AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

I sort of see what you mean but for someone to end up “miffed” about their daughters having had two £1k presents is a bit much. If she’d given all three £100, everyone would be happy with her.

YANBU obvs, it's insane to think otherwise. Step N's gifts sound lovely

She isn’t family though🤷‍♂️. I say that as a blended family of 7 kids and they get treated differently by each parents biological families. The choice to blend is that of the immediate family alone and not that of extended family.

I would leave well alone

Sorry, but how the F does anyone think they can marry someone with children, and DEMAND that their wider family treat those children the same as their children? It’s utterly baffling.

They are not the same, if you can’t cope with that, don’t blend your family. You blended your family; your family did not.

I wonder if he expects your parents to will his SD an equal part of their estate as to their DGC.

I wondered this too. I'm thinking (I may be very wrong) that OP possibly doesn't have any children of her own, so her brother probably has her money and assets in his sights for his own children - and step-children - when the time eventually comes.

Meanwhile, I'm guessing that the same standard isn't being upheld for his step-children's father: that he should leave all of his money equally to his own children and to the children of his ex-wife's new husband.

Could it be that OP is very comfortably off - and thus seen primarily as a resource to be tapped - whereas the step-children's dad isn't, so no point in pumping a well that's nearly dry?

Your brother is behaving awfully. He is expecting you to pay for something without talking to you, and has bitched about it behind your back. Circumstances change and people can't expect that kids of theirs years apart get the same treatment at milestones in their lives. DS3 (10) gets far less support from my parents than DS1 and 2 (19 and 17) did at his age because we are more secure, for example.

Your step niece may legitimately feel upset though. She has been part of a family for half her life, living the majority of time there. She has family beyond that unit, but this doesn't make her distinct within that unit, as so too do her siblings (your nieces-still-sure where their mum or her side of the family is or the contact there). Especially given the way brother behaves, she is likely to see this as because she is not biologically related, despite the lived reality of her family.

All depends really not on what you do with your money, but on whether you feel this is something you want to fix with your step niece. Do you want her to understand she is part of the family but circumstances have changed? Do you basically not consider her part of the family in the same way but want her to know you still care for her? Does your relationship with her matter to you, or is it more of a long distance thing with generous gifts?

It's presumptuous to expect you to do the same thing for this child given that you said the other nieces turned 17 years ago, it should have been brought up.

£1k for driving lessons is a really generous milestone gift. If her parents wanted to make sure she wasn't left out, they should have spoken to you and not assumed a large gift was coming.

It sucks for the DSN that she didn't get the same present, but it doesn't mean it fell to you alone to deliver it. What would have been sensible is her actual parents (your DB) noted the expectation, and co-ordinated a similar gift from all family members if that was what your DSN was hoping for.

It's really weird of them to assume, even if she was another blood DN, that you would automatically definitely be in a position to give the same level of gifting as previous years, without any discussion. But again, it is a real shame for your step niece so hopefully they can co-ordinate something comparable for her Christmas gift.

Why did you post on here if you are certain you are not being unreasonable?

If step children lived with my relatives I wouldn't treat them any differently. My DCs partner of 2 years lives with us and my family treat her the same as my DCs. Its normal in our family. Personally I wouldn't want it any other way but each to their own, if you are 100% comfortable with it all then fine, its your decision and you have your reasons.

Edited to add: I dont think your brother shoild have assume, if it was such a big thing for him he could have communicated with you, it seems odd you are close enough to give his DCs 1k as a gift but not close enough to talk about this sort of stuff.

What they could have done was to be very grateful that OP was offering to pay for their driving lessons, meaning that not only did they not have to pay then and there, but that they now had 7 years to save up for their next DD/SD to learn when she was old enough - that would have been achievable by them saving less than £3 a week, if they had cared enough about her.

Then, if OP had kindly offered to give her a grand too, or - amazingly - her own father saw his way to putting his own hand in his own pocket to pay for/towards it for his DD, they would then have had a spare £1K for a nice family holiday/experience/savings. The pure assumption is such arrogance.

To see if the general consensus is that I’m unreasonable or not and to see if others think I should talk to my brother about it. I don’t have a problem with people expressing they think I should have done things differently but I’m going to challenge anyone claiming I treat her like a second class citizen and other rubbish.

Thats fair. There is nothing to suggest you treat her like a 2nd class citizen but you must know that MN is just like that. There are some crazy comments on every AIBU post that are just not reflective of RL.

This post is another example of entitlement and ingratitude for generosity. If your brother is that bothered about it, why doesn't he pay for her driving lessons? I wouldn't have expected my sister to give the same birthday gift to my step children nb. was with their Dad 4 years before our son was born, but it would be her choice and I would never have brought up the subject with her. If its come indirectly from you brother then let him have the nerve to discuss it with you?!,

Why did you post on here if you are certain you are not being unreasonable?

People are allowed to ask for opinions whilst having their own.

73% of people agree with OP.

And treating your DC’s partner the same as your dd is frankly ofd. What happens if they split? Will you keep sending Christmas and Birthday presents?

Thank you.

I don’t think you are unreasonable and I think you are being more than generous with £100 worth of gifts for your SN. Your SN is also happy. The driving lessons for your N were a one off. Your brother on the other hand sounds like he’s being unreasonable, but you weren’t in the conversation he had with your mother. I would think about what you want to get across to your brother and clear the air. You are definitely not being unreasonable. He didn’t even have the balls to speak to you and is being very ungrateful.

Its not odd, she is young, she is very vulnerable due to her home situation so whilst she is in our care she is looked after like one of her own. Who said anything about what would happen if they split up (likely as they are young). We are not going to treat her as a second class person in our house based on what would happen in the future.

Its odd IMO that people are so heartless.

The OP was arguing with posters who disagreed with her but she has responded to that now.

Also MN is so against any step families so I dont believe 73% is in any way reflective of RL. Or maybe I just dont surround myself with people who would treat people so badly.

I am not saying the OP should have given her £1k, thats her decision but I find it very strange no conversation happened with her brother and that she gave her only £100 in comparison to the £1k. Thats just my opinion, which I am entitled to also.

Do you think posters here know your brother better than you do? Talk to him.

I suppose you could apply that to many situations people post about. If you can’t help and don’t have any advice, maybe find another thread.

I think what you bought her and gave her is plenty enough and very generous.
You shouldn't pay for driving lessons for her and for that to be expected is downright cheeky .
Your step niece has another family of her own .
Your brother has probably had his wife in his ear id carry on as you do its your brothers responsibility to sort driving lessons if its so important to him as he hasn't had to do it for his bio daughters.
I'd have to speak to him and say it was 8 years ago for your own niece's and that his step daughter has another family .

@OnTheWatersEdge I'd definitely speak to your brother about how high his expectations were of you.

I'd also see if family members chipping in money altogether for getting her a comparable Christmas present of driving lessons would be feasible.

YADNBU to be upset that this has fallen to you. Most people will be in a position where their own DC will get varying amounts from them depending on life circumstances, and yes it's bizarre for him to assume with no discussion you'd be providing such a large gift.

You say your DCs partner which suggests they’re an adult? Now they’re in your care? If you’ve let a child move in with you due to homelessness or something that’s very different to your brother having a step child. It’s generous of you to treat them the same but I’m sure it’s not comparable.

Have you given your child £1000 recently that you’ve now had to give their gf/bf? Or are you comparing your wider family spending £50 on them for their birthday to OPs £1000 gift given years before? Are you going to pay towards their university costs? How far are you willing to provide an equatable experience? Will you be updating your will to leave them a share?

People are batshit. You gave a very generous gift, more than what I'd get from my actual relatives. 17 is not a milestone birthday either. There's no way you need to spend the same as your step niece.

They are adults now but still young, she is vulnerable also, but honestly your questioning is ridiculous and not relevant to the OP or any of your business. Like I have said, I didnt even say OP should have given £1k 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you a childless aunt who is expected to give more to the nieces and nephews?
He’s miffed as he now has to find the money to pay for the driving lessons, and he was thinking you’d be paying. I think you’ve given a generous gift, and I wouldn’t bring it up. He’s wanting you to so that he’s not the one mentioning it.