AIBU for ending a relationship after repeated boundary crossing and contact?

[Wonderingwanderer99]

Aibu for ending things with my boyfriend after he ignored me saying no, twice, and then blocking him when he wouldn't leave me alone after the breakup?

Some context: I'm a single mum, going through a divorce that's now finalised. I started seeing the guy about 10 months ago, long distance-ish, he's a seasonal worker with a visa that runs out in a couple of years, so there was always an end date built in.

Early on things were genuinely good, he was warm and thoughtful and helped me out where I needed it. But recently whenever I am struggling, I get platitudes instead of him actually showing up. If I raise a problem, he gets defensive rather than hear it. Work is immovable, can never take an hour early off or even 5 minutes to say hi if I was close by.

The bigger issue: twice now, he continued kissing/undressing me after I said no and said stop, the second time only stopping when I said it again and reminded him I had said no. There'd been an earlier incident where I'd already told him "no" needs to be respected the first time he hears it. After the most recent one he did apologise, sent a long voice note calling it a "red flag" and promising it wouldn't happen again.

I eventually ended it. I laid out clearly the whys, the pattern of absence, the lack of acknowledgment when I raised issues, and the repeated boundary crossing. He responded with defensiveness, asking why my behaviour had changed and made out like I was hiding something (I'm not). Eventually he had a go about doing it over message. I finally said that I did that because he couldn't make time to see me and talk about repairing stuff between us and I'd realised I couldn't carry on like this and I'd be blocking him (WhatsApp). I wished him the best.

Since then he's tried Instagram DMs, sent me money with lunch invitations as the reference (twice, after my bank bounced it back the first time), texted twice and called twice in one evening, the last message asking to meet "even if just to say goodbye" and saying he missed me.

I blocked the number on my phone so he can't text or call anymore.

AIBU for ending it over the boundary thing rather than "working on it," and for eventually going full no-contact when he wouldn't stop reaching out after I was clear it was over?

NO !

He just showed up to my house whilst I was doing handover with co parent. Sent him away

Good.

Now rinse and repeat.

Honestly look out for yourself and your child and move on. What could you possibly gain from meeting up with him. He doesn’t want to meet you for closure and it will only delay him moving on.
Re. Him being super helpful initially and then placating more recently, he felt he had invested enough to have more access and control than you have allowed him. He’s irritated not that it hasn’t transpired in the way that he had hoped imo. It’s time to thank it for what it was and the purpose that it served and let it go as quietly as possible. I’m only concerned that blocking him will make him turn up to your house if he becomes more desperate. A Ring camera might be a good investment, as the other ladies have said.

You gave him chances already. His chances have no expired. You told him to his face. He didn't budge. "No contact" is fair response, you decided it is over and there is no need to carve out time and effort to "say goodbye"
Protect your peace and stay firm.

Disrespecting boundaries presumably knowing you have children at home. What an idiot.

I wouldn’t delete the messages tbh. He’s admitted that he didn’t listen when OP said no. That could come in handy if he continues to harass you OP. Don’t meet up with him, anyone suggesting you should has no idea about what men like this are capable of.

Glad coparent was there. He sounds unhinged, please be careful, especially if you’re now on your own.

I am but have a safety plan in place that I used to have to use with coparent...

They’re wrong.

Firstly, you don’t owe him closure. It’s his problem, not yours.

Secondly, all he will do is plead and then he’ll want another conversation, and another, and another. He’s already hounded you about this. He’s not going to stop because you have a conversation with him. He’ll just claim you gave him another hope by talking to him.

Oh okay, that makes sense. But I’m wondering if he has changed his mind. Otherwise what was he going to do when the time came to travel, or return home. But I guess he’s not thinking that far ahead.

He came back again this morning but dropped something off for my kid at the door and then left without ringing the doorbell. It's a canvas print of cartoon animals which matches their room but there's no room for it

You don't owe him anything
He knows fine rightly what he did wrong

Just keep him blocked and forget about it but I don't really understand this part of the issue?:

Work is immovable, can never take an hour early off or even 5 minutes to say hi if I was close by.

So you were racist but now needed confirming he's "actually Australian". Must have been disappointing.

I think OP was being needy, but it still does not excuse his harassment.

By continually contacting you after you've broken up with him, means he's still trampling all over your boundaries and doesn't respect your decisions. The fact he's not listened previously when you've said No or Stop, is massive red flags. Him not respecting your decision to end the relationship, and the continual attempts to contact you, shouldn't be much of a surprise, given his previous form.

You should have ended the relationship the moment he wouldn't stop undressing/kissing you. You've been lucky that eventually after repeatedly saying No or Stop, he has. There will come a point when those words repeatedly said, won't stop him. He wants what he wants, and he doesn't care enough to be bothered about your boundaries.

You absolutely need to keep screenshots of any messages that he's sent to you, since the breakup. He's likely to try to keep contacting you, by any means he can. Keep him blocked.

I mean, he’s bordering on creepy now!

Make sure you’ve got evidence of stuff in case you need it. Have you got a ring doorbell?

Glad you’ve got a safety plan, even if sad you already had one, and are now needing it again!

You are being more than reasonable to end this r/ ship and block him ....he's like a rat up a drain pipe and fortunatly you have ended it yet the trouble is he is stalking you in an effort to :-

• Make you change your mind

• Sending you money in an effort to gas light you.

The trouble is, if you got back with him and you said no, the leopard does not change its spots and he could be yet again not accepting no for an answer.........the consequences do not bear thinking about.

He's a fool.
He does not take you seriously.

FGS be careful, he is gas lighting.

I mean i think the whole "when hes at work he cant leave early or take 5 mins to talk to me" why would you expect him to leave early? Or talk to you? Bizarre.

But continuing after no is at best attempted SA.

And tbh i dont know why youre asking this. Your boundaries dont have to be anyone elses (although dont SA me should be kinda a basic one for us all) you can block him for wearing ugly shoes if you want. But you should see this pestering you as yet another time he ignores NO

Definitely not. Even if accompanied by strong male friends that sit on the next table (been there), its still giving him false hope that you are persuadable.

Keep him blocked and ignore. He doesnt sound like he has anything to offer you. Long distance and visa issues.... RUN for the hills OP.

Don't do this! That's the worse thing you could do imo. To him, it will indicate there is still hope & in his mind, it will tell him that if he pesters you enough, you'll give in.

Only if it gives you closure.

Having trouble finding things to fit your narrative?