AIBU to go to this family party?

[Dappy777]

Someone in my extended family was caught meeting an underage girl he groomed online. It went to court, but he escaped prison. His parents, siblings, etc, made excuses (she led him on, he was ‘depressed,’ that sort of thing). They minimalised and dismissed the whole thing. Tomorrow I will have to sit in a room with this person or miss out on a family get together.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? By sitting in a room and talking to him I feel like I’m condoning what he did. But if I don’t go, I won’t see people I love. My friend’s brother was convicted of viewing indecent images of children and she cut him out of her life completely.

Hard to know if he understood how wrong he was. He hated being in prison and was clear that he would not risk that again.
But my main concern was to support his children. I have not seen their dad for years but listen and reply when they mention him, because they don't want to pretend he doesn't exist. That would feel like being annihilated themselves.

It is useful though. So you were wrong. And you are suggesting that they should act based on a likelihood of reoffending, it’s the only thing you mentioned actually when this is much more complex for the OP and the wider families. It’s not “grandstanding” it’s genuine disgust and good instincts.

I suspect we have worked in a similar environment based on your previous post, unfortunately the service has been staffed with inexperienced and unsuitable people who do tend to get this type of tunnel vision.

Surely his children could have had contact with him outside larger scale family gatherings? He shouldn't have been invited to them at all which would have prevented his children witnessing people ignoring him or even challenging him.

Your account remind me of India Knight standing by her husband Eric Joyce and defending and excusing his crimes.

Then you have not read my account with an open mind.

I'd have an open mind about consenual non-monogamous sexual relationships and other legal consenual sexual practices between consenting adults.

I don't have an open mind about child sexual abuse and people being friendly and polite to the perpetrator to avoid embarassment at social gatherings. If I knew that someone who had a criminal record for CSA was invited, I wouldn't be attending.

This...

All the people saying...' I coudlbt possibly be una room woth someone who did that...!'

I understand the sentiment entirely....

BUT you will have rubbed shoulders with people who have done far worst and they just haven't been caught.

You are reading things into my comments which are not there. I said nothing about avoiding embarrassment and nothing about socialising. I said that my young relatives who have the misfortune to have a sex offender as a father, could not bear to see him routinely shunned by the whole of their family when he got out of prison, which had made them frantic with worry about his safety. So if we happened to bump into their dad when visiting other family, we would say hello politely, and also allow his children to talk about him without focusing on his crimes. To respect their feelings, not their dad's.

I couldn't go. Absolutely non negotiable for me.

I doubt that OP is coming back, but I think we need to know more about the offence to judge whether we'd go or not.

Personally I'm loath to punish other family members for the sins of one of them, so it would matter to me whether they were defending him from having sex with someone fifteen and a half, who he'd got to meet on the internet, or whether he went on to some really nefarious site and deliberately groomed a twelve year old.

My Sis is married to one of these - the whole family is united in the view that she may wish to stay married to him and is entitled to do so - however he is completely persona non grata to the whole family. Sis is welcome and is always included in family events - he is neither invited or mentioned.

Likewise, not family but close friend’s husband. I just avoided gatherings with him there as much as possible.

"How old" was the underage girl?

Because that would make all the difference about being in the same room AND having an discussion with someone who dares coming up with "she led him on".

How "underage" are we talking about

Christ alive

Are you being serious?

You might not care if the victim was 8 years old as opposed to 17, normal people do care. Going to a party with other people blaming an 8 year old would not be an option for some of us.

We had a rapist in our huge extended family who came to family events - weddings, funerals etc. We barely knew him, but my mum and dad did, apparently raped my uncles first wife back in the 1960s (she died of cancer when we were all quite young). Seems some fault was placed on her as she was an alcoholic and drunk at the time 😡

By the time we were aware of his history we were adults and he was in his 70s (my grans generation), it was common knowledge in the family. He was loaded, a multi millionaire and it was disturbing seeing family from my mums generation and some of my cousins hover around him like flies around shit. Mum always said they were all on the look out for an inheritance. Don't know if they ever got one as we chose not to keep in contact with any of them - hope he sent the lot to charity.

Weddings were like a game of tag. We'd be sitting having a conversation and someone would say "here comes Andy the rapist" and we'd all just scatter! If I ever got cornered by him I would just look him up and down with disgust and blatantly ignore him.

Whether you go or not depends on so many things that you would never be able to fully explain on this thread, I never let Andy the rapist spoil large family events for me. It was a bit different as it was ancient history by the time we knew about it, we didn't now the people involved well, and we could just shun him, but for offences much fresher I think it would be much harder.

I couldn't be in the same room as someone (temporary was family) who abused my niece more recently, around 20 years ago, and not end up being arrested for causing him harm (unlikely as all of our and his family have disowned him, even his own mother and son, and last I heard he was in jail again somewhere down south for another offence against a young child).

Are you for real?

Thankyou for the replies everyone. I did go, but thankfully the person concerned didn’t show up.

I spoke to a few people about this over the weekend. Every single one of them had been in similar situation. They all knew a man on the sex offender’s register, or a man who’d been to prison for a sexual offence. Most said they had no choice but to tolerate them. Either they had to work with them or live next door to them or see them at family gatherings.

One had a cousin who’d been convicted of viewing indecent images of children, another told me her father in law had been to prison for historic abuse. When you talk to people, it’s terrifying how everyone knows a man who has committed a sexual offence!!

I’d have gone and told everyone very loudly exactly what I thought of him and anyone else that enabled him.

1. it would make me feel good
2. it would negate any future invitations

Absolutely no way I'd go. The family members excusing his behaviour are vile and I wouldn't mix with them either.

When you say it went to court and he escaped prison, do you mean he wasn’t convicted at all? Or was he found guilty but got a non custodial sentence?
Because if it’s the former be prepared for people to argue that as why they are still associating with him. Obviously things are a more clear cut if they are choosing to condone the actions of a convicted child sex offender.
Either way I wouldn’t want to be near him. Whether or not you still associate with those around him who minimised it all depends how much they mean to you. My feelings for them would be dimmed for me.

Being surrounded by family and friends makes him look like a safe person for future victims / families of future grooming victims. Any children around including future grandchildren will receive the message that he is a safe person that the family trusts. It makes it even harder for them to trust their own instincts.

Also, think about how many people post asking if it is a red flag that their new man has no contact with children etc. It does flag someone up as a possible concern.

I would attend but grey rock. Do not go near him. If your paths do cross give one word answers and do not.ask questions back and.move away.

There is nuance with these things, he wasn’t given a custodial sentence, was he actually convicted? You say grooming but it can be the other way, it can be lying about age too. I have no idea about your family member but my friend could have been convicted, she was 14, but because they met in an over 18 nightclub and she had said she was 18 the police didn’t prosecute, he was just told to be more careful (2 month relationship)

Go if you want to but if it were me I’d either not go, or I’d make it known your thoughts on him very vocally before leaving dramatically.