To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Yes but it's a bit of a golden handcuff, somewhere to live and lay roots but she has absolutely no security or legal rights to the place, I could never feel settled there personally- you keep assuming the situation is generous to her because it's free and who wouldn't want that, it might be very hard for her to say she doesn't want it, maybe she loves the flat but doesn't like not having any legal rights to her home and she'd rather be in their own semi outside of London or whatever - perhaps you could have gifted a sum to help them purchase as is more typical for parents these days but you've made sure you're totally in control of it all, I wouldn't like that. It sounds like you are gatekeeping the finances and I understand that she feels a bit resourceless in all of this and yes they can save but like I said, she's in a gilded cage right now if that's how she feels and wants to establish roots, but maybe feels who can say no to a free home. You've trapped her in your control

My in laws own our home and the family business (a farm), I'd love it to be ours and be in control of the business and home. I keep shtum though, as I know MIL and FIL would think me a gold-digger, and it's not worth it. I like to keep the peace. Maybe she's just not as good at keeping shtum.

I am embarrassed for the OP going around like the big I Am telling everyone she bought her DS a house but she hasn’t.

It’s a bit like me letting DS use my car, it didn’t actually become his until I transferred ownership to his name.

Letting them live rent free is generous, but can be revoked at any time for any reason. No wonder the other DS and SIL bought their own property.

We pay him what we would pay someone else in his role ie a wage that we would be willing to pay a non family member with his experience, skills. Yes, the company could afford to pay him more if we wanted to, in the same way Costa could afford to pay £100K to one of their baristas but wouldn’t it be demoralising to all the other baristas? I don’t want my son to earn more than he “deserves” (in this role, with current experience etc) just because he’s my son. With time of course he’ll hopefully progress and earn more - whether that’s in the family business or outside, whichever he chooses!

@practicalorparanoid ,

‘With time of course he’ll hopefully progress and earn more - whether that’s in the family business or outside, whichever he chooses!’

That’s not really true, though. If he spends 10 years, say, working for you, his options outside the business will be severely curtailed.

A CV with the only employment being a family business and a reference from there doesn’t look great. When I used to employ people, I would be very wary of that kind of CV.

As a mother with some wealth ( not anything like yours) I think you sounds very sensible. If I were your DIL I would feel insecure, but then I would roll up my sleeves and work my ass off to create some independent wealth with my husband so that if, in the future, we were to separate I wouldn't be destitute. But then I worked full time all my life, dropped to pt only when I hit 60 and have built everything I have myself.
The opportunity for your DS and DIL to save is huge, thanks to your generosity, and they could do very well for themselves IF they work hard and are sensible with money. She may well wish to be a SAHM, but financially she / they will have to make that choice when the time comes, and for her it may be SAHM or future financial security. I know which I would choose

I'm just surprised the DIL married your son. No way would I marry a guy who is so financially controlled by his mother. A recipe for disaster.

Why do you think he is financially controlled.
He could have declined the rent free London flat.
He could get a job elsewhere.
He's free to take a different path, any time he wants . Although I don't know why he would, he and his wife are in a good position to save for their own house. They have all the money they'd be paying in rent to put towards a sizeable deposit.

Yet they still take the rent from the property OP bought for them. Yes she sounds absolutely terrible for letting them do that 🙄

OP I assume you’ve though of this and had advice but if the buyer of these properties actually you, as opposed to a family trust, you’re storing up an major inheritance tax issue that could be avoided with lifetime gifts.

If a woman wants a man who is happy to strong-arm his in-laws into financing her dream of a free house and to be a SAHM, she should find that man.

Or maybe she thought she'd already found that man and is now realising that not everyone has to agree with her schemes.

Let's face it, its giving these vibes. The references to the 'faaamily' are just tedious beyond words at this point.

@Newbutoldfather so he could leave now if he wants! He knows that’s an option, I’ve never forced him to work for us but I also won’t fire him “just because”. If he told me today he’s got a job lined up, he could go tomorrow!

Maybe she thinks it's weird that every aspect of her husband's income or housing is owned or controlled by his parents?

@thebabessavedme
I think this actually hits the nail on the head - I’m also surprised she married him, given her complaints, and that’s what gives me golddigger alarm bells!

He’s always been the easy-going one. Very sociable, lots of friends, the sort who’d sign up for anything for a laugh, whether it was sport, skiing, travelling or amateur dramatics. He’s charming, popular and generally just enjoys life. Surely she knows this after dating him for years.

He’s also the least ambitious of my children, and I don’t mean that as a criticism. He values a good work-life balance far more than climbing the career ladder. My eldest would happily work 80 hour weeks if it meant building something bigger. This son wouldn’t. He’s perfectly happy earning a fair salary and having time to enjoy his life.
So if someone was looking for a husband whose ambition was to maximise his income so he could fund a very expensive lifestyle or enable them to become a SAHM, he was never that person. Surely she also knows this after dating him for years!

You really don't like her much, do you?

In that case she'd be best off trying to persuade him to look outside the family for more of his life. Another job, rather than being given some shares and becoming potentially further enmeshed in something he still wouldn't control.

I totally get what you’re doing and why OP. I’d assume lots of people with wealth do similar if there are bit discrepancies in original assets.

It’s possible that DIL saw the bug business and bucks and was hoping for an easy life but she knew what she was getting into and complaining about it now seems rather unfair.
(I’d probably not have signed the prenup and agreed to the arrangements because I’m stupid like that.)

Was it Gordon Ramsey who said his children won’t inherit and have to make their own money? I guess this thinking does a) deter any gold diggers b) is to prevent his children being spoilt and unappreciative of what working hard means and make them less likely to blow all their money.

Guilty as charged of being a SAHM 😄 We had 4 children in 8 years. I’m not quite sure how people think that was supposed to work if I’d also announced I was off to pursue a 9-5 while my husband was trying to build a business from scratch. Presumably he was meant to leave client meetings to do nursery pickups and sports day?

Instead, I ran the home, raised our 4 children and did plenty of the business admin from home around them, after bedtime, during naps and if I could get my mum to look after them for a couple of hours. If that’s not supporting your husband in building a business, I’m not quite sure what is. And no, it’s not quite the same as demanding your MIL funds you being a SAHM whilst your husband works a very laid back 9-5 and earns a salary proportional to the work he does.

Have you actually taken on board any of the posts telling you how unreasonable you are being?

@practicalorparanoidi think this is one of the best threads I’ve ever come across on MN! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong in what you’ve said- you’ve been far more generous than I could ever be and your children are lucky to have you and by extension; their partners. I’d be ignoring your DILs comments or sitting her and your son down again and having a word re: their options.

Exactly. She's married the wrong man, if she wanted to be a SAHM. She needs either a high earning husband or a driven, very career focused man who will strive to move up the ladder and increase his earnings.

She's got what she married. A man who enjoys life. Not a man determined to earn the maximum that he can. She can't then expect his mum to make up for that.

Why should she? She doesn't think that she is being unreasonable at all. OP's DIL knew what she was getting into when she married OP's youngest son so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her when OP isn't willing to gift the three-bedroom luxury flat to her son and DIL.

Very few posters who create a thread on AIBU think that they are being unreasonable and even fewer change their minds after reading the responses from posters telling the OP that she is definitely being unreasonable.

And maybe your in-laws haven't been on a forum saying they've given you your house while talking about bloodlines.

when you enter into a marriage you put your money together to buy a house. Buying a house on your own is currently extremely difficult. If her husband doesn’t see the need to buy a house because he already has one then it’s difficult for her to get on the housing ladder. And even with his 50k there borrowing potential wouldn’t get much in London. 50k is not much really and you’ve tied them to central London by buying their flat there.
i would be looking for more financial security if I was her. For her children as well. Where would she live with them if things turned to shit? She’d have no house and no way to provide a house for them in central London. It’s a very precarious position.
Not gold digger at all.