's true that if you had a natural birth you're likely to not be as tight. For him it's a thoughtless observation, for you something to dwell on for weeks. Tell him this was an insensitive comment and to not make any more like that. He will likely reassure you that he still loved it and he doesn't care. Also get started on some exercises down there. I did mine a few times a day and now I'm like a virgin down there lol.

You're recent replies are a bit weird, you must have evknoen people would want you to say what his reaction was and yet you had 2 posts stating you had talked to him without mentioning this . And then when you quoted someone asking you you didn't really answer. Very odd

Nope. OP comes across as level headed, loves her DH and doesn’t automatically default to ‘all men are shit’. She values her marriage and sorted it out like the adult in the room - which is more than can be said for a lot of posters here. I’m actually quite surprised OP posted for advice in the first place, because it sounds as though she’s got this. And I’ll bet after this experience she thinks twice about posting again. MN at it’s finest.

I wouldn’t be prepared to share the details after the way the thread went almost from the start. OP clearly doesn’t share the MN collective opinion that all men are shite. Hopefully she’ll think twice before asking for ‘advice’ on AIBU again.

Makes me wonder why anybody would bother to have sex after such a comment. Just awful.

Absolutely this. There are three children to consider here, including a newborn and yet there are posters positively baying for a major bust up.

This is funny because I am actually genuinely a woman. Women can have different views and perspectives. If you disagree report the post and not interact.

I’m allowed to have my own opinion on how I handle issues in my marriage. What do you expect ? For me to divorce him as this sums up who I’ve known for the last 15 years.

I like my husband a lot and like being married to him I also like speaking to him about things that bother me sometimes it’s delayed I’m not perfect I don’t have the perfect way of raising issues at all times. I’ve said stuff to him previously that he’s had to come and have a level headed conversation with me about. We aren’t perfect our marriage isn’t perfect but we do try our best and we make each other happy. We have 3 wonderful children that we love very much and they’ll be lots and lots of moments where we disagree, where we say stuff to each other in frustration that we don’t mean etc, we will disagree about how to deal with certain situations when our children are older, there’s so much.

So you admit that you’ve never said anything insulting during sex.

That’s the issue here.

It wasn’t that DH said something that came out wrong or gave a clumsy compliment that OP found offensive.
It was a direct insult that didn’t need saying.

It would be no different to you or OP randomly telling their DP that they’ve had sex with men with much larger dicks.
It probably is true but you know never to say it because you love and respect your DH.

I’m glad OP spoke to him and cleared the air.

I would not end my relationship over this but this is not a normal comment to make (especially after the third child, why not the first) and so this sudden change in behaviour would raise a red flag in my head and I think OP would be wise to keep it in mind whilst also moving on from this particular episode.