Was DP’s best man speech a red flag?

[Molsmol8]

We were away for a lovely wedding this weekend - DP was one of two best men, and he had responsibility for the speech. I should qualify this by saying nearly everyone in attendance seemed to be laughing through most of it, so it’s possible I will be told to ‘unclench’, so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

’Highlights’ included:

-Referring to someone his friend once pulled on a night out as a cross between Vicky Pollard and Jabba the Hutt.

-Saying he knows his friend has always liked things in his bum and turning to the bride to ask if she has a strapon in the bridal suite.

-A story about him shitting himself on a night out.

-Saying his friend is punching and questioning whether he has a ‘huge cock’.

His defence after was that he had tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for his friend and that he knows he will return the favour one day so wanted to give as good as he’ll get. It just felt a step too far for me, but as I said, I seemed in the minority.

DP said it’s par for the course for best man speeches and that it doesn’t reflect his wider views.

Of all the weddings I’ve been to, only one had a best man’s speech like that. People laughed wildly, I think with shock and trying to cover up embarrassment.

People often go along with what they believe is expected of them. That may have been the only kind of best man’s speech your DP had ever heard, or someone may have told him it was normal.

This cannot be real can it?

No, I think you will find the audience was laughing at the ladies, described as 'complete dogs the groom dated, although we are delighted to have so many of them here today'.

Its sad that he did that. The bum jokes and strap on are vulgar.

I guess it takes intelligence and effort to be witty and create a charming memorable speech and he chose to be lazy and gross..literally shitting on their day 🤢

crude and unsophisticated, if he's under 30 then he might grow up if you are lucky

Sounds like banter better suited to the stag do instead of with an audience full of wedding guests potentially including children and grandparents.

Such a big day for the wedding couple and their families. Such a shame your boyfriend had to be such an embarrassing idiot.

This is a rippling red flag for three reasons:

• The fact your oh thought it was appropriate to even say the words 'huge cock' and 'strap on' in front of children is genuinely disgusting
• Delivering a best man speech that is both funny and tender is a skill that not everyone has so it's hard to judge him for not doing that, but just cramming in a load of smut at the age of 35 or however old he is suggests your oh is not intelligent or mature enough to recognise what he needs to do in that position
• You now know how you can expect to be referred to at your own wedding if you marry him. Do you really want to spend the whole day on edge because you're worried about what private things your oh might have told his idiot mate that will be making an appearance on what's supposed to be one of the best days of your life?

Unless he's immediately apologetic and validates your feelings with zero defensiveness I would just get rid of him

(Also, this is a personal thing but ai can't stand the multiple best man thing, it gives real primary school 'joint best friend' energy. Make a decision and stick to it!)

Would be ok (if a bit crude) at a stag do, but totally inappropriate for a wedding. It’s a family occasion.

I’ve genuinely never been to a wedding where the best man has given a speech like that. It’s obvious ill-judged to talk about stuff up the arse at a family event with strangers. Usually, a man giving a speech would consider other family members, possible children present etc but it sounds like your DP has just had no filter at all about what’s appropriate.

I wouldn’t use the laughter as a benchmark of whether it was acceptable. People will have laughed because 1) they are drunk; 2) sometimes really loud laughter is an OMG he said what?!; 3) they will try to minimise the embarrassment for the bride; 4) the only alternative is awkward silence as it all falls flat ruining the wedding speeches.

Your Dp has told you what to expect from the best man's speech if you marry your Dp.

So my husbands best friend is exactly the kind of person I would expect to give a speech like this. But even he gave a wonderful, appropriate speech that did rip into my husband but in an appropriate and respectful tone all present kind of a way.

For me this would really put me off.

I love a witty, funny, anecdotal best man speech as much as anyone, but your DPs punch lines were none of these things . They were just rude,e mbarrassing and in very poor taste. Was the bridge laughing. ? No? Well there's your answer. And presumably whoever your DP would choose as his best man would do the same.

Vulgar and embarrassing. A complete turn off.

Absolutely awful. Even "toned down" (it doesn't sound like it was, much) for children present. It's disgraceful, especially when there are going to be a range of ages and sensitivities present. Perhaps OK for a stag-only speech.

Were the bride's parents also laughing? Or her grandparents?!

At a friend's wedding some years ago, the best man made a remarkably similar speech, including "anecdotes" about the bride and groom's intimate encounters, complete with interjections from the groom and cat-calling from their mates in the room. Her parents left the reception, both in tears, before the end of the speech and did not return. Several aunts and uncles and one of the bride's brothers followed them out. The marriage lasted about three years.

I'm sorry @Molsmol8 - but, yes, this is well into red flag territory and the tip of the flagpole is pointing towards a grim future for you with this man. The most intimate parts of someone's personal life should not be served up for entertainment like that and the fact that he cannot see this and attempts to justify his behaviour only makes it worse.

I think some blokes completely forget that they’re at a wedding and they’re not a headline act at a comedy roast festival.

i don’t necessarily think it’s a dumping offence but I would think he was being disrespectful to the occasion and a twat for forgetting about the bride and how it would affect her day etc

id be telling him that it made me think he was immature and if he expects that for any possible future wedding of you two then you’ll be banning all speeches

@Molsmol8
Crude and horrible
And in what should've been a happy lovely day for all
Poor Bride she must've been mortified
And thats not a red flag
It's scarlet

They do not. And many do not maintain successful relationships..

I would be fuming if my child was present during that. My parents would have been mortified if I married someone who spoke like that. It's base humour. Absolutely vile.

You deserve better OP.

It gives me the ick reading it.

People were laughing as they felt awkward.

People are allowed individual preferences. If the OP didn't like it, and doesn't want to be with the sort of person who'd want it at his wedding, that's her prerogative even if the bride and groom thought it was the funniest thing since Laurel & Hardy.

I would be very upset if the best decided his speech on my wedding day was the right time to talk about my husband with another women. Vile.

I’d think it was tacky and gross - I’d like to think I have a good sense of humour but it’s not my sort of thing at all. The nasty remarks about the woman he pulled would annoy me and if that’s the sort of best man speech he is expecting when he gets married, no thank you! I guess if it went down well then he knows his audience but it would reflect a very different sense of humour than I have and I’d expect that to grate on me majorly over time.