AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

I think you're worrying too much about this. You don't need to declare how many relationships you've had or people you've slept with. Ultimately you just took relationships you thought would last to the next level, perhaps your learn is to take your time.
You've done the brave thing by leaving those relationships because you weren't happy and not just stuck with it for the sake of it. If you'd not been married would any one bat an eye lid? No.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Love the fact you have such a good relationship with DC's dad's.

I'd argue that marriage probably isn't for you.
You can't say you haven't given it a good go!

No - you had a child with husband 1. That child must have subsequently lived with husbands 2 and 3.

Thats an assumption my eldest has lived with my youngest’s father. They know each other very well and he still to this day takes them out together etc.

The previous comment I was originally responding to was under the impression that my children have men and in and out of their lives. So I said my eldest has met their father and their siblings father and that’s been the case for many years. My youngest has never lived with my eldest a father but he knows my eldest as father. Our coparenting situation has worked out quite well, they’re siblings at the end of the day. Now they’ve both met my current partner and they liked meeting him, we’ve been seeing each other for pretty much a year now. It is not as though they will need to see and interact with him every single day. My children come first in a lot of my decisions I would never go out of my way to put them in any danger. Their safety is important to me.

The comments have a lot of assumptions just because I don’t feel as though this post warrants details into my personal life to that extent.

Okay since you know let’s go with that.

Maybe marriage wasn't for the men she married and it wasn't actually ops fault? A woman leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't make her the problem

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband.

My first marriage was in my 20s we were both very young we did not have any children.

Jesus, no wonder people are confused. Some consistency would be good here. If it's a case of changing minor details to protect your anonymity then you need to work hard to keep on top of your own lies.

If the whole thread is a lie you still need to work hard to keep on top of your own lies.

Ahaha maybe not but Id like to think I get to decide what I do with my life. You don’t know why I ended my marriages. There’s lots of nuances within this.

My amazing grandma was married 4 times her last husband for 49 years before she passed away. I don’t judge women for their choices I have my own choices that I’ve made based on my own personal circumstances.

Okay thanks

This makes zero sense.
Husband 1 was when you were young and you DID NOT have children? But you have 2 children from different fathers, so you had your children with husbands 2 and 3?
But you haven’t mentioned husband 3 to your bf because you don’t have a child with him?!?

I think you’ve confused yourself and lost track of husbands and co-parenters.

I don’t usually disagree with this but 3 marriages and 3 divorces by 40 does suggest that a bit more thought should be done before marching down the aisle!

We know it because it’s what you said in your OP: ”One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband.”

But then later on you said that your first marriage was in your 20s and you didn’t have children from it.

And you said child 1 only knew the father of child 2 on days out. But surely he lived with you all?

You keep contradicting yourself OP.

And yes of course you should tell your partner, but no-one on here can predict how he’ll take it.

I am not going to go into all the details on a public forum. My eldest has only lived with my youngest’s father last time I checked.

Maybe. I know people who have been married twice. Once very young, very briefly, no kids. It happens to loads of us, especially those of us who are old enough to have lived through that pre-2000 when almost everyone got married in their late teens and early twenties, rather than simply living together.

Second time around it was a long marriage with children that eventually failed for the same sorts of reasons it can happen to anyone.

Three husbands and three divorces by 40 in today's terms and it starts to look less like bad luck and more like it might actually be something about you. It suggests that either:

You have really shitty judgement.
You make irresponsible, self-indulgent choices without sufficient thought
You are a hopeless romantic or a desperate fool
You are actually the problem and you are a nightmare to live with.

Without a doubt every women on MN would be telling other women in no uncertain terms to swerve a 40 year old bloke with three marriages already behind him and two kids with two mums. Especially one who couldn't keep his story straight on his own thread about the timeline and which wives he had had children with.

Have you done any reflection/undertaken therapy to understand why your marriages keep failing?

If I’m wrong, please correct me. I’m genuinely confused and think it’s relevant to the discussion.
Your bf’s response to hearing about your third marriage won’t just be determined by what he feels about people marrying multiple times, but also how they handled their children’s well being through all of the inevitable upheavals of multiple failed relationships.
You sound a little but glib/flippant about something that really matters. I’m hoping I’ve misunderstood, so please explain which bit I got wrong.

You could have had any number of serious relationships that failed that he probably would know nothing about. If you are the sort of person who prefers to marry if you are in a serious relationship that's not something to be ashamed of.

I guess I am all those things ahah

I just think people are making assumptions as if they’re facts based on little to no information or as if they know my reasons for things I have kept it as vague as possible.

Of course I am not going to put every single detail on here. My post was in regards to telling my partner and I’m telling him today.

But it would be fine if the op had had half a dozen serious relationships and never been married or only married once? Then she would only have to mention her children's fathers to him. Actually marrying people you are living with, presumably for years, is now something to be ashamed of?

I’d sit him down and tell him now. Tell him it has never come up and you’re ashamed of it so tend not to even think about it where possible but you need him to know so he doesn’t find out whenever and feel hurt or blindsided.

you have to be open and honest. It’s the truth and he will hear it sometimes so better get ahead of it right now.

To have been divorced three times by your late 30s does indicate very poor decision-making when it comes to relationships so I wouldn’t blame him for seeing it as an issue.

My eldest has only ever met their half siblings father enough for us all to go on days out together.

Querying this isn't "purposefully misunderstanding" - this sentence literally doesn't make sense.

DC1 (from Marriage no.2) has only met DC2's father (Marriage no.3) a few times? Did DC1 not live with you during Marriage no.3 then?

I am always so impressed/proud of people who get divorced.
It is not the easiest thing to do and people only do it as a last resort.
I think it shows bravery and self respect.

However, I would not be in a relationship with a man who had been married 3 times before he was 40.
Sorry, but it comes across as though he is impulsive and doesn’t take weddings/marriage seriously and so I’d never feel secure with him.

You just need to ‘rip the band aid off’ and tell him.

I would be annoyed that you kept this from me for so long and that would make me question your trustworthiness.
However, I do understand not being sure when the right time is to tell someone.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

Okay well he lived with us all so I’d say theyve met him more than a handful of times. But what do I know about my own life or children or ex husbands eh

I described it in a confusing way but previous comment I was responding to made it seem as though my children met every man I have ever dated which isn’t the case at all. They’ve just recently met my partner and I thought a year is enough time & their dads are aware.