To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

Don't we all? Mine involve having to work to pay my mortgage.

To be fair, she doesn't seem to be particularly moaning about it or grasping for more to me. She's commented that the flat isn't theirs (which it isn't) and queries why her husband doesn't have shares in the family business (also a fair thing to query - many of us have asked the same question). And then she has mentioned whilst drunk that they could live a more relaxed lifestyle when they have children if her husband had a bit more of the family money - a family who are wealthy enough to buy four expensive properties outright. (Perhaps not a wise thing to say to her SIL, who was obviously going to report back). She's not exactly going around (from what we know) constantly moaning and griping and complaining that her life is terrible.

Something else that would concern me if I was DIL is that it doesn't sound like DS is very ambitious, which is fine for him because he has a job for life in the family business. He never has to worry about money. DIL on the other hand does, because if the marriage breaks up, she will walk away with nothing.
DS may or may not be supportive and encouraging of DIL if she wants to work hard at her career, because he doesn't need the money after all.

Several years ago, I received what the other person thought was a very generous proposal - it was very similar to this set-up in that his parents were very wealthy, and apparently I would never have to work again if I didn't want to as they would provide. I had the same concerns as DIL and could see myself ending up trapped. I ended the relationship when I realised this as clearly it wasn't going to work.

It seems to that Lady Catherine de Bourgh is alive and well! 🤗

If I were your DIL, I’d have nothing to do with you. The arrogance of you, given you are wealthy not gifting your DS and SIL money to buy a home in their name. It could have been a starter home, not a hugely expensive property. Obviously it’s good financial sense to protect the business but you’re as good as saying, hey DIL, you can live rent free in my property but close the door after you, if you leave my DS or he leaves you. That you wouldn’t want your DS to own his own home. Your DS is just as bad as you to have agreed to this set-up and someone should have advised your DIL before marriage to run a mile. All your nonsensical talk about how they could build up their own wealth etc. Working for a low salary - how is he meant to build up his wealth ?? You are controlling and your DS probably enmeshed.

How does the set-up work whereby the property your DD lived in but is owned by you and she now receives the rent on it work tax-wise?

I wonder if your post is even real.

I wish I could be a position to do something equivalent for my kids when the time comes. I really admire entrepreneurs.

She’s got it good. I don’t know why she’s questioning stuff.

But not whilst he works at that firm. He is the breadwinner earning 50k. Whats the deposit going to be to live in that area or any part of London that’s decent and family friendly. How many years to save for. What if he cheats or falls out with her in the next 5 years. If she’s also 28 that makes her 33 asset poor and homeless as he won’t be the one moving out, however, that’s not the point. She asked if we thought she was a golddigger and I said how I thought it to be. No she isn’t a gold digger. They have a family business but if recollection of the arrangements are right in my head he doesn’t own a stake in anyway. He’s just an employee. So this pre nup is future proofing the business not protecting it now. It could remain in her name for the next 10, 15 or even 20 years. So I do wonder if that prenup had other protections given to him that disadvantages her. The girl has signed something I’m sure many people have raised an eyebrow at. This woman has the funds to buy a property for all 4 of her children to live in. She could have gifted them a deposit instead that would have cost less than buying. She’s over cautious and obviously doesn’t trust easily and I get why, but I do think her fears are unfounded and based off silly comments. Wanting to be a stay at home mom doesn’t equate to a life of luxury. Which she won’t get on his wage anyway. I can imagine a payrise wouldn’t equate to anything close enough

That is how I see it too.

The op has set up unequality in the relationship.

And the son will not have the same needs as the dil.

Not by any stretch.

I can understand protecting family business but you seem to have taken it to extremes @practicalorparanoid. Can’t see how welcome she feels in the family, and if I was her I would feel very vulnerable

It's a gilded cage.

Your son has no need to strive and build with his wife because whatever happens he and his children will have the family money to fall back on.

I feel sorry for your DIL.

@Longtimelurker1980
So it's not a gift at all, it's an agreement that they can stay in your flat. I'm not surprised she's asking questions if it were presented as a gift when it's anything but.

Surely you aren’t suggesting the DIL was that stupid that she didn’t understand the situation when the flat was bought. She obviously would have known that the flat was in the OPs name.

Also can anyone who thinks the OP is controlling explain why they think it. The DS and DIL are being held hostage. What exactly do they mean when they say there were strings attached to the flat. They can either live in the flat (which they chose) for free or they could leave?

The only thing I might do differently if I was the OP would be to try and make it that improvement to the kids houses or flats didn’t have to come through her. I’m not sure hope that could be achieved though.

If she does not like living in a flat she does not own, she can always buy one and they can live in it.
P.S. You are right to have concerns.

Bravo x 10

If my daughter was married to your son I would be advising extreme caution. You haven't bought them a flat, you have bought a flat that they live in rent free. Your son works for a family business in which he has no stake and takes home a mediumish salary. It doesn't sound like he will inherit when you die but I must have misunderstood. I wouldn't be advising my daughter to be a stay at home mum, neither would I be advising her to get more help. I would be advising her to work hard and make the most money she could because currently they have no assets.

Your DIL sounds exactly like my SIL (but you’re not my mum (!), although you sound eerily like my dad). Yes, I think your DIL hasn’t understood that she hasn’t landed on her feet financially by marrying your son. My SIL didn’t initially (and possibly hasn’t fully even now, years down the line, but at this point that will only be because she has chosen not to) that just because her DH/my brother comes from a wealthy family she doesn’t have an automatic entitlement to that family’s wealth equal to the children of the couple who built the wealth. She’ll have more than in ordinary circumstances, but certainly not equal.

My SIL also used to complain to my mum that she wasn’t treated equally to me by them. She was treated absolutely equally to my DH but she didn’t want to see that.

My parents have done exactly what you’ve done (except trusts rather than prenups as different jurisdictions are involved) for exactly the same reasons. Totally fine and unproblematic with all children and children-in-law except this one DIL. Shame.

At the moment she has a castle built on sand. She is a wise young lady to be questioning her life choices.

This will come back to bite you in a way you least expect and all whilst perched on your bag of gold.

She could have married someone else, then.

You know, entitlement exists in all forms, and not just among people on benefits?

He can get a job for 50k in London especially at 28 and experience of helping to run a business. Possibly could even earn a little more. He hasn’t chosen to, he is a nepo baby with no ambition imo. His mom sounds quite frugal & she is controlling. She’s offered them a gift that’s hard to turn down for her but for him nigh on impossible because it’s his regardless anyway. Rent free in a lovely part of London. Probably sounded brilliant especially at a time of planning a wedding and being all caught up with the romance of it all. Now the dust has settled I imagine the DIL may be thinking a little clearer.

Oh how awful to live rent free in central London, so hard, so unwelcome. Imagine only earning 50k in your 20s, such a low wage, especially when you have all that rent to pay. This couple will have more disposable income than 95% of the population and they can choose to try and live the life they can’t afford or they can use this amazing opportunity to live a life of their dreams. Imagine knowing you have a secure roof over your head for life with no rent or mortgage. And no one is stopping them saving up and getting their own place or the son going and getting this 6 figure salary job everyone has decided he is entitled to. So the dil can be the sahm she feels entitled to be.

@practicalorparanoid whilst you sit there counting your huge wealth will you ever contemplate any of your in-laws being part of the family. What about if one of them worked in your business, or say one of your DC became ill so couldn’t work, would you support the other spouse or expect them to carry on as if there was no wealth in the family?

As an aside to the point of the thread, wage suppression and inflation means that a salary of 50k today is not far off a salary of 36k in 2017, which I what I was earning at 28.

It was very comfortable in Birmingham (I bought my first house then), but not so in London.

That sounds like what you hope will happen, not what will happen.

If she leaves him because she couldn’t get her hands on what she thought she’d be able to, OP and her son will undoubtedly be considering themselves very fortunate that she didn’t leave with a share of the family wealth.

If my spouse started complaining that my incredibly generous parents hadn’t enabled him to live precisely as he wanted to, and that he was somehow hard done by because he’d have to build something for himself, then I’d be beating him to the exit tbh.