AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

If he hasn't raised it with you, then don't bother.
However, is there a way to make it slightly less obvious to the step niece next year, as must be hard seeing how differently she is being treated if she lives with them/close family etc?

Depends how close you are to her.

If you have the same relationship as you do with your nieces then you were mean.

If you don’t have the same kind of relationship and aren’t close then £50 is plenty.

I think it depends on whether she's been a part of your brother's family since she was very small, in which case YABU... or a recent addition who you don't know so well, which would be more reasonable.

How much did you give nieces?

How long have they been in the family? If it's been a long time and they are closely integrated into the family then YABU. If they have only been around for a year or so then maybe not.

YANBU your brother is being very grabby.

Don’t give any more money.

Your brother should pay for her lessons. Cheeky

It depends

if he’s raised her from a baby, she lives with them full time, had no contact with her father or his family and think of your brother as her Dad, then it might have been more predictable that he’d query the difference in treatment.

if she lives with them part time and has a relationship with her dad and his family then definitely not unreasonable.

what did her paternal aunt give your nieces for their 17th?

There’s not enough information to know if YABU.

do they have contact with their dad/paternal family? My ‘dad’ is actually my stepdad - I don’t know my bio dad and my dad has been in my life since I was 2.

Does your step-niece see you as her auntie or her step auntie?

whats the monetary difference?

obviously gifts shouldn’t be expected but if you made a big deal out of paying for the driving lessons for DN’s then it’s not surprising that it was expected you’d do the same again.

I said YANBU because it’s your money and up to you how you spend it, but I think this depends on a few things. How long has SN been in the family? Is her bio dad involved? Realistically step-kids tend to get more for Christmas and birthdays because they get two lots of presents, so if bio dad is still involved I think that changes things massively.

Hmm how long has she been in the family and how much did you give your nieces?
£50 sounds quite generous for a niece anyway (that's all my kids get from their grandparents!!) but if in your family the norm is much more then I can see why they would be a bit off (if the step niece has been in the family a few years).

How much does he spend on gifts for all your household? What a whiny nob.

Obviously you can give what you want.

For me it would depend on the circumstances and the relationship. If this is a child who has lived full time with your brother since she was a baby, for example, then yeah I think you’ve been a bit shitty.
If this is a child you’ve barely met because your brother only met her mum a year ago and she only visits once in the holidays, then I think it’s fine.
Obviously I’ve picked the two extremes of the spectrum there but you get the idea.

They’ve been in the family for about 8 years.

£1k each.

See, step children get the best of both worlds. They get a biological family and a step family, and the step family are expected to treat them as equal and give them equal so they get presents from both families equally.

You are not this young woman's aunt. Surely she has her own mother and her own aunties and uncles who can buy her gifts why should you pay for her driving lessons.

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

Sounds like he was hoping you’d pay for her driving lessons too 😣

Your brother is an idiot. If he wants to treat his SD as his own, that's all well and good, but you dont have to.

Has his bio children lived with him full time? Does the step daughter?

Sorry but you can’t expect £1000 for a step-child who has only been in the family for 8 years.

Presumably, she has her dad's family who give her gifts?

Step children see their dad every other weekend.

I can’t imagine ever doing this. All of the stepchildren in my family are treated the same as the other kids. Cruel to do otherwise imo.

Your brother is being very unreasonable. If he divorced would your step niece realistically have anything more to do with you? Also its not for your brother to spend £1000 of your money, he is being incredibly cheeky

He’s is being a massively CF. He should be delighted you got her anything.