To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

She had independent legal advice as required in all pre-nups which have any chance of being enforceable.
Do you think she was forced to sign it then dragged down the isle?

You live in London. What would they be buying there when he’s only on 50k

but it also sounds like he's in a very junior role and, if it's a retail focused business, then it's not a crazy-low salary at all. It WOULD be if there aren't opportunities for growth and improvement, especially in the family business. But it seems fairly okay for his age and stage, and particularly in certain sectors.

I work in Comms in financial services. I regularly get asked by people in other setors who I meet out and about in the world if I could help them with their small-to-medium businesses. But almost always I have to say no. Partly because I dont' think I have the right skills for a B2C business, but also because they can't affford me. I have been doign this for 25 years and my day rate is £800-£1000 but a person with my years of experience in a consumer company would be LUCKY if they got £500 a day as a freelancer. It's the same when it cmoes to salary. I see head of comms roles advertised in retail companies at £85-£100k. My last head of comms role had a salary much much higher than that.

My point is that there's "london" and "london" and marketing and comms is one of those careers where this is even more starkly obvious. A mid level marketin gmanager in a publising house for example, would absolutely be paid abot this, or even a bit less.

I’m not sure she’s a gold digger as such but I think she’s a bit unrealistic/has opinions about money that isn’t hers. A cleaner once a week seems reasonable assuming neither of them is disabled/ill so I don’t think you need to fund a cleaner coming more than that!

If you son is on 50k and she’s on less but still earning and have no rent or housing costs then they can save up. SAHM before she’s even pregnant isn’t worth a big discussion IMO as their situation may have changed by then.

No, of course not.

Don't most of us reflect on past decisions and wonder of we do that again?

I personally think it is a very important part of adulthood - looking at the past, seeing how it played out and puzzling about the future.

It is how we try to mitigate the unknown.

Not quite my point but the OP did say she would be ok with that so fair enough.

I wondered how she would feel if the son & DIL took the rental money, relocated and cut her out of their lives. Did the father protect the sons inheritance from the mother?

Also, I'm guesing here that two things could be happening (alone or together).

1. she's looking at your older children who HAVE had time to build up wealth and is wondering why her and your ds dont have th e same lifestyle. Not realising necessarily how that has happened.
2. She expected that as there IS family money, there would be more direct help and that as a result, they could use their salaries just for day to day living, without thinking about having to accumulate wealth as a couple.

Doesnt make her a gold digger, but possibly a bit naive. And if she doesn't come from a family with money, which it sounds like she doesn't, she probably has no idea that it's not unusual in wealthy families for the children to be expected to make their own way, with the leg up being in the form of property, education and opportunity, not cold hard cash.

She's got a job too, and he inherited £80,000 when his dad died.

How long do you think two people with no rent or mortgage outgoings and minimal transport plus at least £80,000 in the bank would need to save to buy a flat? Bearing in mind they'll retain the free flat OP bought them and keep rental income if they rent that out, so let's say annual income once they move of £50,000 + £50,000 (modest for a 3 bed but I'm allowing rental insurance etc) + £whatever she earns

This is all so weird to me. I have generational wealth on both sides while my husband came from nothing, and nobody ever treated him like a potential thief waiting to raid the bloodline. You say you “bought them a flat,” but kept it in your name, control your son’s salary and access to the business, and have structured everything so his wife can never build any real security with him. Then you act suspicious because she has noticed that none of their life is actually theirs. She may not be a gold digger, you may just be controlling and oddly determined to keep your adult son financially tethered to you.

Would the son’s home have room for a family? Signs already that DIL ain’t happy putting the property aside.

Sorry I don't understand your post.

Noone can see into the future when they get married. She however would have had a very good understanding of what she would get for free while married (loads) and what she's keep if she divorced. Much better than most people have in fact because of the independent legal advice she received.

So yes I think she made an informed decision when she got married. Even if now she wishes she had even more free money (don't we all)

Its low end for an entry level marketing manager. I work in marketing (not in London) and wouldn't consider that a particularly good salary - I just googled, and the average for entry level in London is £45k - 70k. He could definitely be on considerably more elsewhere, assuming he has a few years marketing experience under his bellt, so I would argue the business is not paying him market rate...

This set up has, from the beginning, created an unequal marriage.

Your son will not have the same need to work toward something that your dil has.

I would bet that your son has no particular get ap and go, is happy enough with the way things are, no particular need to work hard to save for this and that. The dil will have that but is swimming alone against him and his family wealth.

There are other ways to handle this.

Plenty. She could have chosen not to marry him if it meant having to sign a prenup, for one. She would have been required to have her own solicitor, and both solicitors would have made sure that each party had their respective interests protected.

Solicitors that deal in prenups do not want the bad publicity of their work failing to hold up in court because they didn’t do their job properly.

To be fair, we don't know when he inherited the £80,000, or whether he has already spent some/most/all of it.

I 💯 agree with you @practicalorparanoid

What’s your honest gut feeling about her? Do you think she loves your DS?

I would keep things exactly how they are.

She’s a fool to not realise she’s got it very cushy as it is already.

I’m not surprised that she is unhappy. She’s in a very vulnerable position.

You didn’t really buy them a property. It’s in your name and you let them live in it.

If something happens to him where does that leave her? She has no marital assets. Everything is controlled by you.

No I don’t think she is a good digger but I do think if she signed a prenup she’s possibly realised she’s made a huge mistake. She’s married a man who works for his family business. 50k is not a huge sum of money. Yes he doesn’t have a mortgage but they still aren’t living the high life. They may just be comfortable for now.

you haven’t gifted them a house. You allow them to live rent free in a place you own. She will have no legal rights to it as it’s in your name. So if in 10,15,20 years they fallout and especially if that fallout was not her fault she has nothing. Zero. No equity no way of leaving unless she’s successful in her own right. You could have gifted them the money to put towards a property, something she’ll have a stake in as I assume she works and contributes to the running of the home, but I think you’re quite shrewd and knew what you were doing. You are protecting what’s yours and I get it. But in doing so you fail to see how she may have been entrapped. She may have realised this because if my mate told me this has happened I’d be horrified. If you’re so worried about this then I suggest you put the house in his name and suggest they sell up and buy something together. He can decide if he wants to put all the house sale to something else or not. You have every right to protect the business but have no right to dictate his personal finances

Precisely, she’s done nothing except verbalise her discomfort with the fact that someone else owns the house she lives in. I still don’t understand why the home wasn’t just given to the son but included in the pre-nup. It would have been a much more comfortable solution.

I’m planning to help DD buy a home (can probably do it outright if its on the lower end), we are in less of a position to lose money than OP but I also have to think of how my DD would feel if I said I was helping and actually retained control. I wouldn’t actually be giving her anything, she’s be living in my house, if I fell out with her I could chuck her out, or I could decide I need to sell it for some reason, I don’t want her to feel that psychological instability. He has no shares in the business which I think is perfectly reasonable, he’s 28 and done nothing of note. But as a mum I want to be able to say to mine, there you go, do what you will with it it’s yours, you look after it.

Cushy? She’d have been better off marrying a plumber in Birmingham and buying a 2 bed with him. At least she’d see some personal gain if the relationship went south

You’re missing the point. You live in London he probably can’t afford to do that and remain close to your company. For someone who seems money savvy but can’t comprehend whilst his wage ain’t bad it’s not really enough for her to give up work either and yet she still married him whilst signing a deal that leaves her vulnerable. Golddigger? If she is one then she’s pretty shit at it.

They live a life with strings

So it’s not a gift at all, it’s an agreement that they can stay in your flat. I’m not surprised she’s asking questions if it were presented as a gift when it’s anything but. She is looking at their long term security.

you seem to want to tie them into something, though I’m not sure what at the moment. It’s a gift but it’s yours. We could pay him more but we don’t. sounds like you just want to control him and, by extension, her?

She’s living rent free in prime central London. OP has saved them the hundreds and thousands of pounds they would have had to pay to live in that location. She, like OP’s son in law, has every opportunity to build the assets she wants.

You are being completely reasonable and I think you know. You have been very generous and she is massively benefitting from your generosity.
Most people would be more than delighted with a free 3 bed pad in London. I don’t understand why anyone thinks she is in a vulnerable position. She and her husband have the whole of their salaries to do what they please with. I don’t think we need to get the violins out.
Say she earns £40k that would be £90k between them so that’s got to be over £5k a month take home each month after bills/pension etc? (Very rough guess). If they are chosing not to buy a property with that then that’s up to them. It’s got nothing to do with the OP.
Do people genuinely think the OP should give her DIL several hundred thousand pounds because that’s what they are suggesting. I wouldn’t.