Was DP’s best man speech a red flag?

[Molsmol8]

We were away for a lovely wedding this weekend - DP was one of two best men, and he had responsibility for the speech. I should qualify this by saying nearly everyone in attendance seemed to be laughing through most of it, so it’s possible I will be told to ‘unclench’, so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

’Highlights’ included:

-Referring to someone his friend once pulled on a night out as a cross between Vicky Pollard and Jabba the Hutt.

-Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite.

-A story about him shitting himself on a night out.

-Saying his friend is punching and questioning whether he has a ‘huge cock’.

His defence after was that he had tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for his friend and that he knows he will return the favour one day so wanted to give as good as he’ll get. It just felt a step too far for me, but as I said, I seemed in the minority.

DP said it’s par for the course for best man speeches and that it doesn’t reflect his wider views.

Yes. That's just it - all this stuff, if it has a place, is at the stag do, fgs.

When it comes to the wedding, with huge expense spent, all ages present and everyone wanting a happy day to remember in the future, it has no place at all and I'd judge any man (or woman) who lowered the tone at an actual wedding. Just leave it out.

There is no justification for it and I think the defenders of the BM on here are bonkers!!

I often wonder how many marriages/honeymoons kick off as a cold war because of the best man's "hilarious" efforts!

And I wonder that without ever having heard anything remotely as bad as the one in the OP. It's usually all the goss on previous girlfriends that has the bride looking steely.

And it is super disrespectful to the bride and her family, who have often played a large role in hosting it.

Me too, Calliopespa! I loved those simple weddings of my childhood. No silly evening do, either. The B & G went off after the meal, changed into smart outfits and left in a nice car which might or might not have been decorated by the BM and ushers.

No-one bankrupted themselves and we all got home by 7 pm with dignity intact! Perfect.

I have noticed how sensitive people who think vile behaviour like this is acceptable on MN, are to any reference to it being labelled as low class.

Low class behaviour isn't referring to a socio economic group.

It refers to a lack of respect for others and their comfort.
It refers to speaking about subjects that might make others feel shocked or uncomfortable.
It refers to the type of people who think they are entitled to spoil a brides day by embarrassing her and her family by talking about subjects that they wouldn't consider appropriate conversation.
It refers to people who are unwilling or unable to adapt their behaviour to their surroundings because they don't know or care to.

He's very obviously dragged up and doesn't know any better.

Because a good man who was reared to respect and care for others, wouldn't dream of dragging the conversation down to talk of sex and ablutions.
People with respect for others know their setting and audience, and adapt to it.

A nice wedding and lovely day was soured by this low life's determination to embarrass the groom and bride, and show to all there exactly the type of character the Groom thinks is his best man and associates with.

If I was the bride I would be vicious, and if it was my new son in law it would mark his card that his judgement was so completely off, in giving a complete oik such an important job at his wedding, and causing my daughter to be embarrassed.

Would he behave like this in front of his employer, clients?
What career does he have?

Because often this type can turn this behaviour on and off when it suits them.

This is who he is undoubtedly at his core, but masking it often happens.

When men like this no longer care about you and can't be arsed anymore, this is when the women in their lives get this version full time.

There are enough threads on MN about men who are all jolly and fun outside the house, and utterly vile to their wives and children in their behaviour and habits.

Most posters haven't come across this at weddings and are disgusted, but you have the crew on MN that will defend the lowest type of behaviour to the end, and bleat on about classism when others name it decisively.

I have absolutely no difficulty whatsoever calling him a low class oik that doesn't know or care about others, that he would make such a show of himself and the wedding couple by association.

He's the dregs, and if the OP cares about her parents and family she will think long and hard about whether she wants to move forward with someone who clearly couldn't care less about the enjoyment of others on such a special day.

If the wedding has been recorded I have no doubt the bride will ensure this speech is omitted from it.

OP, he is the very definition of a lout IMO.
It won't be the last time you will cringe and want the ground to swallow you up.

That poor bride and her family, one lout souring things on such a special and expensive day.

That's absolutely dreadful and very un-classy!

I disagree, 18 months is not long enough to see them in a variety of situations.
Not for most.
You're usually just dating, may not be spending that much time with other people.

He's a fecking idiot and she should get rid ASAP.

It's pointless to ask aibu IF you don't expect to be told what others think, either.

Obviously it's up to her what she chooses to do.

I, and the vast majority here, think the same.

Namely, he talks trash about women not merely mildly sexist as in calling them 'lovely girl' - I can live with that- but in a really misogynistic way, has no clue about the correct way to conduct himself in social situations and beneath it all he's just a common-or-garden lad.

Oh dear,
im firmly in the camp of it wouldn’t bother me one bit, I’d find it utterly hilarious. Presumably the guy knew bride and groom alike, so long as the bride took it in the spirit it was given then 🤷‍♀️.

People with seemingly no self esteem

To describe something or someone as low class or high class has nothing to do with classism in terms of working class, middle class, or upper class. In the context of the wedding speech it's about attitude and appropriateness - it was a low class, rough, inappropriate speech, didn't matter the social status of the man delivering it.

Donald Trump is the very epitome of low class in everything he does. His very privileged background didn't automatically make him a high class person.

I would be concerned as to how my DP knows his friends likes to take it up the arse... history there?

I've been to quite a few weddings, one BM speech was almost as awful as that, and I chuckled, but more in a "wtf" way. I couldn't believe they were so crude on front of the couples family.

It doesn't really matter if we think you're overreacting, it's what you think that matters.

I know my OH would have run the speech past me, asking if I thought it was ok or a bit much.

I just don't get how he could say all that in front of family and children and think it's funny.

Your partner is an absolute dickhead. Imagine having an immature twat making a speech like that at your wedding? I'd be appalled, and I have quite a blokey soh.

Well, if he's from the South - it's all a no-go. If from the North, just business as usual. Sorry, this is a wind-up and I will be flayed.

Truly, it was a crass speech. This isn't how speeches are for a best man. It's how speeches are if you've got no imagination and haven't done your homework. Nil points.

Imagine what crude shite his bestman/men will write in the speech/s at his wedding.

Yeah, I find this kind of thing tacky as fuck. Find it weird that everyone was laughing at it. How old is he? YANBU, he sounds grim.

You don't even need an imagination, just a bit of humility. An ability to think: not everybody's going to like what I say so I'll be as bland as possible.
Nobody's expecting great wit, just very mildly cheeky stuff about the groom and compliments to the bride.
And the shorter the better so everybody can get on with drinking.

If he’s respectful and no issues in your 18 months just chalk it up to having wildly different sense of humours. If that’s something you can accept. The thing with speeches is there is so much pressure to be funny - maybe the pressure got to him.

I wouldn’t dump him over a speech he face at a wedding where they found it amusing personally.

Bit crass for a family event though for me.

This sort of crudity is what you get from men who can’t manage wit or subtlety. A brilliant BM speech I heard was (after courteous thanks to parents, compliments to bride and bridesmaids etc) about how the groom adapted his school uniform to show off his legs…by carrying on wearing shorts long past the time when others had gone onto long trousers. It was very wittily told - à la Hugh Grant on a good day - and had us all in stitches. It was affectionate and inoffensive and suitable for everyone while causing the groom to blush a bit. But few men can manage that so they need to stick to the basic courtesies and just propose the toasts.

And fgs, keep it short! As they say: stand up to be seen, speak up to be heard andSIT DOWN to be appreciated.

To me, banter involves a small group or a two-way exchange in a casual setting. A crude speech at a bachelor/stag party might fly, but not at a wedding reception.

I would find it incredibly unattractive and be questioning if I even know this guy!

I feel sorry for posters who think this behaviour is normal and acceptable.

Sorry, but my husband would never speak like this, and that's one reason he's my husband.

I think your boyfriend sounds crude, sexist, and unintelligent. It's up to you if these are qualities you are willing to overlook in a partner. I wouldn't be.

Talking about liking things 'up the bum' and hoping there was a strap-on in the bridal suite were two of the items he deemed 'toned down' for kids? Christ.

"He’s mid 30’s - some children were present, and he said he toned it down and made sure not to swear as a result."