Page 17 | AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/08/2026 07:41

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 07:11

My nieces are now 23 and 24, step children are 17 and 15. I don’t know if she knows about the money we have given to the older ones. My parents didn’t give their opinion.

If they would have all had their birthdays at the same time, I wouldn’t have given her £1k as she isn’t my niece. She has her own relatives. The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

Show quote history

You could have the conversation about his double standards - that he knows his own daughters don’t get treated by new family and don’t get treats his stepdaughters do, does he judge all those people? Or just his sister? Ask him how his daughters would feel if there’s never anything just for them but lots and lots just for the step daughters?

AutisticMumOf2 · 03/08/2026 07:42

XelaM · 03/08/2026 07:32

The OP's nieces also had to live with separated parents, between homes and with a new step-family they had no say in. I also doubt their step-mother treats them the same as her own kids.

Show quote history

And that’s OPs problem how? She had no say in the matter!

InNewYorkNoShoes · 03/08/2026 07:44

FilmsandBooks · 02/08/2026 10:43

I can’t imagine ever doing this. All of the stepchildren in my family are treated the same as the other kids. Cruel to do otherwise imo.

Same in my family. It’s not the kids fault they weren’t born into the family.
They all get the same gifts and treats.

Nearly50omg · 03/08/2026 07:53

ParsleySageToiletDuckAndBinBags · 03/08/2026 06:33

I'd really like to know if the step-niece's father gives the same to OP's nieces every time he gives money/presents to his own DD. If he doesn't, why on earth should OP?

Also, will he split his will four equal ways (assuming that he's the father of the step-nephew as well), when the time comes?

Edited

More to the point do the step kids’ aunts and uncles give presents to the op’s neices?!!

IonianNerveGrip · 03/08/2026 07:56

PrettyPickle · 03/08/2026 01:41

But that’s not what I’ve said at all. I haven’t claimed she was sobbing in a corner or demanding £1000. I’ve said the disparity itself sends a message, because it does, whether she outwardly reacts or not.

Teenagers don’t need to be told they’re “second‑tier” to notice a difference that big. They’re perfectly capable of clocking:

two girls got £1000 at 17
she got £50 and perfume

That’s not me deciding she’s upset. That’s just acknowledging how comparisons work inside families.

And even if she is perfectly polite and appreciative, which she probably is - that doesn’t magically erase the emotional reality of the situation. Most teenagers won’t announce hurt feelings to avoid awkwardness or conflict. They’ll smile, say thank you, and move on. It doesn’t mean the difference wasn’t noticed.
This isn’t about entitlement. It’s about the fact that £1000 vs £50 is a stark contrast, and stark contrasts carry meaning in close family settings.

Nobody is saying the OP must give £1000. Nobody is saying the step‑niece demanded it. The point is simply that the disparity exists, and it’s understandable that the brother, as her parent, would feel protective about how that lands.
You don’t have to agree with that, but it’s not unreasonable, and it certainly isn’t me “deciding” she’s upset. It’s just recognising the emotional maths that most people, especially teenagers, are very capable of doing.

Show quote history

As people keep telling you, you have no reason to believe DSD is even aware of the disparity. You've made that part up. Nothing OP has said indicates that she has any idea what was given to her stepsisters when she was in primary school. You're filling in a lot of blanks across this thread.

Nearly50omg · 03/08/2026 07:56

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 05:03

I am still not sure whether I should talk to my brother about this or ignore it and hope it passes. My husband thinks we should talk to him to clear the air.

The fact is that she isn’t my niece and I’m not going to give larger amounts of money to her. From our point of view, larger amounts are for our bio relatives only.

She has a father and other family including aunts and uncles that she sees.

If your brother is offended tell him fine then he can refund you the cost of the driving licences you paid for to make things fair!!!

Goodmorningeveryone26 · 03/08/2026 08:02

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 05:03

I am still not sure whether I should talk to my brother about this or ignore it and hope it passes. My husband thinks we should talk to him to clear the air.

The fact is that she isn’t my niece and I’m not going to give larger amounts of money to her. From our point of view, larger amounts are for our bio relatives only.

She has a father and other family including aunts and uncles that she sees.

Of course you need to speak to your brother if you think he’s upset about this. You can just explain what you’ve said on here - step nieces have other family. No need to be defensive or argumentative with each other

Summeriscumin · 03/08/2026 08:02

Do the step kids' family send the same value to all the children?

I think it's reasonable to do whatever the step family do. I suspect they do not spend equally.

PinkEasterbunny · 03/08/2026 08:03

AutisticMumOf2 · 03/08/2026 07:41

i would message him and say £50 was more than appropriate, they have their own family members who can pay for driving lessons and their own two parents for that matter. He’s being a CF.

Definitely!

mumumental · 03/08/2026 08:05

I wouldn’t treat step children differently and I do think it’s unkind.

Rpop · 03/08/2026 08:09

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 07:11

My nieces are now 23 and 24, step children are 17 and 15. I don’t know if she knows about the money we have given to the older ones. My parents didn’t give their opinion.

If they would have all had their birthdays at the same time, I wouldn’t have given her £1k as she isn’t my niece. She has her own relatives. The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

Show quote history

It’s so hard to comment. I have read all of your posts but I still can’t quite get a sense of the relationship between you and her. Or how much she is integrated into your brothers family versus her biological family. I think you’ve probably steered a sensible path through it. Sounds like she has her biological family very active in her life. If she rarely saw her own family and you were all her new family, then I would think it a bit off. But it doesn’t sound that way at all.

stillavid · 03/08/2026 08:12

Step children are very different to adopted children - someone compared the two previously.

If the OP's DB divorced she could quite possibly never see the step children again.

As a couple you may choose to treat all children equally in your blended family but you can not expect others will. In real life it is quite normal to for example leave money in wills via the blood line. When my step father died his children inherited - never occurred to me to think I should have received anything.

The OP gave a nice thoughtful gift.

Also it was quite a while ago that OP gave the £1k to her niece and at that time maybe she didn't even know if the step children would still be in her life.

Sassylovesbooks · 03/08/2026 08:14

How are your nieces treated by their step-Mum's family? Do they get treated exactly the same as your step-niece? Or is there a difference? Your step-niece has been in the family for 8 years, which is a fair amount but it's not the same as being in the family since being a toddler. Your step-niece also sees her Dad and his extended family.

Personally, I think you have been generous to your step-niece. It's not a given, that you should treat her exactly the same as your own niece's. She does have her Dad and his side of the family to receive gifts from too.

You helped your brother with driving lessons for your niece's, because you knew their Mum couldn't afford it, and your brother would struggle too. Your step-niece has her own parents, to help with this (and also extended family on both sides). It would be unreasonable if your brother to expect you to give a substantial sum of money to do this.

IonianNerveGrip · 03/08/2026 08:16

I wonder if he's going to have similar expectations about any inheritance the DNs might receive from wider family? That tends to be where people start differentiating.

MintSnail · 03/08/2026 08:19

YANBU, brother has had 7 years to save up for her driving lessons, she has her own bio father and mother who can pay. I don't see it as your responsibility to facilitate driving lessons for extended family members.

InterIgnis · 03/08/2026 08:25

SeeMeRun · 03/08/2026 07:37

And there it is. I wondered if there was really some form of prejudice ‘she’s not really family’ thought process behind this, and there is. I didn’t need to look far.
this is why your brother is mad, he knows that this mentality is what lies behind it. She’ll always be 2nd class citizen to you because she’s not blood. I think that’s quite sad. Thank god he never adopted!

Show quote history

’Prejudice’ 😂

OP’s ‘mentality’ is a completely normal one. OP isn’t treating his girl like her niece because she isn’t her niece, any more than OP’s SIL is her sister, of her MIL her mother. The relationships are not the same, and Op isn’t obliged to pretend they are. The brother is a cheeky fucker for expecting OP to cover this girl’s driving lessons.

Daygloboo · 03/08/2026 08:33

OnTheWatersEdge · 02/08/2026 10:18

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

INobody would expect £1k, but £50 ? To me that feels like you are sending a definite message of " you dont belong". Extremely tactless and tasteless imo.

Noshadelamp · 03/08/2026 08:40

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 07:11

My nieces are now 23 and 24, step children are 17 and 15. I don’t know if she knows about the money we have given to the older ones. My parents didn’t give their opinion.

If they would have all had their birthdays at the same time, I wouldn’t have given her £1k as she isn’t my niece. She has her own relatives. The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

Show quote history

Sounds like he's being grabby then. There's probably been discussion about driving lessons and he's told his wife "don't worry, remember @OnTheWatersEdge paid for other dds so let's leave it to her for dad"

Original poster

OnTheWatersEdge · 03/08/2026 08:41

SeeMeRun · 03/08/2026 07:37

And there it is. I wondered if there was really some form of prejudice ‘she’s not really family’ thought process behind this, and there is. I didn’t need to look far.
this is why your brother is mad, he knows that this mentality is what lies behind it. She’ll always be 2nd class citizen to you because she’s not blood. I think that’s quite sad. Thank god he never adopted!

Show quote history

I haven’t said she isn’t family. I’ve said she isn’t a bio relative and we only give larger amounts of money to bio relatives. These second class citizen comments are ridiculous. If I go to visit them and I’m taking cakes from our local bakery, I take her favourite one for her, I buy her nice gifts for her birthday, Christmas and Easter. I have taken the step children on days out, I’ve looked after the SC if they are ill and my brother and his wife have to work. The SC are very much included. However, this was a larger gift to my nieces from me as their aunt. I am not the aunt of the SC.

If my brother is as entitled as some posters here, I’m think I’m best not to bring it up with him as I will be very pissed off if he holds the views some people here do.

I would be extremely uncomfortable if my children received a large gift from a non bio relative. I don't think its appropriate. I can’t imagine expecting it from them.

OP posts:

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 08:44

@OnTheWatersEdge SD has a mum, a dad and a step-dad. That’s 3 adults, one of which or all 3 together should have paid for her driving lessons if that’s what she wanted. It isn’t up to you, a non related aunt to fork-out.

He shouldn’t have assumed you were going to, he could have asked in advance if he wasn’t sure so that he along with her mum and dad were prepared for her birthday.

Some people would take the shirt from your back and think nothing of it.

Bethany83 · 03/08/2026 08:46

Sounds like your step niece was very happy with your gifts and as she was so young when you nieces turned 17 she is highly unlikely to know the ins and outs of who paid for their driving lessons. Point is, she won't be feeling hurt in any way. I would just not say anything. You haven't done anything wrong.

XelaM · 03/08/2026 08:47

AutisticMumOf2 · 03/08/2026 07:42

And that’s OPs problem how? She had no say in the matter!

Show quote history

I was replying to the poster who had so much sympathy for the step-niece's situation

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 03/08/2026 08:50

I bet there was an expectation that they wouldn’t have to pay for driving lessons and now they have to cough up.

ProudMaker · 03/08/2026 08:58

As a matter of interest, does step daughters extended family treat brother's biological children in the same way at Christmas and birthday's?

PrettyPickle · 03/08/2026 08:59

Ipollita · 03/08/2026 02:37

You don’t know the “emotional reality” - the fact based reality is that OP is not her aunt and acts in a way that reflects that while still being generous. Step niece is happy with this. Entitled, ungrateful brother is not. It’s really very simple.

You’re massively projecting your own feelings, creating your own narrative and misconstruing almost everything that’s been said. I think you’d benefit from some quite intensive therapy.

Show quote history

And the truth is neither of us know and I don't need therapy to make my right to an opinion stand, we are allowed different view points, just because you don't appreciate mine doesn't give you a right to minimise it and suggest I have issues, that says more about you than me.