AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

Isn’t it more heartless to treat dc’s partner like one of your own and then not treat them like that when they split up? If they were one of your own, they would be part of your family for life.

It’s better to have realistic expectations from the start. It would be a shame for OP’s nieces to lose the love of an aunt due to unrealistic expectations from step-nieces parents.

It will cost you £2k for both of your brother's step children. They've been around for eight years.
Is it worth losing your brother over this?

Well you’re suggesting that you’re treating this adult like one of your own and that the normal thing to do in your family. Which implies you think OP was unreasonable. I’m just asking how far that goes. If your treating them the same because you spent £50 on them for their birthday like you did your kids then that’s very easy to take the moral high ground but it’s not comparable to a big gift that OP is expected to provide. If you’ve recently gifted your DC a car and plan to do the same for their DP, then that’s fair enough

I do think she is unreasonable but not for not giving 1k, more for such a huge difference and not being more upfront with her brother. I dont think treating them the same means exactly the same monetary value for gifts, that's so superficial. There's way more to life. It is the not blood relatives comments I find unpleasant but like I say, its just my opinion, you or anyone else dont need to agree with me but I certainly wont be changing my views.

What did your parents say to him? They they agree with him?

I don’t think I’ll lose him over this. I suppose if he chose to cut contact with me over this then I don’t mean very much to him. I’m not going to be emotionally blackmailed into giving my money away. If he tried that line, I’d think WTF.

I think he's in the wrong and extremely cheeky. I think, he should have spoken to you in advance to let you know it wouldn't be expected. Difficult situation for you when you're obviously in the position to be very generous to your nieces.

Good for you, I think you’ve been perfectly fair. I expect his wife is giving him grief over it, and it’s more to do with saving them money than any perceived injustice.

the OP’s brother is not her dad. She has a father who she sees regularly.

It's a tricky one. I've been the wealthy sibling. I paid for loads during my nieces and nephews childhoods. I was ill for two years, deaths door. I only saw one of the blighters!
Just tell your brother you don't have that money spare ATM.

I posted further up in the thread, I was the one who alled your brother grabby and passive aggressive

I think you are getting a hard time in the latter posts. Most, I am guessing couldn't be bothered to read the full thread and relevant information.

You sound like a brilliant Aunty and Step Aunty. You have been generous and kind to your Step Niece and she was grateful. 17 year old girls are easily disgruntled (I have one not long past that age) and often wear their heart/emotions on their sleeve, had she been unhappy there would have been signs. All the presumptions of her rejection, low self worth are exactly that presumptions. Yet the whole thread weighs in on your brother's presumptions of your £1000.

It's totally relevant that your Step Niece has regular contact her biological father. Surely he is the first port of call for a generous birthday present or any immediate family on that side.

Still think don't say anything, but also be prepared for him or being unable to 'keep it all in'

I was the wealthy childless aunt, took my niece and nephew to Disneyland Paris and on the way back they started ranking their favourite aunts. I was last on my nephews rank, my wife, their aunt through marriage was higher than me 👍

If I have understood correctly, the step niece doesn't even live with the OP's brother full time?

She was covering the driving lessons for her nieces when her step niece was a ten yr old newly in the family. If I commit to a £2000 expense for my nieces it wouldn't occur to me that that bound me to a further £2000 cost 7 yr+ down the line to children that have just come into my life.

I don’t think it’s at all heartless not to treat someone as something that they aren’t. Nor is it treating them as a ‘second class citizen’. Op isn’t this girl’s aunt, and the relationship she has with her is a completely different to the ones she has with her actual nieces.

I’d say 73% is probably about right. In my experience, personal and professional, the families that insist that no distinction be made between blended and nuclear families are the exception, not the rule. The idea that you ‘must’ treat biological and step relatives exactly the same or woe betide you and your house is an attitude I’ve only really encountered on Mumsnet.

Yes in your opinion, certainly not my experience in RL.

I understood the opposite. If thats the case I think its different for sure.

Sure, in my opinion, based on my own real life experience. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because decent people would treat them the same. Not decent people would treat them differently. It’s normal to demand decent behaviour from extended family.

Exactly, but same for me. Neither of us are right or wrong but the way your post read felt very much you saying it was factual. Apologies that I misunderstood the tone.

My experience is the opposite, it’s only on MN I find large groups of people who are bio-relationships obsessed and very stingy /miserly

IRL I suspect it's quite common to appreciate that people will have varying perspectives and experiences.

The same people might even feel differently depending on what's being given. Common enough for people to do parity for Christmas, birthdays and so on but distinguish when it comes to inheritance or substantial financial gifts. Personally we always give a present to all, but the issue of larger money questions hasn't raised its head.

That’s fine. I do not doubt there are areas and social groups in which it is much more common.

If we're going to argue that it's not worth losing the relationship for the sake of £2k, then surely it won't be too great a hardship for the brother to not receive that money for his stepchildren? After all, he'll care more about the relationship than money... won't he?

The irony of describing someone who spent more on her nieces than their own father did as "miserly"...