Was DP’s best man speech a red flag?

[Molsmol8]

We were away for a lovely wedding this weekend - DP was one of two best men, and he had responsibility for the speech. I should qualify this by saying nearly everyone in attendance seemed to be laughing through most of it, so it’s possible I will be told to ‘unclench’, so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

’Highlights’ included:

-Referring to someone his friend once pulled on a night out as a cross between Vicky Pollard and Jabba the Hutt.

-Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite.

-A story about him shitting himself on a night out.

-Saying his friend is punching and questioning whether he has a ‘huge cock’.

His defence after was that he had tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for his friend and that he knows he will return the favour one day so wanted to give as good as he’ll get. It just felt a step too far for me, but as I said, I seemed in the minority.

DP said it’s par for the course for best man speeches and that it doesn’t reflect his wider views.

Appalling.

No, for some people this kind of crude humour and inappropriate public behaviour is such a massive ick that it is absolutely worth breaking up over.

I would have instantly lost all respect and wondered who on earth I’d been dating up to this point.

The best mans speech is supposed to be funny and include jokes at the grooms expense, with a general theme of 'isn't he lucky to have met such a lovely woman and all his mates are pleased for him'.

I've never been to a wedding with a speech like the one your DP gave though- I've only ever seen them in TV shows as a cliche. Talking about sex life/ strap ons would have me counting my buttons not laughing away if I was a guest tbh.

The speech at our wedding was nothing like this but then DH is not very 'lads, lads, lads'. If your DP made this speech you must have other clues that this is what him and his mates are like....

Yes. Absolutely agree.
At the very least you couldn't relax in a public setting or a social occasion for worry about what the clown will do next.

Who needs that?

Who the hell needs to be told that you make a best man's speech as bland and inoffensive as possible.
Nobody expects an Oscar Wilde level of wit.
A little bit of inoffensive mildly cheeky humour about the time he slept in a skip at university (or whatever) and compliment the bride.
Job done.

That would be instant ick for me.

I'd say if you plan on marrying him after all then ffs ELOPE!!

I'm clenching with you. Nope. Gross.

Grim. My DH and his friends can be a bit rough round the edges but they would never think this was ok 😳

More red flags than a soviet may day parade

I find 'laddy' men a huge turn off so no, I don't think you're BU at all.

My vagina retreated and shut up shop just reading that.

Grim.

Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite

Jesus. Imagine saying that in front of his bridge and her whole fucking family as well. Awful. No thoughts as to how she would feel about it. It's all about them and how disgusting and macho they are. Dump.

Despite having heard of this before, and used it myself, seeing this still amuses me more than any of his speech content specified by OP.

A year and a half of good decent behaviour far outweighs one stupid, vulgar speech.

I’d be more offended by the fact that it’s just not funny. It takes skill to be funny, and you ain’t got it then don’t try. The fact that he thinks this kind of trite, basic humour is funny would put me off him as I’d think he was a bit thick.

I was waving my red flag at Bullet Number 1. It got progressively worse from there...

He sounds coarse - and, to be honest, not very nice-natured.

I couldn't have someone with that humour round my friend group; they'd all think he was foul.

She's been with him for 18 months that's not really long enough to see him in a variety of situations. It's nothing, especially if he's on his best behaviour.

There's a first time for everything and this is who really he is.

Also the 'ick' cannot be reasoned with.
When something turns you off about someone, there's no reasoning with it.

It is what it it is -as my rough -around- the -edges old builder pub friend would say.

Though as rough around the edges as he is, he wouldn't do this.
Too old-fashioned (thank god) to mention strap-ons in front of the bride.

As a bloke, who has been to a few weddings, this speech was vulgar, crass and had no place at a wedding, I hope to God no children were present.

Horribly crass. I have been to lots of weddings over the years and I haven't ever heard anything like this.

I am sorry, OP, I do think it's a red flag. I would be so embarrassed in this situation.

18 months is long enough to know what he is like. The speech was horrible, no denying that, but he was put in a position alien to him; he probably dreaded making a fool of himself at best, not being amusing at worse, and he came out with a foul speech, possibly helped along by his mates.
People laughed because either they were awfully embarrassed or (if his lad mates were guests) genuinly thought it was funny.

How the OP handles it is up to her.
If the way he acted has made her see him in a new light and she has got the dreaded 'ick' with him, there will be no sense in carrying on the relationship.
If she can get past his behaviour at the wedding, and she loves him, it's just a blip, and people get over far worse all the time.

Was he really anxious over it and got very badly carried away desperately trying to make it 'funny' as a result?

I think he really badly misjudged it, but I'm not sure I'd leave someone over it if it was a one off.

Sounds like they went way overboard and gross, surely family were there too?

Gooseling · Yesterday 19:39
CoffeeCantata · Yesterday 19:24
Well I’m with Banaba!
And if you RTFT, I think you’ll find most people are.
How any woman could find this kind of unoriginal, hackneyed, corny, embarrassing rubbish ‘OK’….I’m speechless! But it seems some are quite OK with these low grade, dodgy men.
Show quote history
And if you RTFT, I think you’ll find most people are.
Yes, because this is Mumsnet. Y’know thats known for its predominantly middle and upper class user base. Where Classism is routinely accepted and shown.
Of course the vast majority on a site like this would be up in arms and clutching their pearls vomiting over “low grade” people. 🤣

I don't know where to start with this very telling post!

I'm from a working class background - the weddings I attended as a youngster were very much the church-hall reception with ham salad or at best a chicken dinner and trifle to follow - and nothing wrong with that. None of the BM or grooms I remember from my youth ever said anything you couldn't tell a nursery child. I really resent the idea that only UC people know how to behave!

The last tranche of weddings I attended were my contemporaries, and a couple of younger distant relations and again, they were lovely affairs with all ages present and just pleasant, civilised and wholesome. The sort of stuff which goes on at some weddings I have only learned about from MN. Your claim that MN is some kind of MC enclave is ridiculous! I had my eyeballs scorched reading about the shenanigans that go on at weddings nowadays.

It's nothing to do with class - it's to do whether your friends and relations are vulgar, loud, brash, crass, ignorant and happy to spoil someone else's very expensive day in order to outdo each other at showing what wankers they are.

I guess sometimes the differences in male/female friendship groups is then reflected in the stag do and then the wedding. If the boundaries are often pushed far in the group, like with brutal humour etc, then this translates to the best man speech.

In my limited experience the hens were quite supportive and just wanted a nice normal night out and then a peaceful, happy wedding. The stags seemed to regard it as their mission to humiliate the groom as much as possible, and roasted him in their speech. That said, there was no mention of strapons or huge cocks 🤣 I would have thought it was a given not to include these in a wedding speech, sounds like a combo of drink & brutal somewhat loutish humour tbh. I wouldn't be thrilled about it at my wedding & can see your point!

church-hall reception with ham salad

Slight derail, but that's exactly as they should be imo if that's what the budget dictates!

I hate this idea of overstretching then asking the guests to give money for a gift and having half of them only to an evening "after" thing because you couldn't give them all champagne and lobster on gold painted party hire chairs at a stately home venue.

I would have been mortified