To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

OP has already explained that this is the option her DD took and she seems pretty chill about it.

DIL has no rent or mortgage to pay so she should be able to stash away a significant amount of savings, or, as you say, rent the flat out and buy somewhere cheaper. Nothing stopping her.

Of course it’s a wedding present. They’re living rent free in a central London flat. She’s saving them hundreds of thousands, and given them plenty of opportunity to build assets together.

If he worked for any other company, would they automatically give him shares at 28?
he doesn’t have shares for the same reason as most employees don’t own shares of the company they work for.

@practicalorparanoid ,

What is your view on her becoming a SAHM to your future grandchildren? Do you have a view one way or the other?

The reality is that, given the current set up, she would be very foolish to stay at home and not build her own career. It would make her very vulnerable given the prenup and lack of assets.

It all feels a bit cold and emotionless, like you're talking about an employee rather than family. I agree with others that she's in a very vulnerable situation, with no assets. I would imagine London prices probably mean it will not be easy for them to save quickly or buy anywhere at all with his salary. It sounds like a difficult situation and he'd be better off extricating himself from the business and your flat, and starting an independent life with her. You seem very involved with his finances and his life. I feel a bit sorry for them both. I do understand the logic behind your decisions but it doesn't feel like you have much empathy or understanding of what a complicated and uncomfortable position they've been put in. She doesn't sound like a gold digger. She sounds insecure about the way she's living, as well she should be.

Why? Plenty of women have children with their husbands on 50k a year salaries?

She obviously means keeping it within the biological family (more specifically, her direct line), and no, her DIL is not biological family.

Even if they had been married 20 years and provided grandchildren she might still not see her as family!

But why wouldn't you sign the flat over to them? What is stopping you doing that?
It seems like you can afford to.

Wonder how she would view an adopted grandchild

i completely disagree; they have been given an incredible chance to save, upskill, retrain, invest etc, they are miles ahead of any newly wed middle earning professionals I know. They can save for a deposit within a year and move out into a mortgaged two bed together if they want, or buy one and rent it out. They wouldn’t have accepted to live in this flat unless it was a brilliant opportunity for them!

Brilliantly put!

However she wants to 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they break up then she’ll need to finance the son buying his wife out, why would she gift hundreds of thousands of pounds to her sons ex if she doesn’t have to?

Having children with someone who provides a life with no housing costs is a much better plan than many alternatives

But this is your SON!
Holy Lord

So she can save up all of the salary she’s normally spend on housing so she has a brilliant escape fund if ever needed

Nope, I’d hate that too. What if she wants to move somewhere else for her own career?

I’ve seen too many farming families fall apart with a similar set up whereby the son earns a fraction of what he’s worth because the parents dangle the long term ownership of the farm under his nose to keep him exactly where they want him.

You want to keep control of your son and no DIL will accept that so this relationship is unlikely to last, and neither will the next one!

OP Said they can move our and this property rent out and take all the income from rent.

I think that there is a happy medium between gifting millions to newlyweds and keeping all real wealth away from them permanently.

I mean, being married shouldn’t be an instant jackpot, especially if you divorce 5-10 years later.

OTOH, gradually allowing them to accumulate wealth by paying a bigger salary, gifting a small amount of shares every year makes sense, especially if OP buys into the SAHM idea.

Surely, if it is a family business that you would ideally like to keep in the family, just paying an average (at best) salary isn’t going to motivate the adult children to stay on and get involved. Gradually giving away wealth is also good estate planning.

Don’t know what she’s moaning about. It all sounds a life of luxury to me. I’d be grateful rather than picking holes and grasping about for more x

So, given that prenups aren't legally enforceable, how would you feel if your son makes a will leaving his money (from the bloodline) to his wife? If the prenup was enforceable, it would be a very complicated will which tried to divide his money between your families money and money made after you decided she had started to contribute.

Prenups are given significant weight.

In addition to that, trusts are routinely utilized to manage the above. The business and the wealth generated from that isn’t necessarily something he would be able to leave to his wife

What if they decide to adopt? Presumably that child would be left out of any inheritance from his adoptive father, as it would be outside the 'bloodline'.

Maybe, maybe not. That would be up to OP and her husband.