AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

My parents probably at one point thought we had a problem because we were always picking up alcohol and drinking every evening at theirs - but for us, visiting them was a mini holiday to celebrate with a few good drinks.

That said, I think you should definitely try for a couple of alcohol free nights a week.

Objectively I think drinking everyday probably isn't ideal from a physical health perspective. However you are adults, it sounds like you are functioning well, you are not impacting negatively on other people, you are managing your responsibilities and you are happy with your life. So that's the end of it really as far as I'm concerned. Many people could change aspects of their life style to better optimise their physical health, but we all make choices about how we want to live and enjoy our life.

Have you read her posts? She's lonely and unhappy.

The point is that they don’t have a healthy lifestyle.

They are choosing to drink. Those 14 units a day that has been suggested is a “safe” level of alcohol is being questioned. It is hard to give up alcohol when it has given so much pleasure but alcohol is not part of a healthy lifestyle

@ByJollyQuail , you were brave asking that question on Mumsnet which is positively puritanical on the subject of booze. Alcohol is a social lubricant and you sound like gloriously social animals. Good for you. It’s true that the scientific evidence points to alcohol having adverse health consequences if used in excess however. If you’re concerned for your health then having a couple of alcohol free days a week would help but in my opinion you don’t sound like you have dependence issues.

in my opinion you don’t sound like you have dependence issues.

Have you read all of OP's posts?

I’m guessing you’ve not read all the OPs posts… you might want to do that.

( whether any of it is true is another matter )

Well she sounds fun…
if it isn’t affecting your life and you haven’t worried about it up to now then don’t let it bother you.
it sounds to me like a little bit of envy.

Because everyone knows that being solidly middle class means the alcohol affects your body in a completely different way to a working class person who doesn’t have a child who’s an investment banker?!

I think a lot of posters are not reading the whole thread, just the OP, where her life does sound hunky dory. The picture is very different if you read it all.

I would be wary of your relationship changing if one of you were to give up drinking.

Menopause meant that I gained a simultaneous tolerance to alcohol (so I didn't get drunk or even a slight buzz from it) and an intolerance to one of the chemicals used in some methods of production (which would cause me to be vomiting violently all night with a migraine after one glass). So I stopped drinking altogether.

This meant I had a lower tolerance for the company of those who ;liked a drink' and meant a few friendships dropped away.

So it might be worth thinking about in terms of your relationship existing without alcohol in case the same thing happens to you, or one of you has a health scare had HAS to give up the booze.

Then write them down every day.
I'm not really sure why you posted given that you don't think there's a problem and you just won't see it despite numerous posters telling you otherwise.
I like a glass of wine just as much as the next person but there are a lot of red flags here

I think that this is where the issue lies.

There’s nothing wrong with having a drink in the evening (I say this as someone who is teetota), but if you can’t think of what to do other than having a drink, or if you feel like you’re missing out or it isn’t fun if you don’t have a drink then it’s an issue.

There’s plenty of things you can do other than have a drink, the fact you can’t seem to think of them is worrisome. How would you feel if you went out and socialised and remained sober? Would you feel like you’d missed out? Would it not be fun for you?

What are retired folks supposed to do rather than enjoy life.

How about giving something back, contributing to protecting the planet for your children or helping some of those millions of people less fortunate than you?

Or of course you could carry on as you are and dutifully enjoy yourselves into an early grave, as you seem to feel you are obliged to.

I wasn't talking about the Op's posts, but the person whose post I quoted.

It’s to justify that they are alcoholics but look their children turned out amazing so it doesn’t matter. She also wanted to highlight their very middle class life because drinking 6 cans of Stella a night in their council house would have a very different reaction.

It doesn’t matter anyway because if you read OP’s later posts you can see her being more honest the drinker she gets. She clearly isn’t happy and is using alcohol as a way to mask that. Her posts turned incoherent in a tiny amount of time so she’s clearly not being honest with how much alcohol she drinks, someone who is used to drinking a few glasses of wine a night would not become so shit faced they could barely spell.

OP if you’re reading this this morning I hope you get help, or realise your drinking isn’t normal. Strip back your first post because you’re hiding behind the curtain of irrelevant information you’ve posted. You are clearly dependant on alcohol.

my metric is from my step father- if your first action on waking is to have a drink you are an alcoholic, otherwise you are simply a heavy drinker. I would consider anyone who drinks every day to be a heavy drinker, maybe think about cutting back a little.

OP, I hope you're feeling ok today .

I think you and DH have fallen into bad habits. I used to drink a lot, frequently. I was very sociable. That's what I told myself.

I never drink now and back then that would have seemed a massive sacrifice. Now I absolutely love it. My life is built around different pursuits and passions.

You're filling a void. Fill it with something else. Find a hobby, keep looking until something lights you up. Then surround yourself with people whose company gives you so much pleasure you don't even think about alcohol.

You haven't read all.the OP's posts, have you? In which she confesses to being deeply unhappy and lonely?

Your stepfather is only one example.

I think thats avoidance of how much you are drinking. You know you are drinking too much.

If you're drinking nearly every night then that's too much
You said in your op you drink if not commuting into London- you work 2 days a week, so I doubt you are going in both of those days, or even every week, that's a lot of days to be drinking

Gosh @ByJollyQuail I m sorry, I posted this a bit flippantly before I had read your later posts and I can see the "what are we meant to do except enjoy ourselves" was said from a place of confusion and sadness, not entitled smugness as I first assumed. (I did wonder in fact if this was realor if it was a ragebaity made up post. But I will give the benefit of the doubt - if you are still reading, which is probably unlikely)

However my suggetions still stand and indeed, more so than ever. You need meaning in your life and I don't think your husband needs "support" for his self-indulgent "aimless young retiree" hobby.

I think you would be happier if you forged your own life, your own way. And stopped being dominated by him and his "crazy" lifestyle.

And you're probably 35 but look 55?

In the times they drank beer and wine, 1) these were not the same as the ones we have now, and 2) there's a reason people died a lot earlier than today, and that's part of it

Most of these comments just prove how normalised unhealthy drinking patterns are.

OP, I would suggest dry trying to stop completely for a couple of weeks and see how tricky you find it. There will be your answer.

YANBU. You were entertaining and socializing and had 2-3 drinks. She's the weird one who has ONE glass of alcohol per year. She has issues with alcohol, clearly, and chose to judge you after you josted her for 3 days. I wouldn't host her again tbh.