AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

This was the last line of the OP I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

It’s pretty clear from the rest of the OP that DH is a good husband, a good father and clearly didn't mean to be hurtful or malicious. He said what he was obviously thinking in a matter of fact way, and for that reason it’s stayed with OP, and that’s why she wants to approach it again - to sort it out and let him know it was hurtful.

She asked a straight question - how do I approach it. In response there has been very little in the way of what I would call advice, and a lot of the usual horrible name calling, advice to weaponise sex, LTB, or otherwise blow up a good marriage to an otherwise good man, over one very careless comment.

OP didn’t ask for any of that. Nor did she ask for her DH to be called a prick or any of the other shit that posters to have so readily available to throw these days. Maybe that’s why she’s being defensive. As well as, by this point, quite probably regretting ever posting.

Apologies if I’m wrong and unless I’ve missed it, why didn’t you mention it to him this morning when you had sex again? Surely that was the perfect time? Why did you carry on when you know you’re feeling hurt?

Sometimes people say things without fully thinking them through, especially when with someone you're fully comfortable with. I know I have and dh has. I imagine it's one of those moments. Conaidering this is your third child, Id guess he wasn't surprised, more just a random observation.

I'd be sure to say how hurtful it was, but not in a confrontational way. If he seems surprised that it hurt you could ask him to consider what your body has been though, consider any changes in his own body over that time without the physical impact of multiple pregnancies etc. Id point out that you dont want to make future intimate moments uncomfortable, just to ask that he really considers if comments about your body are necessary!

the adult approach is to tell him how hurt and inadequate it made you feel.

my response would definitely have been similar to other suggestions on here - I wasn’t sure because im used to not being able to feel much of your dick with it being on the small side.

OP says he’s a good man and they have a good marriage. He made a very thoughtless, but nevertheless one off comment, clearly not meant maliciously. So why on earth would you accuse OP of having her bar ‘in the dirt’ ?

How does trading insults help to sort things out in an adult way though ?

I think some posters are being harsh.

OP is likely in shock.
She knows her DH and this was out of the ordinary for him.

This wasn’t a clumsy compliment like “I love your boobs now they’re bigger” or “I love how wobbly your belly is now” - comments that are genuine compliments but we can sometimes feel offended depending on how they’re said.

This was an insult.
It had no other meaning than a negative one.

I think I would be still in shock if my DH who I’ve known and loved for years gave me a direct insult about my body.

Of course I would worry that this is the tip of something way bigger and I’d keep an eye on any other red flags but I wouldn’t immediately throw away 15 years of marriage over it.

OP a lot of these responses have been very brutal and not acknowledged your feelings about it and how you want to move forward.

I think what you need to take from the thread, however the points have been expressed, is that you're not being unreasonable to be upset. So talk to him. If he recognises that what he said was insensitive and hurtful, all is good. But don't let him try to tell you that you're being too sensitive, you're not.

Nailed it.

‘Funny you think that, I thought your d*ck felt a lot smaller’

She had a baby in March, I’m pretty sure she already knew it wouldn’t be the same down there. Should her priority right now be tightening herself up for her husbands needs and desires? No. It’s rude and nothing will change my mind about that.

I say things sometimes without any thought and then spend years afterwards cringing at myself and over analysing why I said it.

I once had a friend tell me they had cancer. My response was ‘never mind’.

So, I don’t necessarily think what your husband said was intended to cause hurt or was malicious but the words he said are there now and he was a massive bellend for saying them and because there isn’t a man on the planet that doesn’t know that saying those words are insulting and nasty, your husband should have IMMEDIATELY said something to reassure you. I personally think a ‘chat’ with him will result in nothing, you’ll get ‘oh didn’t mean it like that’, ‘I don’t even remember saying it’. And you will be left now thinking your vagina is inadequate for him forever more because he’s put it in your head!

"I'm as tight as I've always been, dear. Your dick shrunk."

That’s an old urban myth - no surgeon would potentially do a repair with a wink to the husband for goodness sake!

'It’s pretty clear from the rest of the OP that DH is a good husband, a good father and clearly didn't mean to be hurtful or malicious'

He can't be that brilliant if he didn't realise what a massively insensitive and shit thing it was to say. He's either thick or cruel, neither very appealing traits.

Tell your clueless husband that giving birth is like pushing a pot roast through your nostril. Let him ponder that for whatever time it takes to catch on.

”In the US and the UK at least, the idea of a husband stitch seems to be primarily relegated to poor taste jokes or myths, rather than a systemic occurrence. There are cases I can find where people upon second examinations were believed to have been stitched too tightly, but it is difficult to determine whether this is from inexperience, poor training, or a mistake rather than on purpose. Obviously those occurrences are still things that we should work on bettering, but I wouldn't call them husband stitching either without more evidence”

No medics sniggering with husbands!

Bullshit. I enjoy sex but like a lot of women to enjoy it i need to feel confident relaxed and to trust the man that i am with. A comment like the one the OP got would have stopped me feeling all three. I havent had kids but am 53 now and have never had a comment like this said to me. Personally i would not be able to have sex with the man again if i had had this said to me but thats just me.

That really was cruel of him, OP. I'd have a chat and point out that given you've birthed 3 of his children and babies tend to grow quite big, that of course things are going to feel different. That you're incredibly proud of your body given what it's been through, and that he's very privileged to have access to it. Ergo he needs to keep his very stupid thoughts to himself in future regarding physical changes.

“you’re not as tight as you used to be.”
"Funny, I was thinking you're not as big as you used to be".

Wow, you’re really married to a peach, OP.

Imagine shaming a woman like that, the mother of this 3 children.

I’d be interested to see what you say to him and how he responds. He may apologise but what’s said can’t be unsaid.

Fair play to you though for being able to have sex with him after a comment like that. And because you actually want to than because you feel obliged.
Judging by the comments I’ve read here, the collective vaginas of this thread are clamping shut at the mere thought of it.

Don’t suppose you’re a trad wife, are you,,,..?

This.

No man could say that and not know how upset his wife would be.

Same as any woman knows if she ever said 'You used to have so much more hair on that part of your head' or 'It doesn't seem to get as hard as when you were younger dear' would upset her husband.

I can only think that he either meant to hurt op, or just didn't care if she was upset.

He’s an idiot full stop no need justifying that hes a good dad blah blah blah he’s either a twat or he has no common sense