AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I definitely wouldn’t have sex with him again no wonder am single

Have you never said something that you’ve instantly regretted and not known how to handle it ? Never expressed a thought out loud that you shouldn’t have done ? Never ? OP says he’s a good husband and a good father. There are adult ways of approaching this and letting him know that he may have meant it matter of factly but it hurt. None of these ways involve trading insults, weaponising sex or LTB - all of which have been suggested in various ways.

It was a horrible comment, but it doesn’t make him thick or cruel. What matters is how he reacts to OP needing to discuss it.

I have never been violent, but would honestly struggle not to kick him in the nuts for that comment.

Oh, come on, woman!

Get over yourself!

Of course your vulva is going to be different after having several babies!

He was just commenting on how it felt different having sex with you.

He wasn't criticising, or being nasty. He was 'just saying '.

Please don't' fixate on something so trivial.

What an irresistible put down he just HAD to make.

There is just something in the human mind that has to inflict pain on people, even if they are your loved ones.

Sorry OP. You didn’t deserve it.

We have now spoken about it like you say what’s been said has been said.

I mean we both work otherwise we wouldn’t be able to afford our children’s prep school fees.

We are lucky his parents live somewhat close to us so they can have our youngest whilst I work. I’ve just gone back to work twice a week one day from home and one from the office. He works 4 days a week and stays home with our youngest on his day off.

I feel as though we both do as much as we can. We would both love to stay at home with our youngest but we have bills to pay. He’d love to only work 2 days a week like me but we can’t really afford that if that makes me a trad wife then okay ?

If he instantly regretted it, would he not also have instantly apologised profusely? He genuinely does sound either thick or cruel, given he casually dropped a comment that everyone over the age of 12 knows is an incredibly insulting thing to say to a woman, and doesn't even seem aware of his faux pas given he hasn't apologised of his own accord.

Hopefully he'll react with mortified apologies and try to make amends, but what's said can't be unsaid, and I imagine that feeling of insecurity and inadequacy may linger in OP's head for some time, even if he is sorry.

I have said plenty of things that have come out wrong or clumsy.

I’ve never told my partner that I think his penis is small or that it’s smaller than other men I’ve been with.

I’ve never insulted a man whilst I’ve been having sex with him.

What sorts of things have you said that have been insulting during sex?

I am glad you said it, much as I despair about our medical staff, this simply never happened.

‘Weaponising sex’ is gross. It implies that one person is entitled to sex, and another is obligated to provide it, whether they want to or not.
Not wanting to have sex with someone because they’ve behaved a certain way isn’t weaponising sex at all. No one should feel obligated to do it if they don’t want to.

No grown man and husband would think that’s acceptable thing to say.
it is obviously hurtful with devastating impact on self esteem and self confidence.
He has ruined something now because even if he apologies for it when told to do so -you’ll know that’s what he really thinks

My reaction would have been 'no shit. I've had 3 heads through my vagina.'

Terrible heartless comment - shame on him 😡
yes talk this through if he ever would like to make love (clue in the name here) with you !
lovely Mumma you deserve so much more 😘🤗

That’s a pretty grim comment for him to make and I very much doubt he’s never made any insensitive/tactless comments before…
For context I have 3 children, 3rd degree tear and episiotomy for my first, 3rd degree tear for my second after I went for a natural birth again after being told I’d be super unlucky for it to happen again and then a c-section for my 3rd after being advised against a natural birth.
My husband has never said anything about tightness, scars, stretch marks or the varicose veins that have appeared over the course of having the children and getting older.
That comment for me shows a total lack of respect, how would he have felt if you had said ‘gosh your erection isn’t as hard as it used to be?!
I guarantee that comment wouldn’t just be shrugged off with whatever explanation you gave if he asked you further about it.
It was a hurtful comment about something personal when you’re vulnerable, I’m not sure I could just get over it…

It’s not just that the comment is gross, and hurtful, which it is.

It’s the fact that it’s a very specific comment linked to an intimate act, one that requires a strong degree of trust and vulnerability. That’s what makes sex in long term relationships good and meaningful.

To comment in a gross, stereotypical way about his DW in that way, who has recently given birth, is more than a thoughtless comment, said without understanding the impact. It speaks to him as a person, who he is, regardless of OP’s declaration of him as a good husband and father.

I cannot understand how you had sex with him again without addressing this. And really wonder how you show up for yourself in this relationship, and what you are prepared to tolerate.

I would find it very hard to know how to move on from here. Not over one comment, but what it says about him as a person.

Ah the double put down- Yeah OP, don't fixate on something as trivial as your own self esteem, or whether your husband cares that he's really upset you!

😳

Are you a bloke?

I think the difficulty is it has been said, it's what he is thinking and he meant it, unkindly or not. He can't take it back, apology is a bit pointless as it won't make you feel any better, it is likely to be in the forefront of your mind every time you have sex now, that it isn't as good for him. I also can't believe he doesn't know how unacceptable that comment is, it's unforgivable.
I remember my husband snapping at me once that he didn't get married to do his own cooking, cleaning etc! One look at my face had him stammering that it came out wrong, he didn't mean it like that! He bloody did, he said exactly what he was thinking. 30 years later I still take the piss out of him for that but I couldn't forgive or laugh at your husbands comment. What is he going to be like when the menopause hits. Does he look at your babies and think "thanks for ruining my sex life" he needs to give his head a wobble.

So how did he take it, OP?

Was he understanding and apologetic?

Do you feel satisfied that he understands what he did wrong?

Or did he brush it off and tell you to stop being over sensitive?

I completely understand why you see it that way, and I agree that the comment was thoughtless and hurtful. It did upset me, which is why I brought it up with him and we’ve since spoken about it.

I don’t think choosing to have a conversation with my husband rather than immediately deciding what it says about him as a person means I don’t value myself or that I’m tolerating something unacceptable. We are both adults in a long term relationship and I think part of a healthy relationship is being able to tell someone when they’ve hurt you and allow them the opportunity to listen, apologise and do better.

A single thoughtless comment doesn’t necessarily define someone’s entire character just as my reaction to it doesn’t define my self-worth. What matters to me is the pattern of behaviour, and how someone responds when you tell them they’ve hurt you.

He knew exactly what he was saying and that it would sting. Come on now, he's a grown man, not some 10 year old boy.

'Just saying' something that shouldn't have been said. It's insensitive at best and cruel at worst, depending on his motivation for making that comment.

Women are much more vulnerable during sex than men are, especially when they have just had a baby, and her DH said something that certainly wasn't a compliment and was probably a criticism.

It obviously wasn't 'trivial' to OP or she wouldn't have made a thread about it. You can't just dismiss her feelings like you have done, implying that she is being really unreasonable to be bothered by this.

@SillyPeachAnt you know your own husband! mine would blurt out something like that as it's factual without for a second meaning harm, just it's in his head and out it comes 🥴🤦‍♀️ maybe you should just have said " no shit sherlock" i'm sure he will be mortified when you explain how it made you feel ❤️

He didn’t tell me to stop being over sensitive ? I’m confused why he’d say that when I’m telling him how I feel.

I am satisfied with our conversation It’s not a pattern of behaviour and I’m quite happy with him always have been so I guess I will have to see if it becomes a pattern of behaviour.

You’re a man aren't you ? Tell the truth.

Ask yourself this, if when he gets a bit older he starts to have trouble getting hard, are you likely to say "Oh you feel different when you're all soft". If you have half a brain cell you won't say that. He either wanted to hurt you, or he's monumentally thick. Not sure which I prefer. But I think it's the former, and I wonder what he's laying the groundwork for? More blow jobs? You trying harder and harder in the bedroom to make up for your "short comings"? He's sown his little seed in your head now. And he knows it. And you've just had his baby. What a prize dickhead.