AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

As brother hasnt mentioned it then I wouldnt bring it up. He can be disappointed, likely realises his expectation re driving lessons is unreasonable and that is why he hasnt brought it up.

If he did tell parents so they would tell you that is manipulative and if he wants a conversation he should initiate not go via parents.

* SD has a mum, a dad and a step-dad. That’s 3 adults, one of which or all 3 together should have paid for her driving lessons if that’s what she wanted. It isn’t up to you, a non related aunt to fork-out.*

YES! Why aren't people understanding this?

I’m not “making up” her feelings - I’m acknowledging that large disparities in gifts within a family often do carry meaning, whether or not anyone voices it. Teenagers are very capable of noticing that two stepsisters got £1,000 and she got £50 and perfume. That doesn’t mean she’s entitled or upset, but it’s reasonable to consider how that might land and why her dad could feel protective. That’s the point I’m making and have being doing so repeatedly and you all seem to avoid the point.

The OP asked for opinions, and I gave mine, just as you are entitled to have yours. And failing to acknowledge even the possibility of how this may land is naïve.

And I have had my say and will not be changing my mind so this bot is signing off from this thread now. Good exchanging views with you all.

I find it hard to comment as there is so much context involved. You’re obviously a very kind and thoughtful person.
If her step dad is the only dad in her life and the only one she calls ‘dad’ then she is effectively your niece. However, if she already has a dad with whom she is in close contact then the situation is different. Because then she has a not only a parent but an extended family quite apart from your family.
Paying for her driving lessons would only be appropriate if this young person had been effectively adopted into your family via your brother without any other family of her own. For all we know, her bio dad might have already fixed driving lessons for her and her step aunt would be stepping on his toes.

I find it really weird that people expect step children to be treated exactly the same. I hope he didn’t get her hopes up that she’d receive her driving lessons for her birthday from you. But otherwise she knows you’re her step dads sister. You’re not her family. She has her own dad and I’m sure his family. When I was 17 my mums DHs parents were lovely to me, would get me little gifts to make sure I didn’t feel left out, but I didn’t expect them to spend the same as what they spent on their actual grandkids because I certainly didn’t see them as my grandparents. They were my mums husbands parents. People I knew but had absolutely no emotional attachment to. After my mum broke up with her DH I never saw them again

YANBU - their father is very much involved in their lives.
They have 2 biological parents who chose to bring them into this world, so in my view also chose to provide for them.
It is therefore not your place to provide driving lessons for them
If your brother’s wife has convinced him that it is, he is being taken for a ride 🚗
And, whatever happened to gratitude over presumption? It is a GIFT.

In fact, you have specifically spoken about this family's situation, so this is not about 'in general'. You're talking about DSD experiencing and reacting to a difference, and as we have no information about whether she even knows, that was invention. If you'd only spoken in generalities, and not filled in any blanks, your posts would've been better. But that's not what happened.

I find it really weird that people expect step children to be treated exactly the same.

Those of us who treat our stepchildren exactly the same don’t find it remotely weird because they’re our family.

I wouldn't raise this with him. What will he say, "we're really upset because you haven't treated SD the same as others and we think that's unfair etc". So you have two choices you either cough up the £1000 for driving lessons (you would already have done that if you'd wanted to, surely) OR you justify it by talking about blood ties or whatever and it changes your relationship forever. If I was you, I would crack on as if you'd never been told. You sound like a fantastic sister to him (looking after his children and step child when they're sick whilst he and his wife work - that's top level sistering!) and he'd be a fool to think otherwise.

Having said that, I probably would have treated her the same but I can't be sure as I don't know the situation as you do.

If he has been saying about what the other two got in front of his SD, then he's an idiot and very insensitive.

Even aside from the bio/non-bio issue, a lot can change in 6 or 7 years: plenty of families will have more money for an older child and less when a younger child is born, or vice versa, as family circumstances can change drastically.

Agree to disagree because I have talked about this from every direction and you are not getting my point and I don't have to agree with yours.

You can agree whatever you like. Meanwhile, you have no idea whether DSD even knows about the gifts years back, and thus any claims that the disparity is having an impact on her are made up. Your agreement or disagreement won't change this fact.

Teenagers are very capable of noticing that two stepsisters got £1,000 and she got £50 and perfume. That doesn’t mean she’s entitled or upset, but it’s reasonable to consider how that might land and why her dad could feel protective.

But teenagers aren't stupid - the girl in question will be fully aware that has her own bio family, and I doubt she had any expectations that her step-aunt would be funding her driving lessons!

This is purely me surmising, but I wonder if he maybe sees himself as some sort of patriarchal family 'fixer'.

He doesn't believe in putting his hand into his own pocket to pay for it - and he doesn't pursue family members whom he knows wouldn't stump up (e.g. his SD's father paying for his own DDs); but "I've had a word with my DSis and she's now agreed to cover your driving lessons" - that kind of thing.

I have only read OPs comments not the whole thread the actual nieces have been very very lucky but AS IF you give a grand for any reason to your brothers stepchild and he’s being very entitled to have expected it. YANBU @OnTheWatersEdge

I don’t give my step nephew the same as my nephews but we barely see him. I always make sure to get him something but he’s older so usually just Xbox/clothes vouchers whereas my nephews are toddlers so they get a big selection of toys.

@OnTheWatersEdge Do SN's family spend the same on your db's own dc as they do on their own neice/dc?

I bet not, so why are they expecting you to do so?

SN has her own dad, aunts, uncles, etc, to buy her things or gift her money. It's not for you to do, and anyway, it sounds like the gifts you got her were thoughtful and appropriate to your SN's interests/wants, and were appreciated by her, wh8ch is all that matters.

Treating someone fairly, does not necessarily mean spending the exact same amount on them.

Just ignore your db, as yanbu.

Poor kid. It’s not her fault that her fault that her entire life has been split and she’s part of several families but not quite loved as much as other children in some of those families. It’s not her fault that your bio nieces get treated shittily by their step family. You don’t need to do the same.

Your brother probably hasn’t realised that you’ve treated step niece not quite as well as the others as there isn’t a huge difference between £100 and £200 for birthdays. He knows now and I’m not surprised he’s said something as it must feel like a huge slap in the face. Good on him for treating her like his own.

I don’t have an opinion on the rights or wrongs of your thinking, but if you say this to your brother I think you’ll have a family fall out. I wouldn’t bring it up with him and if he does to you I would say something along the lines of ‘I didn’t agree to do that for X, I wasn’t under the impression you thought I was’.

It’s your money and your business what you do with it. Isn’t for them to comment on who should get what. End of day it’s whatever you felt appropriate. Does the step child know you gave the others girls more? Either way be grateful and thankful someone had spent the time and effort to acknowledge your birthday would be the kind thing

So step daughter got treated to a holiday by her biological family, - hopefully it won't be her last holiday. Which probably cost a few quid. ⛱️
Bio nieces got treated to driving lessons by you, which did cost a few quid. 🚗

Both sets of families are looking after/ treating their own bio nieces for different things. 💕

I honestly don't see what the problem is? 🤷‍♀️
Your brother is being unreasonable. He should never have expected you to fork out and pay for more driving lessons. It really isn't your problem.
@OnTheWatersEdge

YANBU OP. If your brother adopted his SD then imo the argument that the girls should be treated the same would hold water. Failing that I’m afraid that the unpalatable truth is that he himself is treating SD differently to DD (I’m not saying worse, just differently). Children get 2 parents - be that biological, adoptive or any other permutation. He chose to end his first marriage and marry her mum which is always messy when children are involved, but that doesn’t make her the same as your niece - she still has an actual dad of her own and a family on that side. Your DB can be as disappointed as he likes but needs to accept the realities of blended families. I wonder if he expects your parents to will his SD an equal part of their estate as to their DGC.

did/do his wifes siblings give your nieces the same amount for birthdays etc? If they don't then they shouldn't expect you to also.

Because people have this ridiculous idea that if you don't treat your step relatives identically to your bio relatives you're somehow the worst of the worst. It comes up time and again on MN and it's crazy. OP has done nothing wrong and I don't think she should raise it with whining, manipulative, CF brother. She doesn't have to justify herself and he can just stew in it.

And that’s fine if you want to do that, I worked out I’ve had 7 nieces and nephews and because one of my brothers has gone from woman to woman there’s been 14 stepchildren throughout the years. I prioritise the children that are related to me as they are the relationships that’s will last the break ups and the test of time