To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Would you not pursue financial security by using the money saved on housing to invest in other assets in your own name instead? That's what I'd do.

She sounds like the opposite of a gold digger really. She's married a happy go lucky man with no money, who works for his mum, and she has no prospect of building marital assets with him as he's happy to live rent free and owning nothing.
You're determined to find fault with her. I wonder where do you see this going in terms of your family relationships? You already know all that all your wealth is safe, so what is the issue?
If she's unhappy with the set-up it's for her to raise with her husband, it's not really your business. They are both free to act as they see fit to resolve it. I just don't see them lasting the course and the family wealth is probably why they won't. Sad really. You can't take it with you.

Did you not read where the OP said that son & DIL picked the location? She would have been happy to buy a house anywhere, even as a buy-to-let for the income. They could still do this. Save a deposit (because they have no rent/mortgage bill) and buy a house up north for rental income. Plenty of houses sell in the north for between 100 & 150K.

Plus the husband's job is in London and the flat is near DIL's work. So clearly selected to mainly benefit DIL.

Finally, she chose to marry a man who doesn't value striving to work for a higher income (and indeed DIL doesn't want to do that either). DIL is being unreasonable to expect her MIL to do all of that.

OP - While I (sort of) understand your financial reasoning, you haven't done yourself any favours on here by saying that you have given them a flat, when you actually haven't, and then talking about keeping the money in the bloodline, have you?
One other point, if your DIL does become a SAHM, she'll be nurturing the continuation the bloodline.
And (sorry) you seem to almost take it for granted that they will divorce ...

@Retrolady13
To be fair, none of these comments started until after the wedding. Before that, it never seemed to be an issue. I actually thought she’s lovely, fun to be around and had the same sense of humour as my son.

What’s funny is that I actually thought they were incredibly well matched. Neither of them has ever struck me as particularly career driven. They both earn perfectly decent salaries, but neither of them seems interested in climbing to the top of their profession. They’d both rather have a laugh, go skiing, travel, spend time with friends and enjoy life than spend every waking hour trying to build a company. I genuinely thought that was one of the things they had in common and one of the reasons they suited each other so well.

That’s why I was surprised when the comments started afterwards. My son hasn’t changed. He’s exactly the same laid back, fun loving but not at all ambitious person he was when she married him.

I find it quite odd that you are so worried about your son's wife having any financial security or any benefit to her from marrying him, and yet you worry about her attitude to money??
She is your family now. If they have children, then one of the best things for them is a loving secure family.
I understand that you have given them the opportunity to choose a rent free flat, but I think it must feel a bit odd for her if she feels that her husband is just going to stick with a lower paid job and not try and save up for something together so they can build their own dream.
I think you should maybe examine your own attitudes to money and how you use it to control people while seeming abundantly generous, there is actually very little your son can save in London on that wage, especially if they have children.
I guess this is why the rich stay rich. It is quite unpleasant though

Exactly! I am amazed how many posters think OP should be doing even more than providing DIL with a rent and mortgage free home.

This is one of those times where I realise I just can’t understand what’s in other people’s heads.

When talking about high levels of wealth, I would have thought the consensus would be that the approach of giving DCs the best possible start to build their own lives would be optimal. Completely funding DC would make them very unlikely to develop any kind of work ethic.

And again, employing someone in the family business, isn’t it GOOD that OP takes the approach that her kids need to work and be recompensed the same as the other employees? Many of us have worked for those family businesses where a child/grandchild gets paid way more than you to do nothing.

This couple have the gift of no housing costs in a location of their choosing. It enables them to live a lifestyle totally unachievable on their salaries for the vast majority of people, or it enables them to ‘turbo charge’ their family by living on what they actually earn and renting out an 3-bed central London flat.

The situation is totally what they make of it, and yes, perhaps the DIL has a DH problem.

I just can’t understand how anyone can look at the above and think the couple are ‘disadvantaged’. Ask most 28 year olds who have to pay their own rent/mortgage!

Posters really have to stop saying they could save, they could live frugally, rent a different place, invest...blah, blah, blah. They won't! Because he won't!
He could look for another job... won't happen!

The only thing DIL could ever do to have something of her own, is to leave him and go and build her life with a better man. Hopefully she'll realise that before having his children.

And OP is not "generous" to her DIL by lending her son a place to stay and a stipend.
Even if DIL works hard and saves every penny of her money (she'd be judged as grabby for that too), she still could end up losing half to a man who has nothing at all.

You’ve done nothing wrong op.

youve helped considerably by purchasing the that allowing them to live rent /mortgage free! A huge help in London!

I would be protecting the assets exactly as you have. Do not sign over the house to them. If she wants wealth her and her husband ( your son) can go off an build their own. Don’t find her to be a sahm. Sounds like she was Hoping to marry into the family wealth - I think you have a right to be concerned

Pointing out the flat isn’t really theirs though isn’t a criticism it’s factual. I’d say they were living in his mum’s flat.
It’s obviously a big financial help but definitely comes with strings. It sounds like the dust has settled after the wedding and she’s realising she needs to be more switched on.
Nothing to stop her looking to buy a property and rent it out for income.
Difficult if he’s not on same page and happy to spend all his income on holidays and hobbies.
Obviously if they have been together for a long time she should have realised before marriage.

Well, but that's a 'shouldn't have married THAT man' problem, isn't it? Not a 'my wealthy MIL isn't funding me being a SAHM' problem. Which was clearly what she expected.

@ToastAndApricotJam the couple are not "disadvantaged" - DIL is!
But then I'd caution any woman against setting up life with a man in a property she has no stake in.
I've heard a man (also family business wealth) shout to his young adult children : that's why your mum is in a hovel of a council house, as she just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up! This was at Christmas no less and made an 18 year old cry.

OP doesn't have to provide but also nothing is generous for DIL there.

I agree with you with OP. If she isn’t happy, they can choose to buy their own property and your son is also free to look for a job somewhere else if he isn’t happy with his salary. It’s nice that you have given them a soft landing by giving them a house to live in for free. You are under no obligation to do more than you are willing to do. You don’t owe your daughter in law anything, she has no right to demand anything from you

OP i still think she's naive rather than a golddigger. You say the process was always clear but I suspect your happy-go-lucky son has not been as clear with her as you'd like, exacerbated by her not having any framework to understand how this works.

Can your DD have a chat with her?

Or perhaps you need to engineer a conversation? Over a casual dinner ask them if they've given any thought to how they're going to invest for their future and you really hope the rent free flat is helpful but it's very important blah blah?

@JapanesePotWeed so she should leave her husband and go and look for another man because her mother in law isn’t caving in to her demands? She is very entitled, herself and her husband should live on their own money and not expect anything from the OP. They should accept whatever she is kind enough to give them, she owes them nothing

He can rent out the flat and get another job. OP already stated that

Even if some do, I don't think the OP should have done more. However she's not done herself any favours onhere by saying she's given thema flat when she hasn't and then talking about bloodlines.

They live rent free. I think she has a nice life. There’s nothing stopping them both from owning and saving for their own house/asset. They’re way more privileged than the average couple. They can afford to save surely? If she was my daughter I wouldn’t be happy with this set up. She could be out on her arse with no security. I would be encouraging her to buy her own asset, as clearly your son is set for life. I would want my daughters future set up and would be advising her of this strange set up.

You absolutely haven’t bought them a flat though. They live in your flat rent free.

Could he though, given that his mum owns the flat?

@practicalorparanoid can you use your expertise to show her the best way to sort finances so they could save to get another property if she wants to be SAHM.

Is she in a low paid sector?

DS’s GF currently works in the care sector. DS career has more financial opportunities but if we were sitting on substantial wealth and GF wanted to be a SAHM and they would struggle financially for awhile and we could help them we would and not expect the money back. It would be a proper gift. I wouldn’t expect GF to change her career to get more money as money isn’t everything, and caring is worthwhile in other ways. As long as they weren’t taking the piss. I was a SAHM whilst DC were young and I couldn’t sit on money (which I can’t take with me) whilst a DC or partner of DC couldn’t have the same opportunity.

Said as if he’s the only one lacking the motivation to do so. Her complaint to her SIL wasn’t about a husband lacking ambition, it was about her MIL not giving them more access to funding.

Nothing is stopping her from advancing her own career and saving herself. Could she lose half in a divorce? Possibly, depending on the terms of the prenup, but half of what she would be able to save without having to cover housing costs would still be significantly more than half of whatever she’d be able to save if she did.

Have you read all OP's posts?

She said they could buy a buy-to-let and use/keep the income.
She said he was free to work elsewhere if he wanted. No problem.

This seems such a sad thread where there is such potential for happiness. Some of us are getting on a bit or we have first-hand experience of life throwing curve balls. Life is about managing risk, and while it's not inevitable, we can see that as it stands the DIL could be heading for a scenario eg through divorce/death of spouse, where she ends up with no home and no assets. The son has, by all accounts, not much drive, desire or need to change this situation as he will always be financially taken care of. I expect the DIL (and the son) want the marriage to succeed. I think her quibbling about having more money is because she understands her position is precarious but she can't see how to improve the situation with her unambitious but lovely husband. She sounds unhappy but unable to see how to change things. She probably can't see the wood for the trees, and likely has all sorts of people clouding the issue by telling her she's "lucky". I think if the OP really wants to support her son to have a happy marriage/life, one solution would be to give notice to sell the flat and instead give them a (ring-fenced if you want) deposit for a home they can jointly afford and lots and lots of encouragement to build jointly owned assets and a home together. The OP is in such a great position to really help her son to make the best start in married life. Doesn't every mum want that?
I guess for the DIL, eventually she will need to decide whether she wants to stay with someone who seems unable or unwilling to do this for himself. My advice to her would be not to wait too long waiting for change, and to make sure they're on an equal footing before having children. My advice to the OP - give them a smaller no-strings "gift", lots of advice and love, and step back a bit (a lot!) to focus on things that bring you happiness. Sounds like you have created a great life through hard work and deserve to relax and enjoy it.

I think you confuse gift with a helping hand. That flat if a gift was not one for them as a couple but a gift for your son. If they fall out she has no claim to said gift. To her it’s a shackle & if she was my daughter I would have spelt this out to her. She has zero claim to any wealth. Which is fair up to a point. She’s signed a prenup protecting your business. The fact he isn’t even a shareholder means that if he was to become one whilst they’re married she would not be entitled to any of it. I hope there’s a clause in there protecting her from losing out if he decides to have an affair or end the marriage. If she hasn’t that’s sounds so far off gold digger and possibly points to naivety. She knows how much money he earns. 50k isn’t exactly anything to get excited about.

She’s expressed a desire to be a SAHM, something you were yourself. You did all the house and child rearing and helped out with some work here and there. You were definitely part responsible for the success of the business agreed. You alleviated much of the burden and he was able to crack on. However, was your contribution any less than your children’s are now? Not saying you should gift them extravagant wages or titles but you do seem to across the jobs they have is also part of this definition of gift you have. before the wedding she didn’t discuss any of this but I suppose pre nup has raised some questions and I think it’s completely reasonable to think she may have signed it to prove she’s in it for love. Now the dust has settled she may have felt it was hasty and that she has put herself in a vulnerable position. You say she came across as happy and carefree. That doesn’t mean she hasn’t had a realisation and is now trying to rectify it. Your son is also not ambitious and doesn’t seem to get she’s hinting. Maybe have a word with him and say you get the sense she’s broody and wants to be a SAHM mom and what are their plans in regards to it.

she may just not understand the dynamics. He lives in your house, he works at your business, everything is protected so the bloodline are the only beneficiaries and yet you keep it all under your sole control. It’s bloodline one minute and yours the next