AIBU to go to this family party?

[Dappy777]

Someone in my extended family was caught meeting an underage girl he groomed online. It went to court, but he escaped prison. His parents, siblings, etc, made excuses (she led him on, he was ‘depressed,’ that sort of thing). They minimalised and dismissed the whole thing. Tomorrow I will have to sit in a room with this person or miss out on a family get together.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? By sitting in a room and talking to him I feel like I’m condoning what he did. But if I don’t go, I won’t see people I love. My friend’s brother was convicted of viewing indecent images of children and she cut him out of her life completely.

But if I don’t go, I won’t see people I love.

If you love them that much, surely you can see them another time 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't want to be near him, nor his supporters.

Yes, I have. But more importantly I don't substitute my experience, which is limited to cases that attracted a prison sentence, with well conducted research.

I wouldn't go and I'd make sure the host knew why.

I wouldn’t go.

It would have been best for the kids for him to be cut-out of their lives when they were children. Now that they are grown-up they are in a very difficult situation, do they tell their partners that if they have kids they wouldn’t be able to see the grandad as he’s a peado and it’s not safe or do they keep this secret to themselves and choose never to have kids because of this.

The adults at the time made the wrong choice keeping that awful person in their lives.

And I think the adults at the time used the kids feelings for their dad as an excuse not to stand-up to this man and do the right thing (get rid). The only winner in this situation is the peado.

@Dappy777 that person should no longer be at any family events. Those who allow him there, allow his behaviour. Those who attend an event knowing he’ll be there also allow his behaviour.

I would not knowingly be in the same room as peado, unless it was in a courtroom watching justice be served.

These awful humans cause a life-sentence to their victims and do not deserve to be socialising with their family or friends ever again.

I have no idea how being in the same room as them condones anything but the world is getting crazier so who knows these days

Your willing to mix with a pedophile, so do condone his behaviour. It starts to get dangerous if you have children, because their friends could become a target, as happened to one of Rolf Harris victims.

A MIL or SIL makes a wrong comment on here and posters are told to never be in their company again, but Uncle Pervy should be forgiven. Hopefully they'll all be judged on the company they keep.

People are advised not to see family members who treat them badly in order to protect themselves from poor treatment, not because it’s some sort of mark of shame that will ensure morality.

Was he convicted?

How old was the girl? I know I'll get flammed for this, but for me it does make a difference if the child was a 2 year old or a 15 and 9 month year old

A two year old isn't online to be groomed.
If she was 15 it doesn't make it ok, I would guarantee he isn't 16/17.

OP I wouldn't go but it would be a professional conflict of interest. I would also have no interest in being around someone who manipulates and exploits children for his own sexual gratification

I agree with you, they'd been through enough. Calling it enabling just isn't true either, people are more likely to commit those crimes if they are socially isolated.

It isn't my duty to help sex offenders to not reoffend. And it isn't self righteous to choose to only spend time with people I actually want to be around either.

That's an interesting perspective and my gut feeling is to agree with it, but then I wonder if some family as are upset as the OP but have been coerced into keeping quiet. It's hideously difficult. Personally I would go but not interact with him in any way, avert my eyes, not respond to any questions, anything at all. If anyone comments simply say you don't want to have anything to do with a paedophile. More concerning, are there children there, specifically adolescent girls, as he could well be a danger to them.

If he didn't get a prison sentence, then there's something very blurry around what he did. Because that's unusual. How old was this girl? And was it deliberate grooming?

There's a whole range of behaviours with an under age girl that might lead one to court, and there's a possibility that rather than him seeking it under girls, they simply met online, got close, met and then she was discovered to be a couple of months under age. That might or might but have been his kind of offence.

There's a paedophile on the outer edges of my circle who I would never want to be within 100 metres of (he got several years in prison but is now out).
A person who went to court for an offence on the blurrier edge of the law but didn't get a jail sentence, is someone I might feel uncomfortable around, but wouldn't allow to affect my relationships and socialising with family.

just go, if you have other family you want to see

Thank you for understanding.
I understand the horror people feel, perhaps especially parents, but I don't think that refusing on principle to say hello is necessarily useful.

I didn’t suggest it was anybody’s duty to help sex offenders not reoffend. Nor that anyone who chooses not to go because they don’t want to be around him was being self righteous.

I was pointing out that the grandstanding over not going as some form of public statement to censure him was not useful and that condemning OP for going to be around other people she wants to see was self righteous.

Don't go, you can visit other family members at a different time. I disagree with those who say you should be sociable with someone who has behaved like that. It is a social event.

Yes, I’d be there talking to the people who avoid him. Avoiding the people who talk to him.

Until there’s honesty about his behaviour, there’s no changing it.

This doesn't describe the situation in my family. Everyone deplored his crime and said so, including his children when they were old enough to express it. Nobody suggested he hadn't done it or that the victim was in any way to blame. But we recognised that he's also a human being and a father whose children loved him, and isolating him completely would hurt them very much without telling their dad anything he hadn't already been told.

But did he? Did he accept what he did was wrong?
Supporting someone who is changing their behaviour is quite different from supporting someone who will continue that behaviour given the opportunity because they don’t accept it’s abusive and morally bankrupt.

There are people who feel they have no choice but to support an offender of this type. I would support those people, but not to the extent of welcoming the offender. Quite different.

There's been many a post telling a OP to cut off an elderly relative because they sometimes use outdated language, or they are a benefit cheat etc, but pedophilia get a free pass. If that's your stance, crack on, but be honest with yourself and your children that the safety of children, particulary women and girls matters not a jot to you. There's a few adverts featuring Dolores O'riordan, it always enrages me that we aren't seeing CSA as serious as murder. It takes lives via suicide, but also can take their MH, ability to trust, to have sex (so children are off the cards). We become laughable when China has tougher laws on this, than the UK.

Kids can’t protect themselves from abusive predators so it’s up to the adults around the predator to make a stand, and speak for all children that their predator behaviour is not accepted and will not be tolerated in society.

Socialising at the family event is doing the opposite of this.