To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

They can’t, they don’t own it.

Bloody hell you paid for their wedding and honeymoon too? No doubt someone will pipe up soon and accuse you of wanting to insert yourself in their marriage by footing yet another bill.

If it doesn't work out between son and DIL and there's a position to fill could you send me a DM? I wouldn't mind a MIL "controlling" me by paying for my holidays and rent. Plus side, I also made all my money from nothing and would happily sign a pre nup (I could even draft my own). We could talk business over coffee. Downside I guess is that my DH might not like it and I suppose your son should be allowed to have a say, too.

You keep saying this, OP doesn't control them financially, they live rent free in a property she bought. That is all. They can leave. The son works at the family business in a role that is relatively junior, he can leave.

The longer this thread goes on the happier I am that none of my DC married the child of someone so obsessed with protecting their horde within the “bloodline”. A spouse whose job, legal agreements and even the roof they are expected to share is all firmly under Mummy’s control.

You did not gift them an apartment - you expanded your property portfolio with an additional asset.

Your DS has no ambition, is happy go lucky cruising along in Daddy’s business and wants to spend his money enjoying life but its all the DiL’s fault they haven’t bought another property and don’t own their own home? No wonder you say DS is completely happy with the arrangement - what a disappointment he must be to you.

Even the prenup has your control all over it. I assume they had paid legal advice and yet your experience is better?

As for “what did she expect”? Well you have no idea what promises he made before they married. In their early and mid 20s many young people live the life, your DiL , like most young adults has presumably reached the age where she wants to settle to a more grown up existence whilst your DS is wanting to continue living the high life on family money. If your DS set expectations of eventually settling down to family life in the normal way I’m not surprised she is concerned about her future - my advice to her would be to get out quick.

As for your comments about SAHMs - you know full well that even on 50K the costs for two DC will wipe out more than your take home, the DiL is on less than that. Why was it essential for you to be a SAHM but the DIL can just find childcare?

As for this comment:
if, in 20 years’ time, my DIL had spent decades raising my grandchildren and found herself in a difficult position, I might well choose to help her.

Words fail me. She could spend a couple of decades devoting her efforts to your precious son and bloodline, in a marriage which provides her with zero security because of your careful control of your money and your son and you “might” deign to help her and put no value on her contribution. Meanwhile your own time as a SAHM was a valued and equal contribution to the business built by your husband.

BTW - I had four DC in six years and still worked full time as did DH - neither of us in 9-5 jobs. Its called paid help. You could have done that but chose to be a SAHM - the very choice you criticise your DiL for wanting to make.

Um, that is your son, not some random guy you dragged in off the street, so why are you acting like paying him even slightly above market rate would collapse company morale and trigger a staff uprising? You’re apparently terrified that an extra few thousand dollars might “demoralize” everyone, but gifting him an entire condo is perfectly reasonable.

Right, so favoritism is unacceptable when it appears on a paycheck, but completely fine when it comes with a front door and a mortgage-free deed. Like damn, girl, pick a principle.

It’s a horrible situation for both of them. I’d never have agreed to it. You are way too involved and controlling. I doubt it will end well.

Coercive and abusive behaviour happens in all sorts of relationships.

The DIL has married a man-child. She’ll work this out eventually and leave him hopefully before they have kids. She shouldn’t be a SAHM, she needs to keep her financial independence.

Omg what a cow paying for their wedding and honeymoon! And paying for holidays too - this poor dil, having to spend all her hard earned on skiing and fripperies and not even a million pound flat to show for it.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen as much sympathy on a mn thread for anyone like I have this dil - I assume it’s pure envy for the op for the most part rather than genuine concern

The honeymoon she paid for (I'm guessing not to the Isle of Wight) was probably a holiday she paid for just for DS/DIL.

Do you think she should also be paying for them to go on holiday alone every year? Plus for them to go on family holidays? Even though they both work and have very low outgoings because she's also covering their rent?

All of this. You have said it all as far as I’m concerned, and so much better than I have been able to articulate!

It's so funny isn't it. I feel like I'm going crazy reading some of these replies. Must be a combo of jealousy and entitlement. And perhaps a lot of unresolved MIL issues. My lovely MIL is much wealthier than me (or at least was 2 decades ago when we met) and I was grateful when she'd buy me lunch ffs 😂

Keeping his salary low ensures even less security for potential spouses in the event of a divorce after children. The OP seems so terrified that a DCiL might get their grubby mitts on a few of their precious coins that she is completely overlooking the fact that her 28 yr old son is entirely lacking in ambition, get go or much or a work ethic.

The latter would be much more concerning to me - if he doesn’t have drive and a work ethic by 28 he will always be dangling from the apron strings for his fancy holidays. Apparently that suits the OP.

Its a pattern I’ve seen a lot, its often the kiss of death on long term relationships.

Does your MiL own your home, your DH’s source of income and have the money arranged to ensure that even if you devoted your life to DC and DH’s well being you would have zero security?

And did she raise your DH to be a party boy with no work ethic?

Not jealous: I live a very nice life.
Not entitled: I earn my own money.
I don’t have a MIL and my FIL is lovely.

I still think the OP is wrong.

@Haikuing
I call it a gift because it is giving someone something of value for free. Housing has an obvious financial value, and they’re receiving that free of charge, effectively indefinitely. Or, if they preferred, they could receive the equivalent rental value as cash and live somewhere more modest.
In the same way, I’m incredibly grateful to my own mum. I still have a vivid image of her in her 60s holding two of my babies while the other two tore around the house, shooing me off when I needed to spend a few hours helping at the business. She wasn’t handing me money, but she was giving me something enormously valuable that saved me both childcare costs and a great deal of stress. To me, that’s easily the best gift anyone ever gave me but nothing was tangibly transferred.

Not OP. She has just offered - they could from the beginning choose rental property so just have income stream on the side which is shared by them both, DIL too. She could choose property with small council tax etc. it was their choice not OP.

Never heard of sub letting?

As a previous poster said: you did not give them a gift, you expanded your property portfolio. That’s all well and good, but I think semantics are important in your situation.

@sittingonabeach DIL was invited on an all expenses paid family holiday a couple of times for big birthdays of family members.
I did not come on their honeymoon so that was obviously just for DS and DIL.

Who says there’s strings? Op keeps saying there isn’t - are you calling her a liar? The gift is the free to live in house, she isn’t saying if dil doesn’t kiss her feet she gets turfed out.

The gift isn’t a fully funded sahm in central London lifestyle for dil and a cushy million pound role for her son however much some people seem to think it should be.

This sums it up. 'Might well chose to help her' it's the control. You can make judgement on whether she deserves to be helped, or not. A legal entitlement doesn't give that control. After years of bringing up grandchildren it's still all about you and you making the call whether the mother of your grandchildren deserves your help and will comply with the conditions you impose. Nasty, Nasty attitude, so common in affluent families, where money and threats of withdrawing money controls relationships along with a paranoid undercurrent of everyone is out to steal our assets away from us. The unhealthy knowledge about everything in your son's marriage is also toxic. What's a prenuptial got to do with OP, why is she privacy to the details of how much her DIL earns, why is she driving it all. A prenuptial is between the marrying partners. Not the mummy of one of the partners and the DIL.
The son would be best getting well away, but he won't because Mummy's money is making him dependent on an easier life. It's not enough to make it really easy, but enough to make it hard to turn his back on it.
Posts saying this is standard for families with assets are correct. Doesn't make it any less toxic though.

OP,
So if they bought somewhere more modest jointly as your gift was a joint wedding present would you pay the rental income from the 3 bed London flat into a joint account for them both or just into an account in your son’s name?

Exactly :)

No, I bought my home with no help from anyone and it was bloody hard and my life would have been much easier if I had had somewhere free to live for years. I lived rent free with my in laws for 6 months straight after uni and I was (and am) very grateful.

My DH has a normal job just like OPs son and could get another job within his salary range and competence just like OPs son.

My MIL doesn't "have the money arranged to ensure [I]...would have zero security" because like most families we don't have loads of intergenerational wealth. I have "security" because I've worked all my adult life so far and saved money, just like DIL can/presumably has been doing. But she'll be able to save a lot more than me because she is living rent free.

And no my DH is not a "party boy with no work ethic", but if he was I wouldn't blame his mum I simply wouldn't have married someone like that if I wanted instead to benefit from being with a high earner and not having to work. I'd have married his older brother or one of the literally dozens of single men in London with a good job.