AIBU for ending a relationship after repeated boundary crossing and contact?

[Wonderingwanderer99]

Aibu for ending things with my boyfriend after he ignored me saying no, twice, and then blocking him when he wouldn't leave me alone after the breakup?

Some context: I'm a single mum, going through a divorce that's now finalised. I started seeing the guy about 10 months ago, long distance-ish, he's a seasonal worker with a visa that runs out in a couple of years, so there was always an end date built in.

Early on things were genuinely good, he was warm and thoughtful and helped me out where I needed it. But recently whenever I am struggling, I get platitudes instead of him actually showing up. If I raise a problem, he gets defensive rather than hear it. Work is immovable, can never take an hour early off or even 5 minutes to say hi if I was close by.

The bigger issue: twice now, he continued kissing/undressing me after I said no and said stop, the second time only stopping when I said it again and reminded him I had said no. There'd been an earlier incident where I'd already told him "no" needs to be respected the first time he hears it. After the most recent one he did apologise, sent a long voice note calling it a "red flag" and promising it wouldn't happen again.

I eventually ended it. I laid out clearly the whys, the pattern of absence, the lack of acknowledgment when I raised issues, and the repeated boundary crossing. He responded with defensiveness, asking why my behaviour had changed and made out like I was hiding something (I'm not). Eventually he had a go about doing it over message. I finally said that I did that because he couldn't make time to see me and talk about repairing stuff between us and I'd realised I couldn't carry on like this and I'd be blocking him (WhatsApp). I wished him the best.

Since then he's tried Instagram DMs, sent me money with lunch invitations as the reference (twice, after my bank bounced it back the first time), texted twice and called twice in one evening, the last message asking to meet "even if just to say goodbye" and saying he missed me.

I blocked the number on my phone so he can't text or call anymore.

AIBU for ending it over the boundary thing rather than "working on it," and for eventually going full no-contact when he wouldn't stop reaching out after I was clear it was over?

Ffs. Do you even have to ask? More red flags than communist china. Raise the bar on who gets access to you.

Surely you already know the answer to this.

It is never unreasonable to end a relationship you aren’t happy with. Ever. You are never, ever obliged to stay with someone simply because they don’t want the relationship to end. You don’t have to ‘work on it’ if you don’t want to.

Absolutely NOT unreasonable.

In fact given his refusals to take no for an answer and his repeated attempts to harass you into contact I would be stepping up your personal security.

Ring type doorbell, make sure friends/family know where you are going and call the police if he turns up somewhere. Men who refuse to accept a no can be bloody dangerous when you remove their control completely

Of course you're not unreasonable for ending a relationship, especially one that doesn't bring you joy and a sense of safety.

I agree with pp. Make sure you have a ring doorbell or cameras since he's continuing to not hear your no.

A few people in my life have said it might be easier to just give him a final conversation, closure they said. I'm not sure that's the right thing.

He doesn't want closure. He wants to weasel his way back in and have make-up sex. Those telling you otherwise have much to learn about this world.

Since then he's tried Instagram DMs, sent me money with lunch invitations as the reference (twice, after my bank bounced it back the first time), texted twice and called twice in one evening, the last message asking to meet "even if just to say goodbye" and saying he missed me.

You would be better off contacting the police regarding his stalking and harassment. Do these people not realise he is bordering on criminal acts?

Tell the police. He's stalking you. And if you said no, anything he did to you after the first no is SA.

He is awful and well done for getting away from him. Definitely do not respond at all.

He wasn’t after a visa was he, I know you say it was coming to an end, but you only met him a short while ago, so when he came here he had different intentions then. Just an idea as to why he is trying to cling on as well.
People might find this wrong to ask, the way the world has gone now. But what country is he from, this will give some context in to the behaviour, not an excuse of course.

You are right to stick with your boundaries, I agree with another comment about being careful, as men like that can turn nasty.

Australia

Oh okay, slightly different to what I was thinking. Is he foreign though, or actually Australian.

He's from Australia and has things he wants to get back to when his visa runs out. He also wants to travel around and explore Europe which I can't do with a little one and a co parent so I figured it would end sooner rather than later anyway

Nope. Just move on 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

You don’t owe him that, you were clear about him needing to respect you saying no, he didn’t respect that, end of relationship. Well done you.

You are dating an Australian Chairman Mao, with all those red flags.

No closure needed. An email saying that the fact he had to be reminded that no means no should be enough.

Meeting up with him for closure isn't going to give you closure it's surely going to stir it all up and set you back. You've given him clear reasons why you were upset and he dismissed those reasons and invalidated your feelings. You don't owe him anything, he fucked up and he's getting a consequence. You blocked him, good. Delete the photos and messages. Delete him from your social media, move on, it couldn't be forever and it's not fun now so what's the point?
Being single is great, dating can be great, you don't need him. Enjoy the summer with your children, enjoy time alone. Any feelings of loneliness and regret will pass. He had chances to change things, he literally ignored being told no, don't go back.

He ifnored your boundaries. You don't owe him anything. Steer clear.

"Raise the bar on who gets access to you."

This is SUCH a great line!

Don't delete all photos - if you do report to the police it can be useful for them. And i really think you should consider reporting.

You can end it for whatever reason you want in whatever way you want. You don't need anyone else permission or opinion!

It was 10 months casual if you do meet up make sure its in a public place with a friend waiting nearby

men have begged for a meeting after harassment and thrown acid. ( katie piper )

btw you can break up with a guy for any reason it does not have to be a good one

Good for you sacking him off! No means no!
DH was getting frisky yesterday and I said no as I’ve been on antibiotics and thought it interacted with the pill! (Shows how long it’s been since I last had antibiotics as the guidance changed in 2011! I looked into after said episode) and he stopped straight away and we just cuddled!
You gave him a second chance and he continued to push your boundary so he’s out!!

I'm assuming if he had access to a house key you have changed lock

The only thing you're being unreasonable about is thinking someone can knock off early from work whenever they want. My job absolutely does not allow that.

You don't owe him closure, not if you don't want to see him again.

If you do, make sure you do it in public. If you don’t want to, fair enough - you owe this man nothing